"With You" by Jessica Simpson

There's a lot that's been going on lately. My feelings for Jacob are no longer tortured and bent. Rather, they are in a similar category to the ones I possess for Drake - practically harmless. My feelings for Edward are either in limbo or non-existent and I have nothing more to say concerning the topic. Now that my knotted past is for the most part untangled, I have a clear vision of what I want...what I've always wanted - perhaps they are the same thing.

Stewart and I have been talking more lately. We had a brief discourse on AIM by which I obtained his gmail address. We've been talking a bit in that medium as well. I guess what's surprised me most about Stewart's and my interactions is that it feels almost effortless. I feel no need to type out 50-page emails to him to capture his attention. I do not ponder for minutes on end about how to respond to his messages. Rather, I spurt off something quick and meaningful and leave the nature of the response, if there is a response, gladly up to him.

I don't know why or how this dynamic has taken place. With all the other guys I've been interested in, there was always a struggle to open them up or impress them with contrived wit. As the days continue, I trust Stewart more and more. I trust our connection. I trust that it is meant to happen - that he is no Prince Charming - but that he is good and good for me. In person, unlike with past people, I feel no need to be raucous and domineering in order to attract his attention. I know that my presence, bubbly yet respectfully reserved, is enough to lure his gaze and focus. What's more is that I trust Stewart's approval of my appearance. I used to primp with paranoia before entering the composition room. Before studio class, I like to check up with the mirror but I also have faith that in entering the classroom, my general aura will be enough. I need not look extravagant or completely free of blemishes. I could be wearing a t-shirt for all he cares. Something about me is enough - something that I hope he might inform me of in the future.

I am astounded by the nature of this budding relationship. It's clear by now that there is something between us - whether it grows into something or not, it exists. I am confident of this and have little fear of moving forward. However, I am not desperate as I have been in the past to push things along. Something about Stewart's introverted yet refreshingly open personality makes me feel secure enough on its own without needing to push for the security of a defined relationship. I want to get to know him better - fully and completely before this year is over. I want to see all sides of him. I want to have more to love than just first and external impressions. At first all I knew is that I felt attracted to him for a variety of unexplained reasons. Now I know that I feel safe in his presence and thinking of him for the same reasons.

If this has the potential to grow, even in senior year, I think it would be worth it. My dreams have been jaded by the harsh reality that seeped through me in the past years. Though it was necessary to experience this, "the real me used to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love." I want to bring that girl back. And I think Stewart can help me.

Lyrics to "With You":

The real me is a southern girl with her Levis on and an open heart
Wish I could save the world, like I was super girl
The real me used to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love
But lately I've been jaded life got so complicated

I start thinking about it,
I almost forgot what it was like
To know what it feels like
Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you, with you, with you
Now that I'm with you

You speak and it's like a song
And just like that all my walls come down
It's like a private joke just meant for us to know
I relate to you naturally
Everybody else just fades away
Sometimes it's hard to breathe
Just knowing you found me

Cuz I start thinking about it,
I almost forgot what it was like
To know what love feels right
Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you

Come and take me
Love you save me
Like nobody else
Now I can be myself
With you

With you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now (Baby as I do now)
Now that I'm with you

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6wXU6DtouY

"I Wish" by Victoria Beckham

So...Stewart...maybe this blog will sound slightly comical considering all the time I devoted to discussing other guys. I guess for the past month or so, Stew's kind of been a supporting character in my life drama. Jacob acted as, for lack of a less clichéd phrase, the elephant in the room that though detrimental to my health, could not be ignored. Edward has stayed on the back-burner ever since Jacob reappeared at the beginning of August, but the college process consistently brings thoughts of him to the forefront.

However, as of yesterday, or rather two days ago, something changed. The dynamic of Stewart's and my relationship (or acquaintance-ship) shifted. I mentioned part of this in my last blog. I noticed that he was more shy and reserved but when we talked about college, it felt as if our connection had grown and was more present. Recently, I'd started to dismiss it, at least in my head as some kind of passing attraction that exists but will result in nothing. However, after that one brief conversation about college, it seemed like somehow we were on the same level - a level that nobody else could quite reach. It reminded me of a conversation Edward and I had in a practice room one Thursday night after rehearsal. He was telling me about Korea. Half of him was wondering why I cared to listen. Half of him was relieved he had someone American to talk to.

In fact, the beginning of this connection with Stewart and I almost exactly mirrors the beginning of Edward's and mine. It's deja vu to the max. This is the second chance I've been asking for, except I'm more mature now - capable of handling a deep connection in the disguise of a normal world relationship.

It's funny. I notice so many common patterns between this connection and the one I developed with Edward. Every time I receive a negative impulse, I feel like shrinking into some shroud of doubt to protect myself from the impact of the heavy connection as it falls. But then, Edward would and Stewart seems to always open up the shroud and release me to a further magnified state. Last night, I was sitting at the computer, wondering if I should send Stew the recording I'd made that he would have participated in had it not been his birthday. I IMed him asking for his email. He did not respond immediately, but his excuse was adorable. He had been fixing his mouse and thusly could not open the window. We continued to talk. Somehow, even across AIM, I felt the spark of a tentatively developing connection. I didn't want to make the same mistake as I did with Jacob - developing a relationship over AIM - so after I made a slight bit of small talk I decided to depart.

Stewart seems very much akin to Edward in that he is pretty detached. I doubt he'd be the type to stay on the phone for long periods of time with relative strangers - or moreover to pursue an attractive girl whom he's only known on the basis of observation. I realize now that sitting around and waiting is not going to do the job if Stewart's and my connection is going to go somewhere. After all, the trouble in Edward and my relationship did not begin until I became neurotic. I pursued him quite intensely with heavy encouragement from his end up to that point and everything was going fine.

My instinct to some degree has spoken. This connection is meant to happen. This bond is meant to grow. And I'm going to pursue it lightheartedly before it's too late.

