"All You Wanted" by Michelle Branch

Today was an important day. First because I took my senior pictures. Second because I got hit by a bike while running up the west side highway. Third because I finally decided to do the impossible and instinct my way into a state of further peace. I reconciled, at least on my end, with Jacob. I realized, after some self-reflection that my feelings for Jacob aren't necessary negative. He worked his way into my life as a friend. And then it was partially my doing, despite my instinct's warnings, that it went to the next level. Considering all the pain that I've gone through in order to get myself back on track and make up for my past ignorance, it is natural that my relationship with Jake could and maybe should return to the lax state in which it was originally.

You may be wondering and perhaps you should be why I continue to put up with this jackass. He is indeed a jackass as both of us have repeatedly confirmed. His actions and words are intolerable and they cut me down as you have seen. Yet somehow, the pain I felt as a result of Jacob's actions and words is almost completely detached from the re-defined version of myself that came to life after I returned to my proper path. Because the romantic attachment I had to Jacob was not right and therefore had to be undone, it no longer exists after I retraced my steps. My strong, renewed self has the ability to detach from her personal feelings, reach out, and help a lost soul become whole.

Because that's exactly what he is. He's lost. He's inside himself. And he's trapped because he has grown up in a high achieving environment where living inside yourself is sort of a given. I can't go back and erase the love I've developed for Jacob. But I've realized that it's not the kind of love that I had for Edward, or that I have the potential to develop for Stewart. Those feelings are more direct, more clear and less of a choice. I didn't choose to fall for Stewart. It just happened. I chose to fall for Jacob. And this pure love resulted. I guess the confusion we both went through resulted from my clouded judgment's inability to separate romantic love from the love where you crave for a person's well-being and growth, even when they have many flaws that you may or may not have experienced first-hand.

Jacob's reaction to my change was quite typical of him. He said that "this was bound to happen eventually so I guess my reaction is sort of a 'finally'". Well, I guess in the end, you have to expect a jackass to be a jackass. However, because I'm not dependent on this loser for my happiness, I have little expectations of him. He will be who he will be. I'll just be there, as I should, to witness it, give my commentary, and continue to open his "tunnel vision." Much Ado About Nothing Eh? I guess all this silly guy needs, even though he doesn't realize it, is "someone who cares". I, with my killer instinct, confidence, and self-knowledge, can be that girl. =)

Lyrics to "All You Wanted":

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didnt know that it was so cold
And you needed someone
To show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the tide comes
Id take you away

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
Was somebody who cares

Im sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when youre gone

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
Was somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know Ill be there
Oh, yeah

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
Was somebody who cares

Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when youre gone

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qyOilzLok