I chose this song on a whim, just because the title popped into my head. I hadn't heard the words hardly, but when I looked them up, they fit my purpose. The words remind me of the water we first kissed by and "Slumdog Millionaire." which first brought me to you.
The reason I'm writing so to speak directly to you now and not merely about you is actually quite practical. I feel so comfortable with you and your acceptance of me that I used to pour out all my emotions, both negative and positive to you. It was as if I was always as drunk as I was last night. I had no common sense. I used you and didn't appreciate you. If I've come to any realization, it's that I need to deal with my feelings myself instead of loading them out on you. So I scream at the mirror, write angry emails to myself and when I'm more coherent, this blog, so that you may never see what I feel past the capacity of your sensitive knowledge.
I read some of the old chats I'd saved in which you were sweet and taking care of me as best you could. When you were mean and lashed out, you were protecting yourself from a fanatic moron who did not know what she was doing. I'm sure you could and should have done so with more tact, but nevertheless, your actions are ones that I cannot completely hold against you because you forgive me every time.
Last night, my "freezing speech bubbled" as the song described. I started out fine, I imagine, and you thought I was joking as usual. But of course, I had to reveal myself and you knew that everything I was saying was my subconscious speaking - deep truths that I consistently touch upon but for practicality's sake will never completely address. Later, you asked me if I was okay and told me not to worry. You told me not to be sorry.
The truth is something I could never say. I know who you are now and I want you. I want you more than I wanted you before. I want you more than I wanted Edward. It's an aching pain that feels so real - like I myself am missing something. And it's an aching pain that because of my misgivings, regardless of your buried feelings, can most likely not be overturned. Nevertheless, I will continue to hope for the rest of the school year that remains. Perhaps I cannot turn it around. But I think you can.
Happy New Year.
Lyrics to: "The Planets Bend Between Us":
The winters mar the Earth
It's floored with frozen glass
You slip into my arms
And you quickly correct yourself
Your freezing speech bubbles
Seem to hold your words aloft
I want the smoky clouds of laughter
To swim about me forever more
I will race you to the waterside
And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud
So they could hear it in America
It's all for you
The shells crack under our shoes
Like punctuation points
The planets bend between us
A hundred million suns and stars
The sea filled in this silence
Before you sank those words
And now even in the darkness
I can see how happy you are
I will race you to the waterside
And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud
So they could hear it in a America
It's all for you
It's all for you [x5]
Link to Music Video:
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