"The Call" by Regina Spektor

Dear Jacob,

I guess I just have some things to get out that I can't tell you and can't tell anyone else directly. But they need to be said. For some reason, ever since we've started talking like old times, I've had this ulcer-like feeling in my stomach. My appetite is starting to fade. My nerves are constantly on edge and I constantly feel like my heart is about to pop out into my throat. Ever since that night you called me "dear", I've been slowly melting. When you agreed that the day I broke up with you should be fucked, it didn't exactly help. When you said you needed to get out of your house, it just put ideas into my head - ideas which at this time, just don't seem possible to actuate. You are quite possibly subconsciously leading me on an adventure I didn't choose to embark upon - one that chose me instead.

I know we have the rest of our lives ahead of us, Jacob. And I know so much has happened - a lot of which I've emoted in this blog. But the truth is, we can't keep making arguments against the blaring evidence I'm about to describe without knowing underneath that we are lying. We can say all we want to avoid what life deemed for us as inevitable. I mean seriously? We only have 6 months. How could rekindling an "ended" relationship be worth it in that time. Why feel uncomfortable in regards to your parents and your upbringing and culture if it's not worthwhile? Why should I put myself through more pain again when I could just cut off and pretend it doesn't exist? Well. The answer, unfortunately for both of our cases, is quite simple. The feelings we both have just won't accept these claims. Both you and I are good at hiding feelings from ourselves and pretending they don't exist. But after every little inkling of denial has been counted up to this point, it's getting to the point where it's becoming unbearable. My heart can hardly contain it and it's not because I'm crazy. It's because ever since July I have felt the bulk of this situation and I can't deny that it's the wrongest thing I have ever witnessed - two people who are without a doubt meant to be together acting like complete idiots and searching for ways all around to world to deny such a fact. It's abominable! That's why I've been waiting all day to ask you to get your ass over here and I will wait as long as I need to because there is no way in hell that I can make peace with myself in this sorry state.

Though you've never been able to say it to my face, on AIM you always say, "Shit happened. It's time to move on." Perhaps in most cases, this is a rule to live by. But if that is so, this is an exception. For too long have we been looping back for a reason we've been too afraid to coin. When you're involved, there's "no need to say goodbye."

Lyrics to: "The Call":

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it, too
Doesn't means that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

Link to YouTube Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgUL3ut4gyQ

"If Everyone Cared" by Nickelback

I say I hate her. I say I want to kill her. All these things I say and most likely mean at the time. However, no temporary situation can squelch the love in my heart for all with whom I relate. If I get to know someone, regardless of the means through which I do it, I always end up seeing inside them. I always end up relating to their emotions and feeling them through my own lens. After I have done this, I cannot help but love the admirable side of them and downplay the other dimensions.

Her in the most recent case is a girl named Elsie. We met because she was into Jacob and I was feeling, as usual, quite territorial. It's been a rocky road since our meeting. She and I would pretend above all else to love each other but the unspoken rivalry between us and her questionable treatment of my friends often made this act difficult to pull off. However, the truth is, I like her. As I've seen in many cases, it is very hard to dislike a fellow musician, even if she is attempting to steal the partial love of your life. Musicians are all formed from a similar passion that links us inevitably together.

The more complex forgiveness that I have repeatedly undergone is more deeply rooted in my psyche. My friends both marvel and criticize my ability to completely atone those who have done me wrong. Those who heard me cry and curse over Edward now wonder why I bashfully tear at the thought of his and my future reunion. Perhaps this aren't so hard to fathom. Edward we all know is hardly a bad person and time can heal the scars of awkward misunderstandings caused by immaturity.

What people tend less to understand is my perpetual willingness to see Jacob for more than his flaws, looking past his harsh and insecure denial to focus merely on the truth. How and why do I do this? I'm not quite sure. At first I thought it was my desire to control him. Then I thought it was merely the fact that he is unforgettably attractive to me. But neither seems to be the cause. I honestly feel that my continual forgiveness of Jacob comes from the fact that I understand him. I can look beyond his treatment of me to see him as an insecure and growing person who I refuse to believe cannot change. I do not know where I gained the heart and maturity to do this. All I know is that forgiveness gives me a flexible power that instead of demeaning me as others might say, gives me confidence. It allows me to view everyone as a work in progress instead of drawing a somewhat arbitrary and final line between assholes and angels. It allows me to fully believe in the potential existence of a world where "everyone cared."

Lyrics to "If Everyone Cared":
From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive

[Chorus:]
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singing

Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
(I'm alive)

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOwJSpt2m_w

[Chorus x2]

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...

[Chorus]

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died

"Disturbia" by Rihanna

Yes. "My mind's in disturbia." They all say that once you get into college, you can stop working. It doesn't matter anymore. The future is set. Schoolwork becomes a choice as opposed to an obligation. However, these people are clearly generalizing. They have forgotten the horrific right that colleges have to rescind a student whose grades sufficiently lack. Now - my college couldn't have possibly accepted me based on my grades. They got passed my lacking grades in the math and science areas to see the qualities I had to offer. However, if my grades in senior year are lacking below an 80 that is, they have every right to doubt my performance in college. Perhaps their doubts would be different from the truth but I still have every reason to fear for my grades. My math and science ones aren't looking to hot. Granted I will study hard for the final exams but a future opportunity cannot still the aching pain and worry that rushes through my anxious body. Keeping my math and science grades at a minimal 80 will be a struggle that will not allow me to breathe securely until February, though as we all know, I will not fully breathe securely until I am at college - and maybe not even then.

Perhaps my worry is healthy and will motivate me to work harder and beast the upcoming finals. However, with deeper thought, I traced this "disease of the mind" back to something that is totally unrelated to school:

I just cannot believe that I will be attending my top choice college - the one that has always been the bud of my dreams subconsciously before consciously - the one that I can comfortably call my home - the one where Edward is. I just cannot wrap my head around this supposed truth. If it is indeed as true as others tell me and as I have seen multiple times with my own eyes, than it can only be a fairytale. Sadie tells me to believe it and not think of it as a fairytale. It would be wise to take her advice but I can't help being overwhelmed by the momentousness of it all.

I, being an inherent drama queen who takes every opportunity in which she cares to shadow it with worry, cannot rid my mind of disturbia. Perhaps I shall in the coming days when my math scores improve. I can only sit tight, hope, and beast the finals. It seems mundane and useless but with my future still on the line regardless of common ED acceptance myths, it can only be described as practical and thusly necessary.

Lyrics to "Disturbia":

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now

No more gas in the rig
Can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said
Can't even speak about it
All my life on my head
Don't want to think about it
Feels like I'm going insane
Yeah

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort

Throw on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

Faded pictures on the wall
It's like they talkin' to me
Disconnectin' your call
Your phone don't even ring
I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
I feel like a monster

Throw on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

Release me from this curse I'm in
Trying to maintain
But I'm struggling
You can't go, go, go
I think I'm going to oh, oh, oh

Throw on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1mU6h4Xdxc

"Can't Go Back Now" by The Weepies

This is a time full of angst, insecurity, and heartache as I and many of my close friends wait tirelessly for the one letter, email, or online post that determines our future paths. The work piled on from school and music school has prevented me for days from writing this blog. Now, as we have reached the "deep breath before the plunge," as Gandalf would say, I feel I must somehow depict my view of the current situation.

