"The Call" by Regina Spektor

Dear Jacob,

I guess I just have some things to get out that I can't tell you and can't tell anyone else directly. But they need to be said. For some reason, ever since we've started talking like old times, I've had this ulcer-like feeling in my stomach. My appetite is starting to fade. My nerves are constantly on edge and I constantly feel like my heart is about to pop out into my throat. Ever since that night you called me "dear", I've been slowly melting. When you agreed that the day I broke up with you should be fucked, it didn't exactly help. When you said you needed to get out of your house, it just put ideas into my head - ideas which at this time, just don't seem possible to actuate. You are quite possibly subconsciously leading me on an adventure I didn't choose to embark upon - one that chose me instead.

I know we have the rest of our lives ahead of us, Jacob. And I know so much has happened - a lot of which I've emoted in this blog. But the truth is, we can't keep making arguments against the blaring evidence I'm about to describe without knowing underneath that we are lying. We can say all we want to avoid what life deemed for us as inevitable. I mean seriously? We only have 6 months. How could rekindling an "ended" relationship be worth it in that time. Why feel uncomfortable in regards to your parents and your upbringing and culture if it's not worthwhile? Why should I put myself through more pain again when I could just cut off and pretend it doesn't exist? Well. The answer, unfortunately for both of our cases, is quite simple. The feelings we both have just won't accept these claims. Both you and I are good at hiding feelings from ourselves and pretending they don't exist. But after every little inkling of denial has been counted up to this point, it's getting to the point where it's becoming unbearable. My heart can hardly contain it and it's not because I'm crazy. It's because ever since July I have felt the bulk of this situation and I can't deny that it's the wrongest thing I have ever witnessed - two people who are without a doubt meant to be together acting like complete idiots and searching for ways all around to world to deny such a fact. It's abominable! That's why I've been waiting all day to ask you to get your ass over here and I will wait as long as I need to because there is no way in hell that I can make peace with myself in this sorry state.

Though you've never been able to say it to my face, on AIM you always say, "Shit happened. It's time to move on." Perhaps in most cases, this is a rule to live by. But if that is so, this is an exception. For too long have we been looping back for a reason we've been too afraid to coin. When you're involved, there's "no need to say goodbye."

Lyrics to: "The Call":

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it, too
Doesn't means that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

Link to YouTube Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgUL3ut4gyQ

"If Everyone Cared" by Nickelback

I say I hate her. I say I want to kill her. All these things I say and most likely mean at the time. However, no temporary situation can squelch the love in my heart for all with whom I relate. If I get to know someone, regardless of the means through which I do it, I always end up seeing inside them. I always end up relating to their emotions and feeling them through my own lens. After I have done this, I cannot help but love the admirable side of them and downplay the other dimensions.

Her in the most recent case is a girl named Elsie. We met because she was into Jacob and I was feeling, as usual, quite territorial. It's been a rocky road since our meeting. She and I would pretend above all else to love each other but the unspoken rivalry between us and her questionable treatment of my friends often made this act difficult to pull off. However, the truth is, I like her. As I've seen in many cases, it is very hard to dislike a fellow musician, even if she is attempting to steal the partial love of your life. Musicians are all formed from a similar passion that links us inevitably together.

The more complex forgiveness that I have repeatedly undergone is more deeply rooted in my psyche. My friends both marvel and criticize my ability to completely atone those who have done me wrong. Those who heard me cry and curse over Edward now wonder why I bashfully tear at the thought of his and my future reunion. Perhaps this aren't so hard to fathom. Edward we all know is hardly a bad person and time can heal the scars of awkward misunderstandings caused by immaturity.