Lyrics to "I Wish":

Ah, come on
Ooh, who me?
Come on, uh

I saw you outside
Getting out your ride
A CLK 430, you've got style
As soon as I checked you out
A ladies man no doubt
From head to toe you're all style I like it

How bout you buy me a rose cos I think
This is gonna get a little interesting
Let's see where this conversation goes
I'm not sure that I want you to know

I wish I could right now
Wish that I could show you how
I'm feeling you (I'm feelin' you)
Boy I try I can't hide (can't hide)
How badly I want you tonight
I've gotta fight it

If you take me home
Get me all alone
Nothing could happen it's just too soon
I'm just being upfront
Telling you from the jump
Not tonight I'm not that type of girl (I'm sorry)

If I gave you the wrong impression I
Apologise from the bottom of my heart
I'm talkin' out my head, probably misled you
I'm confused and I'm a little scared

I wish I could right now (could right now)
Wish that I could show you how
I'm feeling you
Boy I try I can't hide (ooh, whoa)
How badly I want you tonight
I've gotta fight it (gotta fight it, baby)

I wish I could right now
Wish that I could show you how (wish that I could show you how)
I'm feeling you (oh-whoa)
Boy I try I can't hide
How badly I want you tonight
I've gotta fight it

My bodies playin' tricks on me
I'm just not thinkin' clearly
This has happened too quickly, I've got to slow down
Tomorrow is another day
This I promise if you say
That it doesn't matter, everything is gonna be okay

Slow down (hmm, okay)
Come on (I wish)

I wish I could right now (I wish I, I wish)
Wish that I could show you how
I'm feeling you
Boy I try I can't hide (oh, yeah)
How badly I want you tonight (I want you tonight)
I've gotta fight it

I wish I could right now
Wish that I could show you how (if you only knew)
I'm feeling you
Boy I try I can't hide
How badly I want you tonight
I've gotta fight it

I wish I could right now (baby)
Wish that I could show you how (show you how)
I'm feeling you (I'm feeling you)
Boy I try I can't hide
How badly I want you tonight
I've gotta fight it

I wish I, could show you
Boy I try, I want you

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWYxQY5Lf00

"Love Song" by Sara Bareilles

Hey everyone...it's Saturday night. To one extent I am very happy. I had a wonderful recording today. The song was magnified to its utmost ability. I plan on sending the file to Stewart so that he knows what he missed out on. That's what instinct says I should do.

Speaking of Stewart, today is his birthday. I saw him in the morning. He wasn't wearing his glasses and I looked great in my checkered off-white and black dress, the authentic cowboy boots adding their classic kick. He looked at me. He smiled - looked happy to see me I think. But I couldn't bare to look at him. I don't know what it is - my pride perhaps? I am never able to look a newfound crush or break-up in the eye. I couldn't do either today. Jacob and I did not speak. I felt a bit guilty, but I must leave that guilt alone. He deserves no more than my civility. I'll buck up and give it to him next week.

Anyway, the reason I chose this song? I know Sara wrote it about her employer, who demanded that she write a love song just like every other artist out there. Sara the maverick decided to write a defiant, yet human statement instead. Obviously, this is not my situation. I'm taking the lyrics by their literal meaning - the way in which it more easily relates to my life.

I'm sensing some awkwardness on the Stewart front. This could be a good thing, but it could also be negative. He and I were exchanging shy but less meaningful glances in the studio. I guess as the hour progressed, we got a bit more back to normal - but I got the sense that we'd either backtracked or stepped forward in a roundabout way. I can't tell which it is, which is interesting. Our dynamic could have shifted to a permanent friends stage, or it could have progressed into a more connected state where we are actually attempting to relate on a deeper level of communication. Actually, even though I'm not particularly optimistic today, I tend to believe the latter.

But either way, I guess it's nothing to really worry about. I want to answer my instinct in this situation and not pursue Stewart like I have the other guys I've gone for. I can be friendly. I can try to get to know him better. I can even be flirty and attempt to sweep him off his feet without tripping myself at the same time. But I'm not going to blatantly pursue him. If it's meant to happen it will. No love songs involved...in public at least.

Lyrics to "Love Song":

Head under water
And you tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
Made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands

I'm unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'cause I believe there's a way you can love me
Because I say
I won't write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
Is that why you wanted a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to
Write you a love song today

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MR5xv3pt7KI

Numb/Encore by Jay-Z and Linkin Park

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"If It's Lovin' That You Want" by Rihanna

You know...the college admissions process is very much like a dating game. I'm the bachelorette, surveying the choices that come my way - sifting through to find the ones I'm after.

At first, I found myself attracted to the traditional playboy favorite of the bachelorettes - smart, ruggedly handsome, but hardly approachable for a punk like me. Then, further along in the game, I was swayed by an interesting choice. I'd never before heard his name. He was shy and preferred to stay in the background - I suppose. But there was something majestic about him. The chemistry didn't last on my end, but I guess he's stayed planted in the back of my head nonetheless.

Randomly, one day, I had a strange epiphany. I had had my eye on a certain spiffy yet seemingly approachable bloke for whom the girls are known to fall. He's desirable - gorgeous in the rugged sort of way. He's the type of guy your parents would love to invite for dinner. But he's not a player like the rest who fall in his category. I found myself wishing I could make it with him. Perhaps he'd be into my artsy creativity. Perhaps he'd be enamored by my writing skills. Perhaps he'd over-look my lacking ability to take tests or complete menial homework assignments that only serve to take time away from my music-making. However, when I later saw things in perspective, I realized that I would have to work WAY too hard to make this relationship take off. This guy, though seemingly a good person, would only accept the fully packaged me - I don't mean the me that's put on a satin red dress and make-up...not that kind of packaging - I mean the hardcore packaging when part of me would be hiding and the other part stretching so hard I'd no doubt be pulling something. It didn't seem worth it.

At the same time as I was having this realization, I was in a very interesting situation. I'd been chilling with a guy just by chance. We'd met at a journalism conference and he was taking the same train as me downtown. We happened to talk and since the conference was to last for a good five-weeks, I knew I'd get to know him pretty well through our daily train trips. He had an epic air about him. He was incredibly attractive in a laid-back way - but that's the type of attractive I like. He seemed flexible and artsy, but academic in the practical sense as well. He was well-rounded and knowledgeable. I got the sense he knew a lot of people. But so did I. And we both seemed to be interested in connecting on a personal level.