There is one school - the one that Jacob, Miranda and Drake all applied to - that reeled in 45 EA applicants from my high school. They are living in the midst of a hazy double standard. They all expect to be one of the select few that this college chooses to be amongst their student body, at the same time knowing that their chances are very bleak as a result of such tantalizing competition. Miranda loses sleep, freaks out, becomes impatient. Drake hopes while simultaneously putting himself down low in order to cushion what he believes is a likely fall. Jacob, as one might expect, detaches himself completely - saying that worrying is pointless. Meanwhile, I know he is worried out of his mind. But that's besides the point. If Jacob were truly in sync with his claims, he would be sporting the right attitude - the one we should all be striving for - the one I feel that to some extent I have achieved.

I applied to my top choice college because I could truly not imagine myself at any other place. Though not having been there for longer than a few weeks, I could call the place my home. Its undeniable place in my future, as my instinct would confirm, washed over me to the point that I had no doubt that I must apply Early Decision. Believe it or not, this had nothing to do with the fact that Edward attends the school. Of course, back in February, even before Edward was accepted, I knew that I would inevitably end up at that school. However, that vision existed on a different plane. The plane I'm on now is more in sync with the reality in which we all live. And this plane is not conducive to such a surreal type of confidence. It is open to the possibility of rejection and deferral in the light of those who are applying alongside me and have different but equally competent qualifications.

I will be informed of this college's place in my future in the coming days. Perhaps I am nervous that someone else with higher grades or more national recognition for their talents will deprive me of my spot. However, my overwhelming confidence that this school will see the way in which I shine for them and in general shields me from this worry. I am not losing sleep. I am not even phased out. I expect to become a part of this artsy, avant-garde student body. I have done everything I can to maximize the odds of my acceptance. As I say to all who struggle in the face of the unknown, we "Can't Go Back Now."

Lyrics to "Can't Go Back Now":

Yesterday when you were young
Everything you needed done was done for you
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone, what can you do?

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

You know there will be days
When you're so tired
That you can't take another step
The night will have no stars
And you'll think you've gone as far
As you will ever get

You and me wak on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

And yeah, yeah, you go where you want to go
Yeah, yeah, be what you want to be
If you ever turn around, you'll see me

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
Yeah, you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JscAwVu2QI

"Invisible" by Taylor Swift

I guess everyone feels Invisible at times. It's a large world out there and everyone, at least in a wide crowd, tends to blend in. In many cases, I have avoided such problem. My personality is loud and bouncy. I look rather unique. The hobbies I engage in are slightly atypical. However, as I've gotten older and joined the mix of teenage girls searching for love and companionship, I've started to realize how invisible I really am. I am no more than a victim of my circumstances. I can only choose from the selection of people that life has conveniently placed before me. I cannot breach these boundaries. I am breathtaking to some and just a pretty face to others. What's especially hard to fathom is how I could be breathtaking to someone for a period of time and then become just a pretty face without any explanation.

It's funny wondering how exactly I will make a mark on this world when there are millions of people simultaneously wondering the same thing. We are all invisible to some extent. To some men, colleges, and business owners, we will all be that girl walking down the hallway, hopelessly wishes they'd turn our way. But to the right men, colleges and business owners, we will not be. It takes work to stand out. Hard core work. That is why this blog is short because my top choice college will be coming out with its decision soon. If my first quarter grades aren't solid, there'll be a problem. So I must go study. Thanks to Taylor for cheering me up.

Lyrics to "Invisible":

She can’t see the way your eyes light up when you smile
She’ll never notice how you stop and stare whenever she walks by
And you can’t see me wantin you the way you want her
But you are everything to me

[Chorus:]
And I just wanna show you
She don’t even know you
She's never gonna love you like I want to
You just see right through me but if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable instead of just invisible

There’s a fire inside of you that can’t help but shine through
She’s never gonna see the light
No matter what you do
And all I think about is how to make you think of me
And everything that we could be

[Chorus]

Like shadows in a faded light
Oh we’re Invisible
I just wanna look in your eyes and make you realize

I just wanna show you she don’t even know you
Baby let me love you let me want you
You just see right through me
But if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable instead of just invisible

She can’t see the way your eyes light up when you smile

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsGIovS0N3E

"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

When I first heard this song, I didn't find it particularly captivating. I knew I should and that in the future I would. Anya loved it. She told me she listened to it nonstop. I found myself wondering why it hadn't made me stop in my tracks the first time. However, recently, when perusing YouTube and Dilandau.com, I had a sudden impulse to download it. It's been in my head ever since.

They say that true love only happens once. But to me, it's happened twice - at least in the way that it happens to anyone. What is love anyway? A disproportional care for someone such that you're willing to give up your own short-term happiness in hopes to achieve a long-term one with him? A intense variation of attraction that gives you shivers by the mere memory of a smile? Perhaps these things are involved, but what love really is is gravity. It's that inevitable pull that ties you to the person in question, bringing you back to them even when your feet, mind and even spirit have carried you far away. I've had this feeling twice, obviously - about Edward first, then Jacob. My conscience, in relation to my own well-being was telling me to move on. My instinct professed the opposite. And denying it only led to more pain.

I see Jacob in the hallway. Even with those ridiculous shorts that he wears in the middle of November, he is beautiful. His hair with its perfect curls shapes the lovely contours of his head. His eyes may be brown, but with the way they shine, they might as well be green. His skin, milky and smooth emits a light that hits me from yards away. The sound of his presence in the room is too loud to ignore, no matter how many mental ear plugs I expend in vain.

Feeling this way, it is impossible for me to pretend otherwise. I have tried. I have tried more times perhaps than I have with Edward and I have failed every time. So I'm going to try something new. I am going to surrender to his gravity in the time we have left. I am going to give him my full soul. Like I did with my application to my top choice college, I will hold nothing back. This is meant to happen and I know it. Therefore I must chill and let the pain pass as it will. Love is gravity. And I am in love.

Lyrics to "Gravity":

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3mKQT08_rk

"You're Not Sorry" by Taylor Swift

He chatted me last night. He used commenting on my AIM status as an excuse. But Jacob doesn't care for exhibitionist AIM statuses in any shape or form. He wanted to talk to me and he succeeded. I guess I was taken aback at first but once I got used to his flashing green icon lighting up my screen, I asked him to send me music. He kept the links coming, pasting them mechanically into the chat window. Some of them caught my ears, such as Kashmir by Led Zeppelin and Optimistic by Radiohead, that he particularly liked. We mentioned nothing about the relationship or about his motives in chatting me. I already knew, of course. He wants the pieces out of me but will not admit it. He didn't even know it when he rejected my proposal but he cannot bear the fact that I'm actually okay with his absence from my life. It reminds me of when he described the feelings he felt for me in the beginning but could not piece them together to just simply define it as "liking." He has not ever analyzed the emotions he feels so he cannot express them or apply them to a conventional setting. And I'm no longer there to do that for him.

The sad thing is: I still have feelings for Jacob. I still sometimes fantasize about the future we could have had if he'd opened up to his own desires. The impulses are sometimes so strong that it "makes me wonder" as our favorite song "Stairway to Heaven" by Led would say, if the future won't re-merge our paths. But then I realize, as good old Taylor would say, that Jacob is not sorry for what he has done. He may want me. He may want the awkwardness to go away. He might not know, as I do, what he wants. But he doesn't want to apologize and until he does, there is no future for me and him. You see, there have been situations in my life - with Edward mainly, when both of us were to blame. Our apologies or lack thereof cancel each other out. However, with Jacob, if he strives to be my friend again without apologizing for his awful actions, giving in is giving myself another blow to the head. As I knew but wouldn't accept before I turned to him again, is that the best way to teach him a lesson is to stop trying to teach him lessons - to walk away and let him wallow in his own regret. That's not to say I won't accept him if he comes with a sincere apology.

