"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

When I first heard this song, I didn't find it particularly captivating. I knew I should and that in the future I would. Anya loved it. She told me she listened to it nonstop. I found myself wondering why it hadn't made me stop in my tracks the first time. However, recently, when perusing YouTube and Dilandau.com, I had a sudden impulse to download it. It's been in my head ever since.

They say that true love only happens once. But to me, it's happened twice - at least in the way that it happens to anyone. What is love anyway? A disproportional care for someone such that you're willing to give up your own short-term happiness in hopes to achieve a long-term one with him? A intense variation of attraction that gives you shivers by the mere memory of a smile? Perhaps these things are involved, but what love really is is gravity. It's that inevitable pull that ties you to the person in question, bringing you back to them even when your feet, mind and even spirit have carried you far away. I've had this feeling twice, obviously - about Edward first, then Jacob. My conscience, in relation to my own well-being was telling me to move on. My instinct professed the opposite. And denying it only led to more pain.

I see Jacob in the hallway. Even with those ridiculous shorts that he wears in the middle of November, he is beautiful. His hair with its perfect curls shapes the lovely contours of his head. His eyes may be brown, but with the way they shine, they might as well be green. His skin, milky and smooth emits a light that hits me from yards away. The sound of his presence in the room is too loud to ignore, no matter how many mental ear plugs I expend in vain.

Feeling this way, it is impossible for me to pretend otherwise. I have tried. I have tried more times perhaps than I have with Edward and I have failed every time. So I'm going to try something new. I am going to surrender to his gravity in the time we have left. I am going to give him my full soul. Like I did with my application to my top choice college, I will hold nothing back. This is meant to happen and I know it. Therefore I must chill and let the pain pass as it will. Love is gravity. And I am in love.

Lyrics to "Gravity":

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3mKQT08_rk

"You're Not Sorry" by Taylor Swift

He chatted me last night. He used commenting on my AIM status as an excuse. But Jacob doesn't care for exhibitionist AIM statuses in any shape or form. He wanted to talk to me and he succeeded. I guess I was taken aback at first but once I got used to his flashing green icon lighting up my screen, I asked him to send me music. He kept the links coming, pasting them mechanically into the chat window. Some of them caught my ears, such as Kashmir by Led Zeppelin and Optimistic by Radiohead, that he particularly liked. We mentioned nothing about the relationship or about his motives in chatting me. I already knew, of course. He wants the pieces out of me but will not admit it. He didn't even know it when he rejected my proposal but he cannot bear the fact that I'm actually okay with his absence from my life. It reminds me of when he described the feelings he felt for me in the beginning but could not piece them together to just simply define it as "liking." He has not ever analyzed the emotions he feels so he cannot express them or apply them to a conventional setting. And I'm no longer there to do that for him.

The sad thing is: I still have feelings for Jacob. I still sometimes fantasize about the future we could have had if he'd opened up to his own desires. The impulses are sometimes so strong that it "makes me wonder" as our favorite song "Stairway to Heaven" by Led would say, if the future won't re-merge our paths. But then I realize, as good old Taylor would say, that Jacob is not sorry for what he has done. He may want me. He may want the awkwardness to go away. He might not know, as I do, what he wants. But he doesn't want to apologize and until he does, there is no future for me and him. You see, there have been situations in my life - with Edward mainly, when both of us were to blame. Our apologies or lack thereof cancel each other out. However, with Jacob, if he strives to be my friend again without apologizing for his awful actions, giving in is giving myself another blow to the head. As I knew but wouldn't accept before I turned to him again, is that the best way to teach him a lesson is to stop trying to teach him lessons - to walk away and let him wallow in his own regret. That's not to say I won't accept him if he comes with a sincere apology.

As for now, Jacob is just grasping for control. He cannot accept the fact that he has lost and landed himself in an awkward situation that puts a dent in his whole "move through life without a care" philosophy. Well it seems like my departure may give him motivation to care. Either that, or he's not worth my care at all. Ah the paradoxes of life. I'm going to have to go with Taylor on this one.