About two weeks into the conference, we began to hang out more. I learned a lot more about him. Seemingly detached before, he began to open up. I found myself in love - for the first time. Something about this guy just seemed to fit with me. He was perfect. He was everything I'd searched for subconsciously and consciously.

Now, nearly two months after the conference's end, I continue to maintain feelings for this guy. It's my job to win him and to be a successful bachelorette in this mind-boggling game. I know that he and I would both benefit from such a partnership and would most likely lose if it didn't work out. I must do my best in the next month to convince him of this. And some of Rihanna's confident sass may do me some good.

So Northwestern: "If it's lovin' that you want, you should make ME your girl." :D

"Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse

I've realized that my blog tends to deal primarily with the concrete events in my life. It hardly ever deals with the hypothetical, or the less tangible elements, which are just as important because that's where all the promise lies anyway. In Chuck's blog, the boundary between fantasy and fiction is hardly present. He shifts back and forth in one line of thought between the two. So why can't I do the same or at least express my fantasy life...

This song is the song that I imagine my dream guy singing to me - well, not actually singing - but I imagine him thinking the words in his head. Now, some of you may know that due to recent circumstances, my dream guy may not in fact be confined to my dreams. I did meet a guy who is pretty much like Edward, who you know has represented such a dream in the past, except not culture-bound. And because of the current situation, involving our busy lives and the fact that we hardly know each other, we are in fact "hanging by a moment" in the past, that hopefully in time will grow.

So...what quantifies a dream guy you ask? Well of course he must be dashing in my eyes - that doesn't mean he needs to be conventionally dashing as Stewart is not (Chuck makes this point clear all too well). It just means that his physical appearance passes my standards. Because I do not have a physical "type", this requirement is pretty broad. He must have a certain air about him - a "I want to change the world and am going to do it" air. He must be intellectual - both practically smart and book-smart enough to be able to apply such practicality.

But mainly, he must be a solidly good person who has the heart and the security to care about me, not as an extension of himself, but as a separate and just-as-worthy human being. He must be interested in me, but not so much that he would shirk work and responsibility to go after me. He must respect me, but also respect himself. I guess these are qualities that every girl wants in a guy but a lot of girls tend to settle and convince themselves that the individual guy of the moment is worth the loss of such expectations. However, I am determined never to do this. You have seen the way I have cut off ties with someone I love because these expectations of mine were not being fulfilled. I can do it. I am strong, though my emotions, according to our favorite Jacob, suggest otherwise.

I guess right now, as I told my friend Drake yesterday, I'm not looking for a guy. I'm looking to succeed. My longings for Prince Charming must at least for the next month lie on the back-burner. If Stewart is in fact this guy, then by the end of this stretch, our connection will still remain. For now, we are "hanging by a moment", waiting for a gust of wind to push us over this spark-filled hump.

I'm not as talented with vivid hypothetical imagery as is Chuck, but it was worth a shot to get my point across. When I've finished the massive amount of work in store for me today, I will be back to continue.

Lyrics to "Hanging By A Moment":

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFzUB_tX-Io

"All You Wanted" by Michelle Branch

Today was an important day. First because I took my senior pictures. Second because I got hit by a bike while running up the west side highway. Third because I finally decided to do the impossible and instinct my way into a state of further peace. I reconciled, at least on my end, with Jacob. I realized, after some self-reflection that my feelings for Jacob aren't necessary negative. He worked his way into my life as a friend. And then it was partially my doing, despite my instinct's warnings, that it went to the next level. Considering all the pain that I've gone through in order to get myself back on track and make up for my past ignorance, it is natural that my relationship with Jake could and maybe should return to the lax state in which it was originally.

You may be wondering and perhaps you should be why I continue to put up with this jackass. He is indeed a jackass as both of us have repeatedly confirmed. His actions and words are intolerable and they cut me down as you have seen. Yet somehow, the pain I felt as a result of Jacob's actions and words is almost completely detached from the re-defined version of myself that came to life after I returned to my proper path. Because the romantic attachment I had to Jacob was not right and therefore had to be undone, it no longer exists after I retraced my steps. My strong, renewed self has the ability to detach from her personal feelings, reach out, and help a lost soul become whole.

Because that's exactly what he is. He's lost. He's inside himself. And he's trapped because he has grown up in a high achieving environment where living inside yourself is sort of a given. I can't go back and erase the love I've developed for Jacob. But I've realized that it's not the kind of love that I had for Edward, or that I have the potential to develop for Stewart. Those feelings are more direct, more clear and less of a choice. I didn't choose to fall for Stewart. It just happened. I chose to fall for Jacob. And this pure love resulted. I guess the confusion we both went through resulted from my clouded judgment's inability to separate romantic love from the love where you crave for a person's well-being and growth, even when they have many flaws that you may or may not have experienced first-hand.

Jacob's reaction to my change was quite typical of him. He said that "this was bound to happen eventually so I guess my reaction is sort of a 'finally'". Well, I guess in the end, you have to expect a jackass to be a jackass. However, because I'm not dependent on this loser for my happiness, I have little expectations of him. He will be who he will be. I'll just be there, as I should, to witness it, give my commentary, and continue to open his "tunnel vision." Much Ado About Nothing Eh? I guess all this silly guy needs, even though he doesn't realize it, is "someone who cares". I, with my killer instinct, confidence, and self-knowledge, can be that girl. =)

Lyrics to "All You Wanted":

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didnt know that it was so cold
And you needed someone
To show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the tide comes
Id take you away

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
Was somebody who cares

Im sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when youre gone

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
Was somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know Ill be there
Oh, yeah

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
Was somebody who cares

Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when youre gone

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qyOilzLok

"Nolita Fairytale" by Vanessa Carlton

Alright...you all will be happy to hear that after that depressing blog, Jacob is finally out of my system. With the help of my friends, particularly Lake Placid people, I can finally say that we are done and I am ok with it. I'm not saying I won't have slight relapses here and there in the next few weeks. However, I am further enlightened as to what happened:

I mentioned my "religion" in one of the first blogs I wrote. Basically, I believe in a philosophy I call "Instinct Destiny". We have a destiny out there for us that we're technically supposed to achieve. We are informed of this path towards our destiny by instinct, which tells us, or those of us who listen, which way to go when faced with a fork in the road. Now if we choose the right path and follow our instinct, we're placed one step closer to achieving the destiny set out for us. However, if we go against destiny, we are set back and faced with the challenge of accounting for our actions.