As for now, Jacob is just grasping for control. He cannot accept the fact that he has lost and landed himself in an awkward situation that puts a dent in his whole "move through life without a care" philosophy. Well it seems like my departure may give him motivation to care. Either that, or he's not worth my care at all. Ah the paradoxes of life. I'm going to have to go with Taylor on this one.

Lyrics to "You're Not Sorry":

All this time I was wasting,
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

Looking so innocent,
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no, oh

You're not sorry no no oh

You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

You're not sorry, no no oh

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s3GUZiY39Y

"Better Days" by The Goo Goo Dolls

It's been a while since I've written. The term "daily blog" seems to have taken quite a flexible meaning lately. However, now that my life is a bit back in order for a moment, I shall take the time to resume. I'm not really sure what to say or how my present situation relates back to this song. I'm lost in a series of unknowns right now, but yet I know exactly where I need to be. The epic feel of this year is too great at this point for me to express it. Perhaps music could, but my songs are even failing to convey the immense emotion that spreads across my world, changing its previous state. I will let this song speak for itself. I will let my life play out as it's meant to. I will charge forward with confidence and I will take this year head on. It's finally time to begin.

Lyrics to "Better Days":

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child who saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wOLQDAgiy4

"Blank Wall" by Kerani (Me)

I wanted to change them. I wanted to open them up to the beauties of the world that they'd always been in the habit of bobbing through. Edward and Jacob were both my projects so to speak. I loved them both momentously but I loved them mostly through the lens of trying to bring them out or trying to help them reach their true potential as emotional human beings. Part of me genuinely longed to be connected with them. I constantly sought to make them whole and felt that in the process I could feel complete myself. Both times I was wrong. I did not make Jacob or Edward any more whole than they were to start with and I only ended up walking away empty handed.

I wrote this song the first time after I walked away from Edward. My subconscious clearly knew that he wasn't going to budge, but my heart kept hoping. Jacob knew the song well. He'd added some chord progressions to it long ago so that the song would modulate. He always said he never paid attention to the words, but he recently referenced them in hopes to persuade me to give up on him. "I'm a blank wall," he said. "There's nothing to get to know."

I realized that the similar catastrophic endings of my relationships with Jacob and Edward come from a similar thread in my personality. I search for people whom I believe I can fix. Much of my self-worth comes from my belief that I can make such loners whole. I prize myself on having an inherent ability to reach inside and plant some of my security into their inexperienced vaults. However, things never go as I plan, partially because people who do not wish to open up often are content with their condition. They do not like to be pushed against their will and often become defensive in the process. I set myself up for the hurtful repercussions of their defensiveness by refusing to give up on their changeability until they explode and I am forced by the inkling of sensibility I have to cut off all ties.

I often think of the loss of such struggles as failures. However, today, I came to a different conclusion. My goal in transforming these people from stolid zombies into emotionally expressive human beings often is not involved with my own happiness. I am constantly aware that I will have to go through pain to improve the situations of these people. So when Edward and Jacob blew up and released their anger on me, I was in fact accomplishing my goal. My happiness was never part of the equation and I'd accepted that fact. Edward and Jacob's anger and annoyance were clear indications of their emotional responses to me and my escapades. As my current AIM status states, "a blank wall moved through annoyance is still a blank wall moved." I did not receive any personal gain apart from knowledge at the end of such travails. However, I did accomplish my goals by cracking two blank walls, allowing them to experience their own anger, setting the ground for the recognition of emotions in general.

It is this realization that through stress and strife keeps me "standing tall."

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2cTFFOOl5A

"Suddenly I See" by K.T. Tunstall

Miranda and I are in the midst of a philosophical discussion. I told her that I feel my life has just taken off from the runway. I am starting to become more and more responsible for my life. I feel like a separate entity from everything I've been in the past. I have a clear purpose and a clear direction in which I want my life and my aspirations to go.

I've realized recently, looking back on my interactions with Jacob and Edward that I can handle anything. I am strong enough to take any pain that's thrown at me and separate it from my self-esteem and my overall identity. Everyone, including Jacob himself, wonders why I have not freed myself of his influence and moved on to brighter possibilities. The answer on my end is simple. His actions against me are separate from his soul. I love his soul with a passion that cannot be unbroken. This love is separate from my short-term well-being. If I am able to take any pain and handle any consequence, I might as well use this power to my advantage. I might as well use the time I have to help him grow. They all say that one person is incapable of changing another. Until I have attempted and failed for the entirety of my life, I will not accept this potential falsehood.

When Jacob asked me today if a lot of people I know analyze people like I do, I answered truthfully, "Nope." Most people do not have the interest or the desire to invest so much energy to such a prospect. I cannot trace the origin of this passion and ability within me, but I know, as I told Jake, that it has been helpful. It convinced Josie to break up with her boyfriend who she had been uselessly sticking with as a comfort for years. It convinced Drake to begin to open up his mind and heart to the world. I watched proudly as the change in him began to show. I do not know why Jacob is so much more of an ordeal. Perhaps because my emotions are so blatantly tied to the situation. I was consistently unable to follow my instinct because my imminent needs got in the way.

However, now that I have through practice acquired the ability to act based on instinct in spite of my imminent needs, my abilities as a psychic analyzer have been magnified. "Suddenly I see, this is what I [am meant] to be". My unbreakable strength paired with my ability to see through people allows me to fix things that need to be fixed and change things that need to be changed.

Jacob once said to me, "Meeting you and the growth I experienced afterwards will be one of the most important things that ever happened to me. I'm sure many others will feel the same way about you; you really influence others' lives."

If that has been the case, then it continues to be regardless of Jacob's present but weakening denial. Hopefully by the end of this year, when Jacob and I are both happy and reformed, I will realize "why the hell it means so much to me."

Lyrics to "Suddenly I See":

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tlU-1u1JC8

"This Time" by Vanessa Carlton

"He's totally into you," Sadie said, talking about Jacob. She tends to be right. I wouldn't have fully recognized my current situation had it not been for her impeccable analysis that I cited in an earlier blog and confirmed in a following one. Miranda agreed. She tends to be right as well. However, both these girls were there for my Edward drama and they said the same thing. My Edward drama blew up as a failure. We'd had a connection but it got to the point at which our communication was so dysfunctional that we did not truly know who the other person was anymore.

Had it not been for last night's phone conversation, Jake and I would be in a similar situation. Thankfully, there is an important difference between the two situations. I didn't make out with Edward. If I had, perhaps he would have broken his shell as he did for a minute after we kissed for the first time. Or perhaps the dynamic wouldn't have clicked for either of us. Eventually, I will find out a variation of which would have been the case. However, all I know now is that my situation with Jacob has a lot more promise than the one I had with Edward. The dynamic between Jacob and I could not be better. It's perfect. And both of us know it. That is what makes the emotional component so hard. Our perfect dynamic continues to pull us both back. I accept this fact and he denies it desperately. Last night on the phone, he stopped denying but our situation is still full of unknowns.

Many people wonder why in the universe I'd keep subjecting myself to the pain that Jacob has continually fed me. Jacob wonders this himself it seems. But I don't wonder. The truth is, no matter what happens between Jacob and me, our natural dynamic will remain the same. We are meant to be together. My instinct has finally pointed me in the right direction. His continues to be clouded. Everyone tells me that I do not have the capability to change Jacob. No matter how much of myself I give to him, he will continue to be the same. But for some reason, I cannot ignore the instinct to keep giving. I am and have always been strong enough to take anything. Backing down has never been an option. When a deviation from instinct has caused me pain, I have consistently been strong enough to wrench myself back on track. Now I am back on track. The difference is I must wrench Jacob back on track along with me.