Lyrics to "You're Not Sorry":

All this time I was wasting,
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

Looking so innocent,
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no, oh

You're not sorry no no oh

You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

You're not sorry, no no oh

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s3GUZiY39Y

"Better Days" by The Goo Goo Dolls

It's been a while since I've written. The term "daily blog" seems to have taken quite a flexible meaning lately. However, now that my life is a bit back in order for a moment, I shall take the time to resume. I'm not really sure what to say or how my present situation relates back to this song. I'm lost in a series of unknowns right now, but yet I know exactly where I need to be. The epic feel of this year is too great at this point for me to express it. Perhaps music could, but my songs are even failing to convey the immense emotion that spreads across my world, changing its previous state. I will let this song speak for itself. I will let my life play out as it's meant to. I will charge forward with confidence and I will take this year head on. It's finally time to begin.

Lyrics to "Better Days":

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child who saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wOLQDAgiy4

"Blank Wall" by Kerani (Me)

I wanted to change them. I wanted to open them up to the beauties of the world that they'd always been in the habit of bobbing through. Edward and Jacob were both my projects so to speak. I loved them both momentously but I loved them mostly through the lens of trying to bring them out or trying to help them reach their true potential as emotional human beings. Part of me genuinely longed to be connected with them. I constantly sought to make them whole and felt that in the process I could feel complete myself. Both times I was wrong. I did not make Jacob or Edward any more whole than they were to start with and I only ended up walking away empty handed.

I wrote this song the first time after I walked away from Edward. My subconscious clearly knew that he wasn't going to budge, but my heart kept hoping. Jacob knew the song well. He'd added some chord progressions to it long ago so that the song would modulate. He always said he never paid attention to the words, but he recently referenced them in hopes to persuade me to give up on him. "I'm a blank wall," he said. "There's nothing to get to know."

I realized that the similar catastrophic endings of my relationships with Jacob and Edward come from a similar thread in my personality. I search for people whom I believe I can fix. Much of my self-worth comes from my belief that I can make such loners whole. I prize myself on having an inherent ability to reach inside and plant some of my security into their inexperienced vaults. However, things never go as I plan, partially because people who do not wish to open up often are content with their condition. They do not like to be pushed against their will and often become defensive in the process. I set myself up for the hurtful repercussions of their defensiveness by refusing to give up on their changeability until they explode and I am forced by the inkling of sensibility I have to cut off all ties.

I often think of the loss of such struggles as failures. However, today, I came to a different conclusion. My goal in transforming these people from stolid zombies into emotionally expressive human beings often is not involved with my own happiness. I am constantly aware that I will have to go through pain to improve the situations of these people. So when Edward and Jacob blew up and released their anger on me, I was in fact accomplishing my goal. My happiness was never part of the equation and I'd accepted that fact. Edward and Jacob's anger and annoyance were clear indications of their emotional responses to me and my escapades. As my current AIM status states, "a blank wall moved through annoyance is still a blank wall moved." I did not receive any personal gain apart from knowledge at the end of such travails. However, I did accomplish my goals by cracking two blank walls, allowing them to experience their own anger, setting the ground for the recognition of emotions in general.

It is this realization that through stress and strife keeps me "standing tall."

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2cTFFOOl5A

"Suddenly I See" by K.T. Tunstall

Miranda and I are in the midst of a philosophical discussion. I told her that I feel my life has just taken off from the runway. I am starting to become more and more responsible for my life. I feel like a separate entity from everything I've been in the past. I have a clear purpose and a clear direction in which I want my life and my aspirations to go.

I've realized recently, looking back on my interactions with Jacob and Edward that I can handle anything. I am strong enough to take any pain that's thrown at me and separate it from my self-esteem and my overall identity. Everyone, including Jacob himself, wonders why I have not freed myself of his influence and moved on to brighter possibilities. The answer on my end is simple. His actions against me are separate from his soul. I love his soul with a passion that cannot be unbroken. This love is separate from my short-term well-being. If I am able to take any pain and handle any consequence, I might as well use this power to my advantage. I might as well use the time I have to help him grow. They all say that one person is incapable of changing another. Until I have attempted and failed for the entirety of my life, I will not accept this potential falsehood.

