"Blank Wall" by Kerani (Me)

I wanted to change them. I wanted to open them up to the beauties of the world that they'd always been in the habit of bobbing through. Edward and Jacob were both my projects so to speak. I loved them both momentously but I loved them mostly through the lens of trying to bring them out or trying to help them reach their true potential as emotional human beings. Part of me genuinely longed to be connected with them. I constantly sought to make them whole and felt that in the process I could feel complete myself. Both times I was wrong. I did not make Jacob or Edward any more whole than they were to start with and I only ended up walking away empty handed.

I wrote this song the first time after I walked away from Edward. My subconscious clearly knew that he wasn't going to budge, but my heart kept hoping. Jacob knew the song well. He'd added some chord progressions to it long ago so that the song would modulate. He always said he never paid attention to the words, but he recently referenced them in hopes to persuade me to give up on him. "I'm a blank wall," he said. "There's nothing to get to know."

I realized that the similar catastrophic endings of my relationships with Jacob and Edward come from a similar thread in my personality. I search for people whom I believe I can fix. Much of my self-worth comes from my belief that I can make such loners whole. I prize myself on having an inherent ability to reach inside and plant some of my security into their inexperienced vaults. However, things never go as I plan, partially because people who do not wish to open up often are content with their condition. They do not like to be pushed against their will and often become defensive in the process. I set myself up for the hurtful repercussions of their defensiveness by refusing to give up on their changeability until they explode and I am forced by the inkling of sensibility I have to cut off all ties.

I often think of the loss of such struggles as failures. However, today, I came to a different conclusion. My goal in transforming these people from stolid zombies into emotionally expressive human beings often is not involved with my own happiness. I am constantly aware that I will have to go through pain to improve the situations of these people. So when Edward and Jacob blew up and released their anger on me, I was in fact accomplishing my goal. My happiness was never part of the equation and I'd accepted that fact. Edward and Jacob's anger and annoyance were clear indications of their emotional responses to me and my escapades. As my current AIM status states, "a blank wall moved through annoyance is still a blank wall moved." I did not receive any personal gain apart from knowledge at the end of such travails. However, I did accomplish my goals by cracking two blank walls, allowing them to experience their own anger, setting the ground for the recognition of emotions in general.

It is this realization that through stress and strife keeps me "standing tall."

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2cTFFOOl5A