Why am I willing to do this? Why is Jacob's happiness and self-knowledge so important to me? I have a chance for a better life - a life that doesn't involve constant pain and insecurity. But I cannot choose that life, for I only have one year to make a difference in this world and giving in to my own potential happiness is not the way to do it. This future with Jacob, regardless of the intensity of the pain and the emotion to which I am bound to be subjected, is my future. It is the future I have chosen and it is the future that lies along my instinct's path. Denying it would be denying my ability to make a change in the world and in the life of someone who I love more than I loved Edward - more than I've loved any guy.

Say I take the risk and nothing comes of it. Then I will have tried my hardest and failed knowing that I left nothing to regret. Say I take the risk and everything comes of it. Then the only thing I will regret will be the split Jacob and I will inevitably be forced to make at the end of the year. And that is beyond my control. It's time I take charge of what I can control and make a difference. After all, "This Time", I can handle it.

Lyrics to "This Time":

It's 4 a.m. and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
A flickering of all of my mistakes
And as the light starts creeping in
I slowly feel
The day I'm missing
But I wouldn't even know where to begin

Do I push to hard?
Or fall to fast?
The moment never seems to last
Will I stop long enough to know

Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away,
This time

Your words circle in my head
Weigh so heavy on my chest
And I'm crushed by your expectation
I only want to do some good
Too dumb to know if I could
And I just wanna feel the days I'm in

Do I go to far,
Not far enough?
Why can't I keep my big mouth shut?
And do we lead the life that we should?

Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away,
This time

Did I say to much again?
I'm just a girl in a panic
If I tell you my truth
Am I getting through?
It just seems I should confess
Who am I to pretend
This is more than I can carry

Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I hold my head up high
I know I'll be alright
This time
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away
This time
This time,
This time
This time,
This time

It's 4 am and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
It's times like these I see your face

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJsmr_ZlvS8&feature=PlayList&p=9E6A814D94E899E7&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=16

"My Immortal" by Evanescence

You know that if I write a blog about my hopes for resolution with Jacob, the next one is going to be a blog filled with pain and misery. I just wasted that beautiful song on this heartless blank wall. His cold words shattered its flowing simplicity.

I'd been excited about the power and reliable accuracy of my instinct. It has allowed me to analyze even the most complicated people so precisely that even they themselves are shocked. But now I see that just because I follow my instinct doesn't mean that other people follow theirs. My instinct is only valuable in relation to myself and my knowledge. In terms of situations, it cannot control or overpower the misguided choices of other people. Just because my instinct allows me to choose the right path does not mean that other people involved will do the same.

"I don't know why I can't tell you to get away from me," he exclaimed incredulously. The fireworks were sounded and the rain was beating down upon Nathanson, the sidewalk, and our heads. I knew why, but I didn't tell him. His instinct is no more than fear. His fear clouds his knowledge of the right path even though the right path haunts him, every month to no end.

"I just don't like you THAT -" (much). He stopped himself and told a milder lie..."way" I believe was the word. I couldn't have cared less. My instinct may not be able to power a situation but it can sift through lies of which Jacob was spewing at me at a rate of about 50 miles per minute.

"I'm such a bad person. Why do you still like me?" Do I like him? Really? No. I could if he opened up his real self but instead, I as of now, I just love him. Simply and plainly. I love him and I love the pain he causes me. It does nothing but suck the life out of me, but it does everything to improve my instinct and teach me about this tortured world in which we live, or at least in which I do. I love his mind. I love his hair and the way we make out. I love his closed persona that I long to open up. And I am too strong to back away from the pain he causes me in multitudes. It's like the blister on my heel caused by those beautiful red flats I was wearing: If I walk long enough, I forget the pain until the next time I put it on.

"I got bored of talking to you." Really? Cause I've always been told I was interesting. Edward and I had that conversation. I may be many things, but I am not boring. If I were truly boring to Jacob, it would be entirely his misjudgment. However, this is not the case. He is drowning helplessly in his futile attempts to come up with an excuse to hide the one emotion that's preventing all that is right from happening:

Fear. Cold, blatant, fear - fear of pressure, fear of commitment, fear of judgment, fear of insecurity. That's all that is responsible for Jacob's lack of perspective in this situation: Fear. I couldn't find the words to tell him, but if he reads this, he will agree. In moments of enlightenment, he has seen it himself. These realizations are followed by hope on my end - hope that the situation will grow into its rightful path. The next day however, I wake up to find that Jacob has elapsed back into his perpetual rut of fear. If I am not the one to break it, no one will. No one will be strong or crazy enough to fight this hard for someone who doesn't even care that I'm fighting.

"I know you're happy now, but I know I could make you happier."

"Oh really?"

Yes, Jacob. Really.

Lyrics to "My Immortal":

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb8SewYkjds&feature=PlayList&p=235E227ACDB81EA3&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=4

"Falling Slowly" from the movie "Once"

It's funny. I was going to use this song a while back I think. My fascination with it began on the last day of the summer program I attended at my top choice college. We were packing. None of us wanted to leave. This song was playing on my friend's loudspeaker. I'd had it on my iPod for a while but hadn't listened. But that soon changed.

I can't believe I'm writing this blog now. I never thought I would. I thought I was doing fine - following my instinct, letting it take me to new shores, new people and a new life. However, when I started getting closer to fulfilling a defining part of this new life, I started to back away. I can't fully tell you why. I like the guy. He seems cool and nice and awesome. If it had been another time in our lives, I know for sure that we would have gone out and been really happy. However, at this time, my instinct just isn't pushing for it. I don't have the strength to go after him. He isn't moving quickly enough towards me and even if he were, I wouldn't have the strength to respond. Nothing has happened that's concrete enough to make my backing away a moral issue. I just am astounded because I have never been the one to back away. I'm always the one to push. Now I'm finding myself at a different stage of life: more mature, jaded and full of perspective.

It is my instinct that has given me this perspective - the same instinct that has guided me consistently for the past few months. It is this instinct that has prevented me from concretely acting on this connection I have - because I know see that it's not the path I'm meant to take.

Over the summer, while at my top choice school, I made a silly mistake. I broke up with my boyfriend for no reason other than the fact that I was restless. The spiteful battles of anger that ensued after were a result of our hurt and dislike for the current situation. None of it was supposed to happen. In going against instinct, I harmed myself and him and the dynamic of our relationship. It was in essence a working relationship between two immature people. It turned into a bitter fight and the immaturity sent it way over the edge. The reason I cannot move on with my life is because I am not meant to. You can say that he is preventing me from leading a lovely new life with lovely new people and a new hope. But in fact, my feelings for him are the blame and I know now that they are not and are not meant to go away.

So why did I choose this song? I know why. I'm not ready to share it because of the immense impact this decision has on my life. But you might be able to decipher. What I will say is that life is short - too short to hold grudges, too short to shun people you love for little reason at all, too short to force the expelling of feelings that are not meant to be expelled. This year is important to me. Of all the many ways in which I could spend it, my instinct is pointing towards one. And it is right. Life is too short not to rethink. And there's "still time" to do so, but not much so it's time I "take this sunken boat and point it home."