What people tend less to understand is my perpetual willingness to see Jacob for more than his flaws, looking past his harsh and insecure denial to focus merely on the truth. How and why do I do this? I'm not quite sure. At first I thought it was my desire to control him. Then I thought it was merely the fact that he is unforgettably attractive to me. But neither seems to be the cause. I honestly feel that my continual forgiveness of Jacob comes from the fact that I understand him. I can look beyond his treatment of me to see him as an insecure and growing person who I refuse to believe cannot change. I do not know where I gained the heart and maturity to do this. All I know is that forgiveness gives me a flexible power that instead of demeaning me as others might say, gives me confidence. It allows me to view everyone as a work in progress instead of drawing a somewhat arbitrary and final line between assholes and angels. It allows me to fully believe in the potential existence of a world where "everyone cared."

Lyrics to "If Everyone Cared":
From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive

[Chorus:]
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singing

Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
(I'm alive)

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOwJSpt2m_w

[Chorus x2]

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...

[Chorus]

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died

"Disturbia" by Rihanna

Yes. "My mind's in disturbia." They all say that once you get into college, you can stop working. It doesn't matter anymore. The future is set. Schoolwork becomes a choice as opposed to an obligation. However, these people are clearly generalizing. They have forgotten the horrific right that colleges have to rescind a student whose grades sufficiently lack. Now - my college couldn't have possibly accepted me based on my grades. They got passed my lacking grades in the math and science areas to see the qualities I had to offer. However, if my grades in senior year are lacking below an 80 that is, they have every right to doubt my performance in college. Perhaps their doubts would be different from the truth but I still have every reason to fear for my grades. My math and science ones aren't looking to hot. Granted I will study hard for the final exams but a future opportunity cannot still the aching pain and worry that rushes through my anxious body. Keeping my math and science grades at a minimal 80 will be a struggle that will not allow me to breathe securely until February, though as we all know, I will not fully breathe securely until I am at college - and maybe not even then.

Perhaps my worry is healthy and will motivate me to work harder and beast the upcoming finals. However, with deeper thought, I traced this "disease of the mind" back to something that is totally unrelated to school:

I just cannot believe that I will be attending my top choice college - the one that has always been the bud of my dreams subconsciously before consciously - the one that I can comfortably call my home - the one where Edward is. I just cannot wrap my head around this supposed truth. If it is indeed as true as others tell me and as I have seen multiple times with my own eyes, than it can only be a fairytale. Sadie tells me to believe it and not think of it as a fairytale. It would be wise to take her advice but I can't help being overwhelmed by the momentousness of it all.

I, being an inherent drama queen who takes every opportunity in which she cares to shadow it with worry, cannot rid my mind of disturbia. Perhaps I shall in the coming days when my math scores improve. I can only sit tight, hope, and beast the finals. It seems mundane and useless but with my future still on the line regardless of common ED acceptance myths, it can only be described as practical and thusly necessary.

Lyrics to "Disturbia":

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now

No more gas in the rig
Can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said
Can't even speak about it
All my life on my head
Don't want to think about it
Feels like I'm going insane
Yeah

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort

Throw on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

Faded pictures on the wall
It's like they talkin' to me
Disconnectin' your call
Your phone don't even ring
I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
I feel like a monster

Throw on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

Release me from this curse I'm in
Trying to maintain
But I'm struggling
You can't go, go, go
I think I'm going to oh, oh, oh

Throw on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1mU6h4Xdxc

"Can't Go Back Now" by The Weepies

This is a time full of angst, insecurity, and heartache as I and many of my close friends wait tirelessly for the one letter, email, or online post that determines our future paths. The work piled on from school and music school has prevented me for days from writing this blog. Now, as we have reached the "deep breath before the plunge," as Gandalf would say, I feel I must somehow depict my view of the current situation.