When the idea of Jacob and me first popped into my head, I dismissed it. He's not right for me. As a close friend maybe but not as a boyfriend. I'm not even that attracted to him. Melanie, as time went on, especially after Edward and my catastrophe, began to push the idea. I adopted it more strongly and eventually found myself quite attracted to the guy - so much so that the idea of him and me seemed probable. He was nice enough on aim. In person I barely knew him but that didn't matter. As a potential boyfriend, he seemed like a fine candidate. We started talking more and more intensely. However, as the day of the start of our relationship grew closer, I began to doubt the concept. Thoughts of a previous crush Connor began to flood my head in a futile attempt to save me. Constant unsurity plagued my subconscious. Still, because I hadn't quite recognized the power of my instinct, I went against these signs and got myself into what I now know was a misguided situation.

I don't know how to explain what drew me away from what I knew was not entirely what I wanted. The movie "Slumdog Millionaire" is mainly to blame. It's a great movie, but the concept of that ideal love between the me-like Frieda Pinto and the Jacob-like Dev Patel did not help suade me from making the wrong choice. I still often think about this movie and am tempted to relapse back into my previous state of Jacob-pining. But then I realize that Jacob, though very similar to Dev in looks and demeanor, in a relationship is nothing like him.

I made the wrong decision and I paid for it in pain. Once my debt was paid correctly, I was allowed to return on my path to achieve my destiny. The second I realized this pattern, I was put back on my path and the wounds Jacob had given me were very much faded. My life seems once again free, happy and devoted to others around me as well as to my own happiness.

Though I should have never departed on this path, I did learn something while there:

When your heart and head take two different paths, always choose your head and wait for the day when they'll both be in line.

Lyrics to "Nolita Fairytale":

I know, you know, we dont see
We sow our truth, wait patiently

I walk the streets with a song in my head
We ebb and we flow so
Got my toes on my pup at the foot of my bed
My heart always seems to know
Now take the glitz back, I want the soul instead
Cos I found some kind of fairytale

I used to
Hover outside my truth
Always worry of what Id lose
Take away my record deal
Go on, I dont need it
Spent the last 2 years getting to whats real
And now I can see so clear
I hope you feel just like I feel
I found some kind of fairytale

Want a garden by the ocean tide
Because I lose my way searching for stage lights
Well, Stevie knows and I thank her so
Cos its your seeds I sow
And now I know

Nolita flat on rent control
Thats the life I choose
And you drag me to the fashion show
The poses that I see through
The movies in the afternoon

Cos I found some kind of fairytale
Nolita Fairytale
Ba da da da da da, Ba da da da da da
Nolita Fairytale
Ba da da da da da, Ba da da da da da

Nolita Fairytale
Nolita Fairytale
Nolita Fairytale

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T7YZI5e8q8

"I Will Learn To Love Again" by Kaci

This is a pretty clichee song to use I realize. I mean after a hard break-up, everyone wants to believe that they'll stop "drowning in tears" and will be able to "learn to love again". But for some reason, I have no doubt that I will get past this.

I have spent a large portion of today in bed, crying about my situation. The other part I either spent doing homework, writing songs, or practicing. I went on a run but ended up walking most of it. I came back feeling a lot better. Listening to Matt Nathanson reminded me of all the qualities I am searching for in a guy - qualities Jacob never had.

My mom asked me why I'd been upset. I couldn't tell her. She thought it was because I didn't win. She thought it was because he wasn't as upset as "I thought he'd be (??)". I don't know. I think I was surprised by how upset Jacob was by all of this. I thought he'd be callous and that his nonchalance would give me a spark of anger that would allow me to escape. Instead, his puppy-like sadness made me want to hold him and shield him from his own back-firing pain. Once again I was sucked in. Once again I was spat out without warning. And it hurt to know that in essence I was just a distraction - that in essence I meant nothing.

I loved Jacob but I didn't like him. I needed him but I didn't want him. And now I'm left with excess love and reliance that still has room for genuine like and want to ease in. I have that natural feeling towards Stewart. It's a feeling that with time has the potential to become real love - not love that depends on a virtual idea of a lost soul. If I opened up to Stewart, I feel like I'd be in reliable and good hands. It wouldn't be a one-sided relationship like the ones I've pursued before with people who looked down on relationships, viewing them as useless or even wrong.

Stewart is everything I've wanted - everything that Jacob could never be. Stewart is arrogant but not cocky. He's attractive but doesn't flaunt it. He's warm but also detached enough such that I find him attractive. I know that if I let go of the pain that Jacob caused me and was brave and chill enough to let Stewart in, I'd be happy. I'd be truly happy. I'd feel as if I were in the right place, kind of like I do now when I'm with him. I feel safe. I feel appreciated. And I don't even know him.

You know...my love for Jacob...if reciprocated in the right way would never have ceased. It would never allow me to move on. If Stewart really is who I think he is, maybe it's time to let him in. Maybe it's time to open up to a different horizon that has existed in the backdrop of this stormy sky. Though it seems improbable now, with time, perhaps I can "learn to love again."

Lyrics to "I Will Learn to Love Again":

Drowning in tears that wont be me
I will soon be free from the chains of all this pain inside
And though I cry it wont be long till I regain the strength to know
I can go on
I will find my way through the heart break I will not give up on love
I believe

I will learn to love again I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn to
Learn to love again

All of these tears time will dry them I will survive them
And make it through into another day all of this pain
Time will heal it there’ll be a time sometime I know
I won't feel it
I will live through life without you after the hurting is done
I believe

[Chorus]

I will find someone who deserves my touch after all the hurt is through
I will be so over you I will not give up on love
I believe yeah

[Chorus]

Oh yeah yeah oh oh love again

(To love again...)

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stkLnpzsO3w

"9 Crimes" by Damien Rice

Pain - n. The throb in your heart you feel when someone you love strikes you down; the two-sided pull when you can see where you're supposed to be but you can only sense where you are; the hatred you feel towards yourself for staying stuck in a rut that you could at least pretend to be out of; the feeling that floods me in multitudes as I type this.