Lyrics to "Falling Slowly":

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc

"Fall to Pieces" by Matt Nathanson

There are some things that occur in my life that would surely make me "fall to pieces." Not getting into my top choice school that I applied to today would do the job easily. Not getting my album recorded by the end of the year would be a downer as well.

Today was a tumultuous day for me. I applied to a huge arts competition. Everything was a catastrophe but I finally submitted it even though the Fed-Ex people were very clear about the dangers of sending a package past 8 pm. Apparently, the lady who picks the packages up is vicious and lashes out profusely at late-comers. I could see the fear in their faces as they described her demeanor.

This competition is a big deal to me. I can't say I would "fall to pieces" if I didn't win. For music competition, judging is subjective. I know I'm at a high enough level to be a good candidate for the grand prize. However, I could never be sure that they would choose me over someone like him, who is equally qualified. He was the one who told me about this competition last year before we got close and vulnerable and hurt. Applying, for some reason, brought me back to where I was when he brought himself and the idea of this competition into the picture. There was so much hope and potential. It got shattered by our immaturities that I feel have petered out at least to some extent.

I've been trying for months to ignore his existence or at least come to peace with it through a variety of round-a-bout ways. None of them have worked. I still have that unquenchable emotion of pure love that creeps in like an evening sunset as a backdrop to all of my contradicting plans. I see my year flash before me. I see myself leave to the Midwest having left things the same with him as they are now. It doesn't feel right - to leave myself unable to give him a proper goodbye. I know this and my instinct knows it as well. It is the only explanation for the pain that I feel when seeing him walk through the halls. It is the only explanation for the gut-wrenching choking emotion I feel when he looks at me.

I'm not saying he was perfect. He has issues. I had issues as well. But what am I supposed to do? Leave my feelings for him in the dust, saying "You have issues and therefore you are not good for me?" Yes that's what self-help books and many people would tell me to do. But my instinct has been nagging at me for way too long. I am trying to go against it but all I am doing is making things more difficult for myself. He may be dangerous. I may get hurt. But it's hurt for someone who knows me - for someone who is and has long been worthwhile. Tell me I am crazy. I am. I have always been crazy and you all know it. But I cannot leave this portion of my life with a chock-full of regret backing me up. My instinct has spoken. And I am prepared to listen. This is my path. It may not be the easiest, but it's the one I am meant to follow and I will follow it best I can. I would "fall to pieces if you never came back".

Lyrics to "Fall to Pieces":

So I wear you out...
So who would've thought that you'd still be here now

And I swore dear
That I never
Wanted to be
Any better
Than your weakest moment

Now
Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back?
Tear it all apart
Til there was nothing left
Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back...
Spent so long waiting here

This was all sweet once
When I was fingertips and innocence

And too scared to
Let go I had my
Arms thread through
The pretty holes
Of your most romantic line

Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back?
Tear it all apart
Til there was nothing left
Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back
Spent so long waiting here

And I've watched them all move through you
Yeah, I've watched them all let you down.

It's do you
And don't you
Cause I won't forget you
You filled me with nothing
It felt so good
It'll all come out some day

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-_sIdan4eI&feature=PlayList&p=D167393AB9FF4FCB&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=37

"Fearless" by Taylor Swift

I have a lot of things to say, but first, I will fill you in on yesterday's decree. It was a good day. It started out miserable and confusing but ended up being wonderful. I wore no makeup yesterday - a positive decision because everyone could see my eyes' true color. I was wearing all purple except for my pants, which were black corduroys.

Walking into chorus, I felt a strange feeling pass over me. Something felt amiss. I had seen Stewart, but something didn't register. It's as if I didn't care even though my waking mind knew on some level that I did. My friend Sadie was standing next to me in the alto section. I described to her my dilemma and her analysis was something that all of you have probably seen all along but to which I had been blind.

She said that I was the problem. It wasn't him. It wasn't his feelings, which are clearly there. It's mine. My feelings for Stewart, in her opinion, had been more of a fact and less an emotion. I just didn't have enough will to make something start. I like him, yes, but it wasn't enough. Class ended and we took the elevator up to the 5th floor. He would never hurt me, she said. There are no cons in terms of my going out with him or taking the situation to the next level. But why should I do it if my heart isn't all into it, she wondered. Won't I just end up more confused?

She was right. The more I thought about Sadie's analysis, the more I realized that I was the problem. Stewart wished me happy birthday four times. He's interested in my life. The sparkle in his eyes show his true feelings. It's me that sends the wrong messages. I talk about him in my blog - to my friends occasionally. But I can't bring myself to treat him as any more than a friend. Sure he knows I'm interested in knowing about him and including him in my life - at least he should know. But he doesn't know that I'm interested on a higher level. I've given no indication. By treating his signs as natural, almost negligible occurrences, I've put myself out as a flirtatious but noncommittal girl who may be interested but not to a significant level. He might know I'm interested from another source, but even then, the signs aren't matching up.

Tantalized by this philosophy and other harsh external factors, my day was quite the mess. However, at studio class, things began to change. He approached me after class and asked how my orchestra piece was coming along. I looked him in the eye and told him it was going well. I left Juilliard a few minutes later. My mom and I went across the street to get some food. It was pouring and I didn't have a jacket - just the purple cotton shrug that served as a horrible absorber of water. As soon as we left the cafe, I had a feeling I was going to see him. The thunder rolled and the sky emitted a sharp ray of cornflower light. My mom and I were laughing. I glanced across the crosswalk and there he was. He had a black umbrella and he approached me on my side of the crosswalk. I stared at him, frozen, and he smiled, waved, and whispered hi. It was a closed smile at first. But then I said "hey", in a tone probably to incredulous for my own good. He smiled bigger now, saw my mom, glanced down still smiling and kept walking.

It started to pour. Gushes of water plummeted harshly on my barely covered shoulders. When we got into the cab, I texted him, "blaming" him and our encounter for the drenched and sorry state of my clothes and possessions. He texted back saying that I was to blame too.

I started to realize the gravity of my contribution to the stagnancy of the relationship. I don't know him. I never knew him. I still don't. The only way for me to move forward in my head and with him is to start. And it's my move. It's my turn to shuffle the cards and ask him to hang out. Only then can I know. What's so heady about coffee anyway? This epiphany, paired with the rain, washed me clear of the past I'd been so heavily caught up in. It was time to move forward. It was time for me, "in a storm in my best dress" to be "fearless."

Lyrics to "Fearless":

There's somethin' 'bout the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement
Walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah
Oh yeah

We're drivin' down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

So baby drive slow
'til we run out of road in this one horse town
I wanna stay right here in this passenger's seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture it, remember it

Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Well you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss,
It's flawless,
Really something,
It's fearless.

Oh yeah
And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Yeah
I don't know how
Oh yeah yeah

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFd55zl1e6k

"Unknown" by Me =)

Alright so my blog can't be very long tonight. I got back from dinner with my grandparents and I have to wake up at 6:40 tomorrow. However, I want to briefly talk about randomness. It's an important topic, considering my current situation and in life in general.

Life is a string of ordinary days that have a consistent potential to become more than for what they're originally set up. I have often said that I can predict the future. In many cases I can and have. However, setting forth a math parallel, a graph that has a continuous and predictable slope in one quadrant can take a sharp turn in another. The evening when I called Connor for the last time merged into the day I was hit over the head with feelings for Edward. The day I swore I'd never develop feelings for anyone else but Edward was the day I turned around and saw Jacob in a new light. The afternoon in August when I woke up from a nap pining for Jacob ended in an evening filled with romantic possibility with Stewart. Perhaps the future can be predicted in some cases, but instinct in many cases bounces tracks from day to day.