There is one school - the one that Jacob, Miranda and Drake all applied to - that reeled in 45 EA applicants from my high school. They are living in the midst of a hazy double standard. They all expect to be one of the select few that this college chooses to be amongst their student body, at the same time knowing that their chances are very bleak as a result of such tantalizing competition. Miranda loses sleep, freaks out, becomes impatient. Drake hopes while simultaneously putting himself down low in order to cushion what he believes is a likely fall. Jacob, as one might expect, detaches himself completely - saying that worrying is pointless. Meanwhile, I know he is worried out of his mind. But that's besides the point. If Jacob were truly in sync with his claims, he would be sporting the right attitude - the one we should all be striving for - the one I feel that to some extent I have achieved.

I applied to my top choice college because I could truly not imagine myself at any other place. Though not having been there for longer than a few weeks, I could call the place my home. Its undeniable place in my future, as my instinct would confirm, washed over me to the point that I had no doubt that I must apply Early Decision. Believe it or not, this had nothing to do with the fact that Edward attends the school. Of course, back in February, even before Edward was accepted, I knew that I would inevitably end up at that school. However, that vision existed on a different plane. The plane I'm on now is more in sync with the reality in which we all live. And this plane is not conducive to such a surreal type of confidence. It is open to the possibility of rejection and deferral in the light of those who are applying alongside me and have different but equally competent qualifications.

I will be informed of this college's place in my future in the coming days. Perhaps I am nervous that someone else with higher grades or more national recognition for their talents will deprive me of my spot. However, my overwhelming confidence that this school will see the way in which I shine for them and in general shields me from this worry. I am not losing sleep. I am not even phased out. I expect to become a part of this artsy, avant-garde student body. I have done everything I can to maximize the odds of my acceptance. As I say to all who struggle in the face of the unknown, we "Can't Go Back Now."

Lyrics to "Can't Go Back Now":

Yesterday when you were young
Everything you needed done was done for you
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone, what can you do?

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

You know there will be days
When you're so tired
That you can't take another step
The night will have no stars
And you'll think you've gone as far
As you will ever get

You and me wak on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

And yeah, yeah, you go where you want to go
Yeah, yeah, be what you want to be
If you ever turn around, you'll see me

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
Yeah, you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JscAwVu2QI

"Invisible" by Taylor Swift

I guess everyone feels Invisible at times. It's a large world out there and everyone, at least in a wide crowd, tends to blend in. In many cases, I have avoided such problem. My personality is loud and bouncy. I look rather unique. The hobbies I engage in are slightly atypical. However, as I've gotten older and joined the mix of teenage girls searching for love and companionship, I've started to realize how invisible I really am. I am no more than a victim of my circumstances. I can only choose from the selection of people that life has conveniently placed before me. I cannot breach these boundaries. I am breathtaking to some and just a pretty face to others. What's especially hard to fathom is how I could be breathtaking to someone for a period of time and then become just a pretty face without any explanation.

It's funny wondering how exactly I will make a mark on this world when there are millions of people simultaneously wondering the same thing. We are all invisible to some extent. To some men, colleges, and business owners, we will all be that girl walking down the hallway, hopelessly wishes they'd turn our way. But to the right men, colleges and business owners, we will not be. It takes work to stand out. Hard core work. That is why this blog is short because my top choice college will be coming out with its decision soon. If my first quarter grades aren't solid, there'll be a problem. So I must go study. Thanks to Taylor for cheering me up.

Lyrics to "Invisible":

She can’t see the way your eyes light up when you smile
She’ll never notice how you stop and stare whenever she walks by
And you can’t see me wantin you the way you want her
But you are everything to me

[Chorus:]
And I just wanna show you
She don’t even know you
She's never gonna love you like I want to
You just see right through me but if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable instead of just invisible

There’s a fire inside of you that can’t help but shine through
She’s never gonna see the light
No matter what you do
And all I think about is how to make you think of me
And everything that we could be

[Chorus]

Like shadows in a faded light
Oh we’re Invisible
I just wanna look in your eyes and make you realize

I just wanna show you she don’t even know you
Baby let me love you let me want you
You just see right through me
But if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable instead of just invisible

She can’t see the way your eyes light up when you smile

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsGIovS0N3E