I guess I just have some things to get out that I can't tell you and can't tell anyone else directly. But they need to be said. For some reason, ever since we've started talking like old times, I've had this ulcer-like feeling in my stomach. My appetite is starting to fade. My nerves are constantly on edge and I constantly feel like my heart is about to pop out into my throat. Ever since that night you called me "dear", I've been slowly melting. When you agreed that the day I broke up with you should be fucked, it didn't exactly help. When you said you needed to get out of your house, it just put ideas into my head - ideas which at this time, just don't seem possible to actuate. You are quite possibly subconsciously leading me on an adventure I didn't choose to embark upon - one that chose me instead.
I know we have the rest of our lives ahead of us, Jacob. And I know so much has happened - a lot of which I've emoted in this blog. But the truth is, we can't keep making arguments against the blaring evidence I'm about to describe without knowing underneath that we are lying. We can say all we want to avoid what life deemed for us as inevitable. I mean seriously? We only have 6 months. How could rekindling an "ended" relationship be worth it in that time. Why feel uncomfortable in regards to your parents and your upbringing and culture if it's not worthwhile? Why should I put myself through more pain again when I could just cut off and pretend it doesn't exist? Well. The answer, unfortunately for both of our cases, is quite simple. The feelings we both have just won't accept these claims. Both you and I are good at hiding feelings from ourselves and pretending they don't exist. But after every little inkling of denial has been counted up to this point, it's getting to the point where it's becoming unbearable. My heart can hardly contain it and it's not because I'm crazy. It's because ever since July I have felt the bulk of this situation and I can't deny that it's the wrongest thing I have ever witnessed - two people who are without a doubt meant to be together acting like complete idiots and searching for ways all around to world to deny such a fact. It's abominable! That's why I've been waiting all day to ask you to get your ass over here and I will wait as long as I need to because there is no way in hell that I can make peace with myself in this sorry state.
Though you've never been able to say it to my face, on AIM you always say, "Shit happened. It's time to move on." Perhaps in most cases, this is a rule to live by. But if that is so, this is an exception. For too long have we been looping back for a reason we've been too afraid to coin. When you're involved, there's "no need to say goodbye."
Lyrics to: "The Call":
Which then grew into hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it, too
Doesn't means that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
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