The tracks on which my instinct bids me run seem quite random at times. In terms of my top choice college, I have a feeling I was always meant to go there. I had it in the back of my mind since I was 12. I guess it's true that Stewart was the first person I remember noticing at Juilliard my first day. He happens to be in my cello studio. He happened to have attended the same week-long camp I did. But this whole connection still seems quite random. How can I expect to breach the gap and ask him out to even something so simple as coffee when I barely know the guy? We've never spent more than 10 minutes alone and even then it wasn't planned. Who am I to reach out and add concrete plans to a connection that has thus far been spontaneous? It seems in a way that I'm going against nature. I can promise you that when my heart took such an unexpected turn, it did not mean to get stuck in yet another complicated situation. However, if I let things flow without interfering, nothing will happen and the purpose of this connection will never be fulfilled. That is - assuming there is a purpose. Now I'm really confusing myself.

Tomorrow, Saturday, is the first deciding factor in terms of whether I am going to proceed to quickly breach this randomness or wait until it seems more timely. I must pay close attention to my instinct at the end of the day. If I stick with it, I will be protected from harm. If I rationalize myself away from the proper path, I will only end up in useless heartbreak. The future may not be clear, but it is in enough of my control such that I can prevent unnecessary turmoils from taking place. I wish for the best of guidance tomorrow as I tackle the Unknown.

Lyrics to "Unknown":

Look to the dark

The road that lies ahead

One step and you're gone

The past you've rendered dead

You're on your own with the unknown

And all that's left unsaid

A shady road leads down below

The truths that you've been fed

No one knows

Where you'll end up

The future is not clear

The sheltered portion of your life

Is bound to finish here

Detachment from the present

That the future will demand

Marks the line where one stage ends

And the next begins

Look to the light

These eyes that shone for you

Fade to the stars

As you travel through the gloom

You're on your own with the unknown

And it'll be a blast

Enough to make you solidly

Turn your back on the past

But no one knows

Where you'll end up

The future is not clear

There may be much that you regret

But there's tons more left to fear

Detachment from the present

That the future now demands

Marks the start of your journey

Off to distant lands

Look to the sky

That forms your only canopy

Your sheltered self-indulgent world

Is now a memory

You're on your own with the unknown

And chances you have missed

Memories of losses

That you never thought to risk

But no one knows

Where you'll end up

The future is not clear

The sheltered portion of your life
Would always finish here

Detachment from the present

The future always will demand

You mark the line where one stage ends

And the next begins

Miss Independent by Ne-Yo

Girls often wonder what guys find attractive. I guess it varies from guy to guy. A lot of guys tend to favor easy, maybe even desperate girls. They like to do as little work as possible to secure what they feel will be more of an object than an equal companion. However, the best guys, of which Stewart is definitely a part, prefer girls who are friendly, but have their own thing going on. Such guys, because they are guys, seek to be adored. But they don't want to be too adored. They want to compete with a girl's other interests, such as song-writing, composing in general, cello playing, writing, blogging, socializing with other friends etc. That's not to say these guys won't reach below their standards in times of desperation or boredom. That's why it's necessary for my process to move quickly.

Basically, over the course of today, between attending class, writing song-lyrics, and writing the music to such lyrics, I have compiled a flow chart for my investigation in my head. I suppose because it's beneficial to me on the whole, I will share. It is a bit personal, but it is a necessary component of my investigation and the overall management of this project. It is my belief that if you approach every quest as a step-by-step project, life becomes more organized naturally.

Here is a verbal description of my flow chart. I was going to upload a photo file but I'll save that for the next blog.

So basically: I will not initiate communication with Stewart before Saturday (which pretty much means I won't speak to him because if you read my last blog, you know that Stewart's not skilled in initiating electronic communication). Saturday, this means, is a very important day. It marks the beginning of the flow chart.

Saturday's events will spark one of two branches depending on if the day goes well or poorly. This is not a concrete dividing line I admit. However, if I have a negative impulse, I will pursue option 1. If I have a positive impulse concerning the status of the relationship at the end of the day, I will pursue option 2.

Option 1: I wait until November 14th to resume significant communication. In person I must be reserved and online I must refrain from speaking to him unless necessary for band communication. Hopefully by the end of this breather, everything will have reached a more stable place.

Option 2: If Saturday goes reasonably well, the flow chart continues. On Tuesday, I will send the remaining two files to the band. On Thursday, I will chat him on AIM. I will make small talk and then mention that it is strange for Halloween to be on a Saturday. I will ask him if he has any plans back at boarding school. If he does, I will let the case alone and exit the chat when appropriate. If he doesn't have plans, then I will make small talk about my plans (whether they exist or not.) Before leaving the chat, I will mention that my plans do not begin until 6:30 or 7 pm and I will therefore have time to spend hanging around music school. I will ask if he wants to chill a bit and get coffee later. In order to ease the randomness, I will say that "I've been curious lately." He can interpret that statement in whatever way he wills. As long as it pads the randomness of my inquiry, it will have done its job. Based on Stewart's response, this option will split into one of two sub-options.

Option 2a: If Stewart declines my offer, I will hold off on any more offers or significant communication until the next band rehearsal which I'm thinking will be in early December.

Option 2b: If Stewart accepts my offer, I will begin to diagram the next flow chart in my head, and to you all.

The next few days are heavily concerned with the perfection of my college application and my scholarship submission. Because I have planned heavily in advance, I am not freaking out and am in a considerably good place. I will keep you updated on Saturday's turn out.

Miss Independent out. =)

Lyrics to "Miss Independent":

[Verse 1]
Ooh there's somethin about just somethin about the way she's move
And I can't figure it out
there's something about her.
Said ooh it's somethin about kinda woman that want you but don't need you
And I can't figure it out
it's somethin about her
Cause she walk like a boss talk like a boss
Manicured nailed to set the pedicure off
She's fly effortlessly
Cause she move like a boss do what a boss
Do she got me thinkin about gettin involved
That's the kinda girl I need

[Chorus]
She got her own thing
that's why I love her
Miss Independent
Won't you come and spend a little time
She got her own thing that's why I love her
Miss Independent
ooh the way you shine
Miss Independent
yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah

[Verse 2]
Ooh there's somethin about
kinda woman that can do for herself
I look at her and it makes me proud
There's something about her
Somethin oh so sexy about
kinda woman that don't even need my help
She said she got it she got it
No doubt, it's somethin about her
Cause she work like a boss play like a boss
Car and a crib she bouta pay em both off
And the bills are paid on time yeah
She made for a boss only a boss
Anything less she telling them to get lost
That's the girl that's on my mind

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Her favorite thing to say Don't worry I got it
And everything she got best believe she bought it
She gonna steal ma heart ain't no doubt about it
You're everything I need, said you're everything I need
yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

[Chorus]

Miss Independent
That's why I love her

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6coobo3nzQ

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Nickolas Ashford & Valerie Simpson

Uhhh ok...so I'm talking to Stewart now. Or I was. And it's kind of interesting. I guess he works while being on aim and that's why he doesn't give very explicit responses. Or it could be that he's not interested, but the thing is that when we're in the same room the way he interacts with me would suggest that he still is. I am very confused honestly. I feel like I'm just beginning to mark out sketches for an investigative report. No one's been killed so it's a bit of a light case. However, by expressing my focused hypotheses and findings, I hope that I can determine the existence or non-existence of a date-worthy connection.