I went nuts yesterday. I know I was at music school. I had my cello on my back. I felt it shake as I walked quickly from floor to floor. My hair was wavy. It was a mess because I stopped caring halfway through the day. It didn't matter to Stewart. It was as if that week was plucked out of Lake Placid and placed soundly in that little room where we'll spend the last hour of Saturday class. But somehow, I couldn't feel it. What existed outside that room - that perfect little microcosm - monopolizes me. I was present in the building. But my mind was lost to the confines of a greater reality.

He says he's not attractive - Jacob, I mean - but when I saw him, coming out of the elevator, I did, as always, a double take. There was no other way to turn. I had to pass him. I had to look him in the face, which is perfect in my eyes. That was where the day began - right in that spot - the spot I ran from.

I sat in class 2 hours later. I held the phone in my hands. I wanted to throw it. I wanted to break the LCD screen one more time. I wanted to slam the solid, black door open and shut in order to let the wind somehow blow me out of where my heart had landed and would not leave. I was in the room, but my mind was lost to the confines of a greater reality. As Damien would describe it, my gun was loaded, but I could not shoot. And how was he, Jacob, supposed to hold such a heavy burden?

He walked down the hallway later and it was like I'd never known him. He was upset. I could see it in his eyes. He was in pain. For once, I could percieve quite clearly how I'd affected him. But it did not comfort me. I sat on the floor, my arms enclosing my knees, wishing it could have been him to hold me and suffocate the pain his presence caused. The words he was saying - that he'd lost interest, that he doesn't want to talk, to connect, to make-out - I knew they were false comforts he was spoon-feeding himself in order to deal with what he'd fallen into. I felt sorry. Part of me wished I'd never come. Part of me wished I could have just dealt with the pain Edward had left me to clean up. I don't remember it clearly, but I do know that it was considerably less than the one I'm bound to now.

The part of me yearning to be free of this confusion began to sink into the carpeted floor. The part of me that loved him, that still loves him, chained me like a weakened warrior to a cushionless vacuum, convincing me that my purpose was above all else to make him whole. I wanted him to walk away feeling strong. I could take on the pain. I could do for him what I've always wanted someone to do for me.

When he kissed me, I froze. I couldn't move. The life I'd had before this day had been sucked out and I felt dead and unnattractive. I felt useless and worthless - yet somehow I felt something. I was frozen but I knew I wanted more and to protect myself as he had done, I pulled away. That's when I knew. I sat on the floor for an unmeasured span of time and watched him leave with some regret, some pain, and some of what I knew he'd been hiding all along.

I told him later - expressed what my instinct had told me he was feeling. I was right, but I felt no satisfaction. I felt relief I suppose. I no longer felt useless, worthless, or even unnattractive. But I am definitely angry at him for making me feel such things over a false cause.

Perhaps any of you could tell me why we as perfectly solid, mostly sane human beings have the constant tendency to love what hurts us. The love isn't going away. And the hurt isn't going away without love in return. So what is keeping me rooted in this cycle? What keeps me - a person who almost never fails - failing to break free again and again?

I want to hate what he's done. I want to hate him for making me feel like a useless distraction. That's all I am to him after all as he's told me many times - a distraction. That's my identity, instead of the dynamic, gorgeous, intellectual woman another self has known myself to be. That's my purpose in his life, to which I sold myself to be a part. I want to hate him for lying on his college essay. He implies that I don't place academics first as he does but that's the primary reason I broke up with him in the first place - because I knew from reading this essay he hadn't found himself. I knew some part of him was lying and I couldn't continue to be the ignored and undermined voice that portrayed it to him. So why have I now? I guess because I'm done seeing life from my little bubble. I'm done shaking back and forth based on my own subjective priorities. If I am worthless, or useless, or unnattractive, than at least my opinion will speak for itself. At least my voice will be heard. At least I won't be lying - pretending I don't give a shit just to mirror what I thought was his indifference. After all...my gun is loaded. And if I don't shoot it, how the hell is he supposed to hold it?

Lyrics to "9 Crimes":

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If u don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
With you?

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you dont shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?

No...

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgqOSCgc8xc

MIA

Perhaps this blog is dedicated to everything by them...today I am too tired, sleezed, hurt, and bummed out to express all the waves of thought running through my head. Tomorrow I'll tell you why...

"Glamorous" by Fergie

So I'm talking to a friend right now about physical beauty. Apparently it's going to be a topic of discussion in my Anthropology class. Honestly, ever since tenth grade, physical beauty has been of the utmost importance to me. Before then, I guess it was semi-important, increasing as time went on, but not to the extent it is now. I'm paranoid now. It's not that I feel looks are necessarily the most important thing, but they seem more concrete when compared to intelligence and therefore easier to measure and focus on.

In the end, some person's view of gorgeous may be another's view of butt-ugly. I don't know why this is. I don't know what varying factors go into people's perceptions of beauty. I wish I could be invincible and fit everyone's standards but I'm sure I don't. All that matters I guess is that you fit the ones you need to. It's hard to lust after a guy with whom you have no chemistry. At least it's hard for me. That's why I've been protected by heartbreak in the physical sense. In the emotional sense, there's nothing to guard against as most of you well know.

I guess as I open up to writing about this topic more, I'll be able to express my true thoughts. For now, it's a bit of a touchy subject - seeing how much emphasis I place on it in my daily life. Often I believe that looks can get me through doors that they shouldn't. I'm vain to the point that I hate it in myself - to the point that it doesn't help me. I hope that in time, I will come to a place where beauty can be something I admire in myself but not something I crave desperately to have in all its quantity.

Lyrics to "Glamorous":

If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home
You say: If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

[B-Section:]
We flying the first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

[chorus:]
The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous (the glamorous life)
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

[Verse:]
Wear them gold and diamonds rings
All them things don't mean a thing
Chaperons and limousines
Shopping for expensive things
I be on the movie screens
Magazines and bougie scenes
I'm not clean, I'm not pristine
I'm no queen, I'm no machine
I still go to Taco Bell
Drive through, raw as hell
I don't care, I'm still real
No matter how many records I sell
After the show or after the Grammies
I like to go cool out with the family
Sippin', reminiscing on days when I had a Mustang
And now I'm in...

