I have spent a large portion of today in bed, crying about my situation. The other part I either spent doing homework, writing songs, or practicing. I went on a run but ended up walking most of it. I came back feeling a lot better. Listening to Matt Nathanson reminded me of all the qualities I am searching for in a guy - qualities Jacob never had.
My mom asked me why I'd been upset. I couldn't tell her. She thought it was because I didn't win. She thought it was because he wasn't as upset as "I thought he'd be (??)". I don't know. I think I was surprised by how upset Jacob was by all of this. I thought he'd be callous and that his nonchalance would give me a spark of anger that would allow me to escape. Instead, his puppy-like sadness made me want to hold him and shield him from his own back-firing pain. Once again I was sucked in. Once again I was spat out without warning. And it hurt to know that in essence I was just a distraction - that in essence I meant nothing.
I loved Jacob but I didn't like him. I needed him but I didn't want him. And now I'm left with excess love and reliance that still has room for genuine like and want to ease in. I have that natural feeling towards Stewart. It's a feeling that with time has the potential to become real love - not love that depends on a virtual idea of a lost soul. If I opened up to Stewart, I feel like I'd be in reliable and good hands. It wouldn't be a one-sided relationship like the ones I've pursued before with people who looked down on relationships, viewing them as useless or even wrong.
Stewart is everything I've wanted - everything that Jacob could never be. Stewart is arrogant but not cocky. He's attractive but doesn't flaunt it. He's warm but also detached enough such that I find him attractive. I know that if I let go of the pain that Jacob caused me and was brave and chill enough to let Stewart in, I'd be happy. I'd be truly happy. I'd feel as if I were in the right place, kind of like I do now when I'm with him. I feel safe. I feel appreciated. And I don't even know him.
You know...my love for Jacob...if reciprocated in the right way would never have ceased. It would never allow me to move on. If Stewart really is who I think he is, maybe it's time to let him in. Maybe it's time to open up to a different horizon that has existed in the backdrop of this stormy sky. Though it seems improbable now, with time, perhaps I can "learn to love again."
Lyrics to "I Will Learn to Love Again":
Drowning in tears that wont be me
I will soon be free from the chains of all this pain inside
And though I cry it wont be long till I regain the strength to know
I can go on
I will find my way through the heart break I will not give up on love
I believe
I will learn to love again I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn to
Learn to love again
All of these tears time will dry them I will survive them
And make it through into another day all of this pain
Time will heal it there’ll be a time sometime I know
I won't feel it
I will live through life without you after the hurting is done
I believe
[Chorus]
I will find someone who deserves my touch after all the hurt is through
I will be so over you I will not give up on love
I believe yeah
[Chorus]
Oh yeah yeah oh oh love again
(To love again...)
Link to Music Video:
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