My belief is that there is no mountain that is too high for me to summit. There are several with which I am too lazy to follow through, as was the case when I last sang this song in relation to a conquest. But if I so choose, there are none that are too high. So I have a new conquest. And I'm not going to fail. Because I'm not going to scale too quickly, too slowly, or get too lazy. You all, by being soundboards for me as I log my findings will be of the utmost help.

So let me state clearly what I know. It's not much but it's a starting point. As a journalist, I know that the research stage is the most important of the investigation. This is where I must remain level-headed, practical and focused so that I do NOT mess up.

Here's what has happened between me and Stewart that indicates that we had a date-worthy connection in the past:

1. The way he looked at me - frequently smiling and focused (it's all in the eyes)

2. The way he, as a clearly shy guy, would come up to hang out in my room for no apparent reason.

3. The way we developed a clearly standing connection in three days.

4. The way he asked if he would see me in two weeks when he clearly was going to

5. The way he told me I played excellently when I clearly did not. That was so unnecessary.

6. The way Georgina told me that she thinks he likes me. I also developed a strong connection with her throughout that short period of time and I therefore know her well enough to know that she would not speak unless she truly believed something.

Here's what indicates that this connection is or has potential to continue:

1. The whole staring, smiling thing is just as prominent.

2. Just last week, he wished me happy birthday four times and seemed eager to talk to me.

3. He's in my band, officially.

4. His mom brings him to music school, but he can stay after because he takes the train home alone afterwards so there is potential to hang out.

Here's what gives me a lot of doubt:

1. Stewart hardly ever initiates conversation during the week. When we're together in the same room he does, but maybe twice he has when we're apart.

2. Tonight he wasn't that into talking. He was warming up but then I stopped initiating conversation and he stopped responding and the conversation died.

3. He hasn't legitimately asked me to hang out.

4. He responds to aim, but not consistently by email or text.

Why I should ignore this doubt and continue hiking:

1. I have only had legit bonding time with this guy for 7 days.

2. I know he isn't the communicative type

3. In person interaction is more of an indicator of a connection than online interaction, which is often plagued by work and other environmental distractions

4. I know hardly ANYTHING about this guy and vice versa! How can I expect him to be head-over-heels in love with me? I'm not yet head-over-heels in love with him! I just love what I see and know which is very little! And he's a guy so he doesn't really think hypothetically. It's going to take a straightforward move from ME the girl to make this happen.

5. People are not consistent. Some days, you catch them in the zone and they're focused on you and ready to delight in your presence. Other days, they're focused on other things and you're primarily a distraction, especially in the early stages of a budding relationship.

6. How would he know if he wants to date me? He hasn't really spent any time with me! And because he doesn't know, he's not inclined to pursue it. People are busy and need legit incentive to break out of their bubbles. That's my job. I'm always out of my bubble. I need to help him out of his if this is ever going to happen.

7. I need to have FAITH in who I am. I'm someone who wins and who in the right mindset and perspective can always win.

8. He is no doubt leading me on when we're together in person. So if I were to make a move, it wouldn't be entirely random or ridiculous.

9. People's minds change. Even if he isn't entirely into me now, that doesn't mean he won't be soon. There's definitely enough of a connection and attraction on his end to foster something larger if given a cue.

So. Here's the information I have for the most part. It's not much, but putting it down here has helped me organize my thoughts and realize how ridiculous my doubts are in the overall scheme of this potential relationship. I have a goal and an investigation to carry out. So I'm going to climb. And this time, I'm not stopping midway.

Lyrics to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough":

Listen, baby
Ain't no mountain high
Ain't no vally low
Ain't no river wide enough, baby
If you need me, call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry
'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Remember the day
I set you free
I told you
You could always count on me
From that day on I made a vow
I'll be there when you want me
Some way,some how
'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
No wind, no rain
My love is alive
Way down in my heart
Although we are miles apart
If you ever need a helping hand
I'll be there on the double
As fast as I can
Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz-UvQYAmbg

"Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot

I heard this song in 7th grade on Z100 when my mom and I would drive back from ice skating. If my dad had been in the car, I wouldn't have been allowed to listen to pop music. Before 7th grade, I never thought about it. But I'd been transforming over the course of that summer at music camp. I was ready to expand my horizons and I started by tuning into the world of pop.

Switchfoot is a religious band and many of you know how I feel about concrete religion. If not, you can guess. However, this song, when related to my life has nothing to do with religion. It's about those times in my life when I, or someone else involved in my life, just needs to be dared to move.

So right now, we're going to venture back into my love life. You're going to roll your eyes: 1) Because you thought I had moved on to different topics. 2) Because you're tired of hearing me waffle back and forth between a countless and endless number of guys. However, I PROMISE that my hiatus from talking about my love life has given me new perspective and I am ready to discuss it more intelligently and less profusely.

Basically, I'm in a rut. I'm in a rut because Stewart is very much my type. My type as I've realized is pretty much what I've always envisioned my type to be. Funny enough, Connor, the first guy I really fell for, is not actually my type even though he somewhat appears to be. Drake isn't. Jacob definitely isn't. That leaves Edward and Stewart. Look back through my previous blogs to find out what happened with Edward. It was a catastrophe that now seeing it in retrospect, I can fully accept and realize.

Ed and I had a similar connection to the one that exists between me and Stewart. The one between me and Stewart is slightly larger and more obvious, but it's still similar. Last time, I did everything I could to mess it up - unknowingly at first up to the point when I was no longer thinking clearly. This time, I'm prepared not to. I'm prepared to wait until the time is right and until I receive a stronger impulse to act. The allure of the type I tend to fall for is that they generally don't make moves out of shyness or whatever such that when they do, it's monumental. Stewart has made quite a few of such moves but I still wonder if it's really my turn to act. After all, if he continues to make moves, how can I be sure that he won't eventually make the deciding move himself? Won't that be worth waiting for?

It's hard to say. I really like Stewart. I have grown to like, respect and be enamored by him. I want to have as much time with him as I can. I want to fully enjoy the connection we've developed before we're forced to take separate ways. You all know the extent to which his recent presence in my life has affected me. I find it strange myself that that week in Lake Placid landed me with both two new best friends and an intense affinity for someone I hardly know. However, that is the truth of the matter and as I have already accepted it, I am wondering why I am not finding it fit to act. I guess it's because it just doesn't feel right for me to make the move this time. I put him in my band. I am Miss Independent. It's his turn to buck up and make a say of this. If I guide him from the self-imposed backgrounds, I have no doubt he eventually will. He may need A LOT of guidance, but I'm prepared to give it sporadically as long as the deciding move is his.

We're in limbo now, Stewart. Instead of daring myself, I'm "daring you to move" as part of a day that's "never happened before" but should.

Lyrics to "Dare You To Move":

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK_E7xS7AtQ

"Nimrod" by Edward Elgar

So technically, this is not a song...it's a variation in in Edward Elgar's "Enigma Variations." I've heard it a few times - once in the car I believe - on a road-trip. But the first time I solidly took it in was two weeks ago when we listened to all the "Enigma Variations" in my composition class at music school. It's gorgeous in its simplicity - growing stronger with each repetition of the original straightforward, yet poignant theme.

Today was an interesting day. It was my first full day being 18. It's not that I felt any older walking the halls at music school. But I did feel different. It's like my past became legitimately my past. Jacob had no effect on me. Seeing new Facebook pictures of Edward had no affect on me. I felt detached and individual - as if I had been just granted a brand new start. Somehow, I don't feel obligated to where I've been or who I used to be. I'm new, reformed and confident about my future.