[B-section then chorus]

[Ludacris:]
I'm talking Champagne wishes, caviar dreams
You deserve nothing but all the finer things
Now this whole world has no clue what to do with us
I've got enough money in the bank for the two of us
Plus I gotta keep enough lettuce
To support your shoe fetish
Lifestyles so rich and famous
Robin Leach will get jealous
Half a million for the stones
Taking trips from here to Rome
So If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

[B-section + chorus x2]

[Verse:]
I got problems up to here
I've got people in my ear
Telling me these crazy things
That I don't want to know (fuck y'all)
I've got money in the bank
And I'd really like to thank
All the fans, I'd like to thank
Thank you really though
Cause I remember yesterday
When I dreamt about the days
When I'd rock on MTV, that be really dope
Damn, It's been a long road
And the industry is cold
I'm glad my daddy told me so, he let his daughter know.

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOQvcMLll4E&feature=fvst

"All We Are" by Matt Nathanson

It's funny...those of you who read my last blog will not predict the turn-out of this one...or perhaps you will seeing the tumultuous nature of my life and its decisions. Basically, today was the first day of school. Over the summer, I hadn't talked much to a good friend of mine named Melanie. Like Clementine, Melanie had helped me through many tough situations in the past - ones of which I did not have the strength to deal with alone. However, this summer, I found out that Melanie had been quite obnoxious to our mutual best friend Viola after having brutally insulted an admittedly annoying friend who is clearly clinically mentally ill. These incidents paired together with our lack of communication resulted in an awkwardness that on the first day became unsettling to both of us.

I told Viola that my distancing myself from Melanie was primarily based on my lack of respect for her actions. However, when I was on the subway later, I realized that I have no basis to judge a friend who has consistently stood by me for some relatively minor spurts of immaturity. I called Melanie and made everything up in a few minutes. And somehow her presence reinstated in my life has made my past and future seem less disjunct.

You might be happy to know that soon after this reunion, Clementine chatted me again on Skype and I gave her a similar explanation to the one I gave to Melanie. We made up in a simliar way and everything I said before melted into a vague pool of silliness.

I don't quite know what prompted me to feel that ignoring and distancing myself from these two people was the right thing to do. But I'm glad that I was inspired by my own thoughts, Viola's, and my mom's to forgo that decision. I guess I could have been lazy. I guess awkward. I guess entitled and arrogant is the main thing...stuck inside my own predetermined bubble of morality. I'm just glad I'm out. "All we are we are." Nothing more, nothing less. We have to forgive eachother. People who seem perfect are either lying or not close enough. This realization saved me from losing two of the best friends I have ever had and maybe will ever have. Life gives you room to rethink, retrace and improve. That's why it makes sense to allow others these freedoms as well - free of charge.

Lyrics to "All We Are":

I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Buttons sold like property
Sugar on my tongue

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

I wasted, wasted love for you
Traded out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you never won

'Couse all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

And in the end the words won't matter
'Couse in the end tothing stays the same
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain

'Couse all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, beautiful

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXvMJ2UF4RM

"Apologize" by One Republic

How in an average life-span of 75 years would we be expected to make zero or even few mistakes? Despite what instinct tells us, our emotions often come in the way and we are prone to make a plethora of wrong decisions. This fact leads us to consistently demand forgiveness from not only ourselves but others around us.

I've been in multiple situations where I've felt certain that I deserved a second chance. I was quite sure that I deserved one with Edward and I got it. The countless times I went back to Walden and demanded second and third chances from Connor, I got them as well. You'd think that because of this, I'd be willing to lend out second chances in turn to people who have messed with me. And you know that with Jacob, I have been way to willing. However, when faced with a challenge whether or not to give one to a past close friend named Clementine, I am quite befuddled. Is there a point at which giving a second chance is at best unnecessary and maybe even unwise?

Clementine and I used to have a close, honest, relationship. She'd tell me what she honestly thought about Edward. She opened up to me about her family. I was free to comment on her actions concerning her smoking or even worse, cutting herself. But somehow, last year, this all changed. I found myself wondering how Clementine had shifted from the sweet friend I could trust to a two-faced backstabber who was excellent at turning my closest friends, even Edward indirectly, against me.

I knew she had a problem with lying. I had known this for a while, but I thought, naively, that our friendship reached beyond this problem. When I found out I was wrong, I rightly stopped confiding in Clementine. We would meet occassionally but I knew at least subconsciously that I had to keep my distance. Afterall, whenever I tried to address the dirty situation that lay beneath our working facade, Clementine returned with defensive comments expressing how she sought to remodel her new life and how I was preventing her from doing so.

Honestly, when there are 6 billion people on the planet, out of which I have picked several strong, honest people to be my friends, why am I obligated to keep on trying at Clementine's command to revive our relationship? When she chatted me on Skype today, I know I have the obligation to listen, but to try to reconcile when I'm not even to blame and Clementine can't even remember what she did wrong? That seems vaguely unbalanced. If she values my friendship so much, then she shouldn't have poisoned it. I have plenty of friends who haven't done even an inkling of what she has.

It's not this one action in its entirety that prevents me from wanting to rekindle. It's that Clementine has a survivor personality: She values survival way more than the truth and though she has a facade of being honest and open, I know from countless experience that such facade is false. I do not like to pretend. I do not like to guard myself against someone who was and should be a close friend. As the more honest person in the relationship, I'd be the one "hanging on a rope hanging two feet off the ground." And I don't need to be in that position. There's nothing that can be done when major personality traits or flaws, as the case may be do not match up. As people grow, friendship becomes more of a serious compromise. And knowing this, there are some situations in which it is indeed "too late to apologize".

Lyrics to "Apologize":

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

Bridge (guitar/piano)

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground..

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm0T7_SGee4

"Come Clean" by Hilary Duff

Ok ok...yes I know this song is a ridiculous choice - enough to make you throw up or at least doubt my musical taste which so far I think has been pretty good. But, I can promise you that this has a worthy relevance to my topic.