When Jacob asked me today if a lot of people I know analyze people like I do, I answered truthfully, "Nope." Most people do not have the interest or the desire to invest so much energy to such a prospect. I cannot trace the origin of this passion and ability within me, but I know, as I told Jake, that it has been helpful. It convinced Josie to break up with her boyfriend who she had been uselessly sticking with as a comfort for years. It convinced Drake to begin to open up his mind and heart to the world. I watched proudly as the change in him began to show. I do not know why Jacob is so much more of an ordeal. Perhaps because my emotions are so blatantly tied to the situation. I was consistently unable to follow my instinct because my imminent needs got in the way.

However, now that I have through practice acquired the ability to act based on instinct in spite of my imminent needs, my abilities as a psychic analyzer have been magnified. "Suddenly I see, this is what I [am meant] to be". My unbreakable strength paired with my ability to see through people allows me to fix things that need to be fixed and change things that need to be changed.

Jacob once said to me, "Meeting you and the growth I experienced afterwards will be one of the most important things that ever happened to me. I'm sure many others will feel the same way about you; you really influence others' lives."

If that has been the case, then it continues to be regardless of Jacob's present but weakening denial. Hopefully by the end of this year, when Jacob and I are both happy and reformed, I will realize "why the hell it means so much to me."

Lyrics to "Suddenly I See":

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tlU-1u1JC8

"This Time" by Vanessa Carlton

"He's totally into you," Sadie said, talking about Jacob. She tends to be right. I wouldn't have fully recognized my current situation had it not been for her impeccable analysis that I cited in an earlier blog and confirmed in a following one. Miranda agreed. She tends to be right as well. However, both these girls were there for my Edward drama and they said the same thing. My Edward drama blew up as a failure. We'd had a connection but it got to the point at which our communication was so dysfunctional that we did not truly know who the other person was anymore.

Had it not been for last night's phone conversation, Jake and I would be in a similar situation. Thankfully, there is an important difference between the two situations. I didn't make out with Edward. If I had, perhaps he would have broken his shell as he did for a minute after we kissed for the first time. Or perhaps the dynamic wouldn't have clicked for either of us. Eventually, I will find out a variation of which would have been the case. However, all I know now is that my situation with Jacob has a lot more promise than the one I had with Edward. The dynamic between Jacob and I could not be better. It's perfect. And both of us know it. That is what makes the emotional component so hard. Our perfect dynamic continues to pull us both back. I accept this fact and he denies it desperately. Last night on the phone, he stopped denying but our situation is still full of unknowns.

Many people wonder why in the universe I'd keep subjecting myself to the pain that Jacob has continually fed me. Jacob wonders this himself it seems. But I don't wonder. The truth is, no matter what happens between Jacob and me, our natural dynamic will remain the same. We are meant to be together. My instinct has finally pointed me in the right direction. His continues to be clouded. Everyone tells me that I do not have the capability to change Jacob. No matter how much of myself I give to him, he will continue to be the same. But for some reason, I cannot ignore the instinct to keep giving. I am and have always been strong enough to take anything. Backing down has never been an option. When a deviation from instinct has caused me pain, I have consistently been strong enough to wrench myself back on track. Now I am back on track. The difference is I must wrench Jacob back on track along with me.

Why am I willing to do this? Why is Jacob's happiness and self-knowledge so important to me? I have a chance for a better life - a life that doesn't involve constant pain and insecurity. But I cannot choose that life, for I only have one year to make a difference in this world and giving in to my own potential happiness is not the way to do it. This future with Jacob, regardless of the intensity of the pain and the emotion to which I am bound to be subjected, is my future. It is the future I have chosen and it is the future that lies along my instinct's path. Denying it would be denying my ability to make a change in the world and in the life of someone who I love more than I loved Edward - more than I've loved any guy.

Say I take the risk and nothing comes of it. Then I will have tried my hardest and failed knowing that I left nothing to regret. Say I take the risk and everything comes of it. Then the only thing I will regret will be the split Jacob and I will inevitably be forced to make at the end of the year. And that is beyond my control. It's time I take charge of what I can control and make a difference. After all, "This Time", I can handle it.