What I realized today while listening to "Nimrod" is that music without words has the potential to overpower even the best of lyrics. Sitting in the orchestra room, watching an ensemble of friends put forth this luminous mirage of sound, I began to tear a bit. Miranda had goosebumps next to me. I began to see that the most powerful of elements in the world are those that do not need words to be acknowledged and therefore do not use them. Words are a form of communicating emotion and information. But in and of themselves, they are meaningless. The reason I wanted Jacob to say "I love you" was not because I needed the words to be said as he thought. It's because I felt a void in his emotional outreach and I thought that the words, said heartfelt would compensate. But they couldn't. Not only did he never say them, but he never felt them. It was the feeling that mattered.

It was as if the day, like Nimrod, was a series of repetitive events that increased their impact every time they were repeated. I was standing, posters in hand, swaggering about with my cello. Stewart glanced up and smiled...that long slow smile that gets me every time. I could see him above the crowd outside during the fire drill. There were leagues of people between us. Yet because of his height, our eyes could still meet. We crossed paths in the hallway. He said "Happy Birthday" for the fourth time. It didn't need to be said. The words were just filler words that could have been easily replaced with "hello" or "how's it going?". It was their delivery that counted...the emotion that existed behind the dead noise.

If words aren't said, how do they acquire power in our society? After all, our society is communication based. How could it be that unexplained connections amount to anything? I don't quite have an answer. Perhaps words eventually need to be said. In that case, it would be my instinct's call and not my own. A wordless piece of art is up to individual interpretation. So listen to this excerpt. Let it inspire you as it did me.

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUgoBb8m1eE

"Breathe" by Anna Nalick

So you're sitting on the brink of a new potential relationship. You've been waiting a while. Between sorting out your past and fretting about your future, you haven't had much time to focus on the present. However now, things are shaping up. The past is slipping away - or at least morphing into something you understand and can deal with, the future is the future, and the present is nearing closer.

I've been thinking a bit about how I deal with my emotions - particularly when I care deeply about someone. When I care about an event - like my band recording, or getting into my top choice college, somehow I keep perspective. I work hard but not so much that my mental focus goes. When it comes to caring about friends, I can do this as well while keeping a handle on my own life. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, my perspective starts to dramatically dwindle. Caring about this type of person for me is often not a positive thing. The care eats up my self-respect. I have a desperate need to know that my feelings are reciprocated. Being unsure sends me into a state of delusion. The person becomes an object to me - an object of my care - but an object nonetheless.

This is how the large majority of my relationships have gone in the past. I have come across initially as the hot, chill, eccentric girl who appears to be an artsy guy's ideal match. However, as the relationship progresses, they start to see inklings of the neuroses I mentioned in my previous blog as well as my desperate need for control. Somewhere between these two negative forces, the relationship falls apart.

I guess now it seems that I'm being offered another chance - a chance to rise above the normal paranoid intricacies of relationship behavior. I'm being offered this chance and I'm going to take it. I'm going to work backwards, striving hard to feel comfortable and remain natural.

A year ago, if you'd asked me what to do when you're sitting on the brink of a new relationship, I'd say let loose all hell and go in for the kill. Now, as I'm wiser and broken with time, I say "Breathe...just breathe."

Lyrics to "Breathe":

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPz3YaIJkjQ

"Hard to Love You" by The Wreckers

The blog I'm about to write is not pretty. In fact, it is quite disgusting. It is nothing like the blogs you've read up to this point if you've been reading. If you haven't and this is your first time reading my blog, I suggest you either read further down or read my next blogs so that you are convinced that I am not actually as one-dimensionally monstrous as I am about to seem. I am actually quite honest and like to portray my true self. I have no need to package it or change it to suit the expectations of others around me. This is part of why I am prepared to divulge the worst side of me to you now.

Let me introduce as an example my ex-boyfriend Jacob. I just chatted him now because we're scheduled to meet tomorrow and he didn't respond...the dickhead. Jacob is a striking young man - gorgeous if I may say in a very non-conventional way. He has always had hopeless girls writing on his Facebook wall, flirting in the most tasteless ways - desperately seeking his approval. There was Sandy, who took every opportunity to cover Jacob's wall with corny comments on his statuses, wall-to-walls with other people for god's sake, or just random posts such as "marry me" that really signify nothing. There were the three girls from a program he tried out for who were all clearly enamored by his presence. One wrote shamelessly long posts that made me nearly puke, addressing him as "My Dear Jacob" or other names of the like. One seemed to have a boyfriend and therefore her invasion of my territory was quite brief and little of a threat. The other one, clearly the winner of the three, asked him to be her chauffeur to India next time he goes.

Those four cases are pretty bad. But today - yes today was the worst. Jacob and I have been broken up for a while. During that period, I have been interested in a variety of people, focusing on one in particular. But I have not been able to pursue anyone because of Jacob's lasting powerful hold on my emotional state. I was even more convinced of this fact today. I signed into Facebook, stopped by his wall second after Edward's as I usually do, and saw that a girl - let's name her Aggie - had posted a 2 minute 14 second video on his wall. Naturally I went into my room, turned on the volume, and played the video. It was a bad idea. The video started our with Aggie rearing her ugly face to the camera, saying "Hey Loser - stop playing with your Rubix cube and get on AIM. I probably shouldn't be leaving you this video but because I promised you I would, I am." What's that supposed to mean? I have some ideas. I won't share them. The rest of the video was basically Aggie's making a fool of herself, presenting Jacob and the watching world with some torn up stuffed animal that at least looked better than her. I was disgusted. If I were a guy, I would be turned off for eternity. But clearly Aggie and Jacob have some sort of bond that I was not aware of. Thank you Aggie, for letting me in on your plan. If I weren't writing this blog in hopes to eliminate the deadly vicious part of myself, you'd profoundly regret it.

Basically, I have a problem. I am in constant competition with other girls. I have a lot of friends who are girls obviously with whom I do not compete. They don't invade on my territory. I don't invade on theirs. But when a girl comes to close to a guy who I've deemed "my property" I become relentless. I make it my business to weed the girl out of this guy's system - my system.

Yes yes. I sound horrible. I'm a narcissistic, controlling maniac who cannot bear to coexist in the same plane as anyone else. That is my worst side. That is the side of me you might not have seen. However, if you have seen it, just know that in recognizing this, I am planning to change. I feel just as pathetic as Aggie. I am no more tactful. I am no more in control of myself. Perhaps I do myself a service in that I am not inclined to publicly shame myself. But I do privately. I have lost much because of this flaw - much that I deserved to lose.

The lyrics to this song, if I were to sing them, would be directed towards the guys who will come my way in the future. Writing this blog was necessary because it exposed the side of me that I must eliminate before I entire a new relationship. To those who are willing to take this risk, I mean exactly this. "I am wrong but I've been changing." And it's a change you can believe in.

Lyrics to "Hard to Love You":

Why do they make it hard to love you
Why can't they even start to try
'Cause now I feel the bridge is burnin
Oh oh
And all the smoke is in my eyes
Oh oh

I realize I never let them know me
I always wanted to be right
Took a mistake to really show me
Oh oh
Exactly what they were like

(Chorus;)
I've been wrong but I've been changin
I've been wonderin what to do
Here I am alone and waitin
For you

Why do I try to make them happy
Why am I always playin nice
It isn't easy tryin to tell you
Oh oh
Exactly whats on my mind

(Chorus)

I've been wrong but I've been waitin
For you

I've been wrong but I've been changin
I've been wonderin what to do
Here I am alone and waitin
waitin
For you

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SS8JM-ArKiM