Basically, today, while at music school registration, I lost of the purple dragon earrings I'd had ever since the summer of 2005. I'd bought them at the store in Keene, NH while at Walden. I'd lost countless pairs of earrings but never those ones...at least not permanently. In fact, this summer, I'd dropped one of the earrings on the beach and a random friend leaving minutes after me in a different group happened to come across the earring, recognize it, and return it to me. They were my magic earrings - the sole pair that I'd had for 4 years escaped my unchanging carelessness. And - today - on this fateful first day back at my epic "home-base", I lost one. Now I couldn't quite fathom how that had happened. How could I have lost my lucky, epic pair of earrings? I'd switched necklaces three major times, in need of a new constant charm to represent me and give me strength. But these earrings had been there throughout all of those times. And now they weren't.

So I was sitting at my cello, feeling depressed. I'd dreamed about interviewing at my dream college wearing these. I planned on taking the ACT and heading to re-meet Jacob and Stewart with them. I wore them for the entirety of my week in Lake Placid! However, while talking out-loud to my mirror about my plans for confronting Jacob, I was smacked in the face with an idea. I went to the empty tea container where I'd stowed my pair-less earring and ripped off the hook and the purple jewel attached. I took the necklace I'd been wearing, removed the charm and replaced it with the hook-less dragon, slipping the wide chain through a break in the design.

This blog is quite different from the rest I've written. I guess my point is to mark the transformation of the dragon earrings as constant but removable pieces of jewelry to a permanent fixture in my life. I like this change. It makes me feel stronger and ready to tackle what comes my way this year. I am ready to "come clean" of my past and charge ahead with force.

Lyrics to "Come Clean":

Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
was my life
I defy

[Chorus:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin

'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind

[Chorus]

I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming...

[Chorus x2]

Let's go back
Back to the beginning

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPnCOySQkH4

"Run This Town" by JayZ feat. Rihanna

So last night/the night before (I promise this won't happen when I'm not on crazy college tours), you heard about my fascination with hip hop and rap music. I actually emailed my best friend from middle school who has always loved this genre of music, constantly making fun of my lack of affinity for it, and asked her to send me her favorites so I could download them and become further enlightened. She sent me about 100. So as it is, I am still downloading.

If you are wondering, noticing my trend to adopt certain cultural elements based on a newfound interest in a guy, Stewart is completely white, british, and probably not a big hip hop listener. My appreciation for this genre stems from my philosophy on music: the best music is that which expresses emotion - clear emotion that either seeps into you and takes over or slaps you right in the face.

I guess I'm going through a bit of a hard time right now. I've clearly fallen for Stewart, as you well know, and I'm into him for what I believe to be the right reasons. I'm feeling the buzz of a potential relationship and the fear involved with this limbo period in between the initial attraction and the continuation of such a connection. However, there is something holding me back - the one reason that makes me glad that Stewart is not acknowledging my presence (albeit online or by text): that would be my lingering feelings for Jacob.

I wish I could be immune in a way to both these people's effects on me. I wish I could resist from wondering constantly why Stewart would express excitement over seeing me in two weeks and then stay out of the loop. I wish I could forget entirely about Jacob's all too toxic presence, never again experiencing seething anger after stalking his wall-to-wall convo with another girl or having "day-mares" about seeing him in the music school hallway.

I guess that's what attracts me to this type of music. It's full of emotion. It's honest and human. However, beneath the emotion, I sense the immense self-control these people have gained through being forced to overcome long-term adversity. Those from this culture have been brought up as survivors and their music reflects it. The reason I chose this particular hit song to be the inspiration for this blog is because of Rihanna's chorus. She recognizes that "life's a game but it's not fair." But she also expresses her ability to surive such adversity because she doesn't play by the "rules".

I feel that by listening to this music and adopting it as part of my own crafted culture, I too can gain the guarded yet human quality it emits. I will be able to feel the intense passion I have always felt for various people or elements in life. However, I might also become immune to the things I cannot change and walk forward strongly and confidently.

Lyrics to "Run This Town":

Feel it comin' in the air
Hear the screams from everywhere
I'm addicted to the thrill
It's a dangerous love affair
Can't be scared when it goes down
Got a problem, tell me now
Only thing that's on my mind
Is who's gonna run this town tonight...
Is who's gonna run this town tonight...
We gonna run this town

[Verse 1 - Jay-Z]

We are
Yeah I said it
We are
This is Roc Nation
Pledge your allegiance
Get y'all fatigues on
All black everything
Black cards, black cars
All black everything
And our girls are blackbirds
Ridin' with they dillingers
I'd get more in Depth
If you boys really real enough
This is la familia
I'll explain later
But for now let me get back to this paper
I'm a couple bands down and I'm tryin' to get back
I gave the other grip, I lost a flip for five stacks
Yeah I'm talkin' five comma
Six zeros
Dot zero
Here it go...
Back to runnin' circles 'round niggas
Now we squared up
Hold up

[Chorus - Rihanna]

Life's a game but it's not fair
I break the rules so I don't care
So I keep doin' my own thing
Walkin' tall against the rain
Victory's within the mile
Almost there, don't give up now
Only thing that's on my mind
Is who's gonna run this town tonight
Heeeey-hey-hey-hey-hey-heyyy
Hey-heyyy-hey-hey-heyy
Heeeey-hey-hey-hey-hey-heyyy
(Is who's gonna run this town tonight)
Hey-hey-hey-heyyy

[Verse 2 - Jay-Z]

We are
Yeah I said it
We are
You can call me Cesar
In a dark Czar
Please follow the lea-der
So Eric B. we are
Microphone fiend
It's the return of thee God
Peace God...
(Auh! Auh! )
And ain't nobody fresher
I'm in Mason
(Ah! )
Martin Margiela
On the tape we're screamin'
Fuck the other side, they jealous
We got a bankhead full of broads(?)
They got a table full of fellas... (?)
And they ain't spending no cake
They should throw they hand in
'Cause they ain't got no spades...
My whole team got dough
So my bankhead is lookin' like millionaire's 'fro

[Chorus - Rihanna]