Lyrics to "This Time":

It's 4 a.m. and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
A flickering of all of my mistakes
And as the light starts creeping in
I slowly feel
The day I'm missing
But I wouldn't even know where to begin

Do I push to hard?
Or fall to fast?
The moment never seems to last
Will I stop long enough to know

Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away,
This time

Your words circle in my head
Weigh so heavy on my chest
And I'm crushed by your expectation
I only want to do some good
Too dumb to know if I could
And I just wanna feel the days I'm in

Do I go to far,
Not far enough?
Why can't I keep my big mouth shut?
And do we lead the life that we should?

Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away,
This time

Did I say to much again?
I'm just a girl in a panic
If I tell you my truth
Am I getting through?
It just seems I should confess
Who am I to pretend
This is more than I can carry

Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I hold my head up high
I know I'll be alright
This time
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away
This time
This time,
This time
This time,
This time

It's 4 am and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
It's times like these I see your face

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJsmr_ZlvS8&feature=PlayList&p=9E6A814D94E899E7&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=16

"My Immortal" by Evanescence

You know that if I write a blog about my hopes for resolution with Jacob, the next one is going to be a blog filled with pain and misery. I just wasted that beautiful song on this heartless blank wall. His cold words shattered its flowing simplicity.

I'd been excited about the power and reliable accuracy of my instinct. It has allowed me to analyze even the most complicated people so precisely that even they themselves are shocked. But now I see that just because I follow my instinct doesn't mean that other people follow theirs. My instinct is only valuable in relation to myself and my knowledge. In terms of situations, it cannot control or overpower the misguided choices of other people. Just because my instinct allows me to choose the right path does not mean that other people involved will do the same.

"I don't know why I can't tell you to get away from me," he exclaimed incredulously. The fireworks were sounded and the rain was beating down upon Nathanson, the sidewalk, and our heads. I knew why, but I didn't tell him. His instinct is no more than fear. His fear clouds his knowledge of the right path even though the right path haunts him, every month to no end.

"I just don't like you THAT -" (much). He stopped himself and told a milder lie..."way" I believe was the word. I couldn't have cared less. My instinct may not be able to power a situation but it can sift through lies of which Jacob was spewing at me at a rate of about 50 miles per minute.

"I'm such a bad person. Why do you still like me?" Do I like him? Really? No. I could if he opened up his real self but instead, I as of now, I just love him. Simply and plainly. I love him and I love the pain he causes me. It does nothing but suck the life out of me, but it does everything to improve my instinct and teach me about this tortured world in which we live, or at least in which I do. I love his mind. I love his hair and the way we make out. I love his closed persona that I long to open up. And I am too strong to back away from the pain he causes me in multitudes. It's like the blister on my heel caused by those beautiful red flats I was wearing: If I walk long enough, I forget the pain until the next time I put it on.

"I got bored of talking to you." Really? Cause I've always been told I was interesting. Edward and I had that conversation. I may be many things, but I am not boring. If I were truly boring to Jacob, it would be entirely his misjudgment. However, this is not the case. He is drowning helplessly in his futile attempts to come up with an excuse to hide the one emotion that's preventing all that is right from happening:

Fear. Cold, blatant, fear - fear of pressure, fear of commitment, fear of judgment, fear of insecurity. That's all that is responsible for Jacob's lack of perspective in this situation: Fear. I couldn't find the words to tell him, but if he reads this, he will agree. In moments of enlightenment, he has seen it himself. These realizations are followed by hope on my end - hope that the situation will grow into its rightful path. The next day however, I wake up to find that Jacob has elapsed back into his perpetual rut of fear. If I am not the one to break it, no one will. No one will be strong or crazy enough to fight this hard for someone who doesn't even care that I'm fighting.

"I know you're happy now, but I know I could make you happier."

"Oh really?"

Yes, Jacob. Really.

Lyrics to "My Immortal":

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb8SewYkjds&feature=PlayList&p=235E227ACDB81EA3&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=4