Life's a game but it's not fair
I break the rules so I don't care
So I keep doin' my own thing
Walkin' tall against the rain
Victory's within the mile
Almost there, don't give up now
Only thing that's on my mind
Is who's gonna run this town tonight
Heeeey-hey-hey-hey-hey-heyyy
Hey-heyyy-hey-hey-heyy
Heeeey-hey-hey-hey-hey-heyyy
(Is who's gonna run this town tonight)
Hey-hey-hey-heyyy

[Verse 3 - Kanye West]

It's crazy how you can go from being Joe Blow
To everybody on your dick, no homo
I bought my whole family whips, no Volvos
Next time I'm in church, please no photos
Police escorts
Everybody passports
This the life that everybody ask for
This a fast life
We are on a crash course
What you think I rap for
To push a fucking RAV4?
But I know that if I stay stun-ting
All these girls only gonna want one thing
I could spend my whole life good will hun-ting
Only good gon' come is as good when I'm cumm-ing
She got a ass that'll swallow up a g-string
And up top, unh...
Two bee stings
And I'm beasting
Off the riesling
And my nigga just made it out the precinct
We give a damn about the drama that your dude bring
I'm just tryin' to change the color on your mood ring
Reebok
Baby
You need to drop some new things
Have you ever had shoes without shoe strings?
What's that 'Ye?
Baby, these heels
Is that a may?
What!
Baby, these wheels
You trippin' when you ain't sippin'
Have a refill
You feelin' like you runnin', huh?
Now you know how we feel

[Outro - Rihanna]

We gonna run this town tonight

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVA-xTBeHyM

(Watch this...It's amazing)

"Knock You Down" by Keri Hilson

I’m writing this blog offline because I’m in Cara’s dorm room and my computer doesn’t have internet. I’m sitting here listening to this song. It’s one of the many I downloaded as a result of my newfound appreciation of rap, hip hop music. Something about those styles expresses a real and raw emotion while maintaining a uniqueness that other genres tend to lose.

I’m a little bit upset. I don’t know why. I guess I haven’t felt these emotions about anyone in a while. Today in the cafeteria, I was showing Cara a text message from Stewart – the sweet one I saved. Accidently, one of us pressed the call button. Though I freaked out and slammed the phone shut, I couldn’t help but wonder if the call went through. I’d been thinking about texting him again anyway to tell him that I’d begun writing the orchestra piece he and Al had inspired me to write. I decided against it without a bunch of thought. But now I felt the need to explain my accidental call in case it did go through and he wondered. So I apologized and informed him about my starting of the piece.

I felt slightly insecure after because I had planned just to wait everything out until I saw him again – especially when he isn’t making an effort to stay in touch with me. However, I was slightly consoled after I realized that the texts I’ve sent him could have been easily sent to a friend and the added nervousness is my unnecessary creation.

So why am I upset? I guess it’s because I’ve really fallen for this guy. He obviously is what I’ve wanted for a long time – what I’ve arguably even needed. And the fact that he doesn’t seem to be pushing this as much as I’m tempted to makes me feel insecure in making assumptions about his present feelings and more importantly about his future ones.

I guess what I have to do, as hard as it may be, is to stop making assumptions. I know that he was interested during the week we were together. He made that rather clear. I’m not really sure if a connection like that can vanish so quickly on one end when on the other it is steadily increasing. Perhaps it can. Perhaps he realized after leaving that I’m not what he really wants. But I guess I can only know once I’m with him again in person.

I wish falling in love wasn’t so painful in the beginning. I guess it’s too late to back out of this situation. My fascination with Stewart is definite and solid at least for the time being. But if it “knocks me down”, I must be prepared to “get back up”. Owning this ability, I can charge into the future with an open mind and a hopeful heart.

Lyrics to "Knock You Down":

Heh, not again
Ohh, this ain't supposed to happen to me

Keep rockin', and keep knockin'
Whether you Louis Vuitton it up or Reebokin'
You see the hate, that they're servin' on a platter
So what we gon' have, dessert or disaster?

I never thought I'd be in love like this
When I look at you my mind goes on a trip
Then you came in, and knocked me on my face
Feels like in I'm a race
But I already won first place

I never thought I'd fall for you as hard as I did
(As hard as I did, yeah)
You got me thinkin' bout our life our house and kids, yeah
Every mornin' I look at you and smile
'Cause boy you came around and you knocked me down
Knocked me down

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

I never thought I'd, hear myself say, ooh, ya'll gon' head
I think I'm gonna kick it wit my girl today, kick it wit my girl today
I used to be commander and chief
Of my pimp ship flyin' high, flyin' high)
Til I met this pretty little missile that shot me out the sky
(Oh shot me out the sky)

Hey, now I'm crashing, don't know how it happened
But I know it feels so damn good
Said if I could back, and make it happen faster
Don't you know I would baby if I could
Miss Independent, ohh, to the fullest, the load never too much
She helpin' me pull it
She shot the bullet that ended that life
I swear to you the pimp in me just died tonight
Girl sometimes love

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

Tell me now can you make it past your Caspers
So we can finally fly off into NASA
You was always the cheerleader of my dreams that
Seem to only date the head of football teams
And I was the class clown that, always kept you laughin'

We, were never meant to be baby we just happen
So please, don't mess up the trick, hey young world I'm the new slick rick
They say I move too quick, but we can't let the moment pass us
Let the hourglass pass right into ashes

Let the wind blow the ash right before my glasses
So I wrote this love letter right before my classes
How could a goddess ask, someone that's only average
For advice, OMG, you listen to that bitch?
Whoa, it's me, baby this is tragic
'Cause we had it, we was magic

I was flyin', now I'm crashin'
This is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson
Now I'm mad, real mad, Joe Jackson
You should leave your boyfriend now, I'mma ask him

Say you gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad
So will u bring a better future than I had in the past
Oh Cause, I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did
I don't wanna fall back on my face again
Whoa, whoa, I'll admit it, I was scared to answer love's call
Whoa, whoa, and if it hits better make it worth the fall
(When it comes around)

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

Won't see it coming when it happens, hey
But when it happens you're gonna feel it, let me tell you now
You see when love knocks you down

Won't see it coming when it happens
But when it happens you're gonna feel it, let me tell you now
You see when love knocks you down
Yeah

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQ6sp3X_LVk