Fallin' For You by Colbie Caillat

So I heard this song when driving with my mom to tour colleges in Ohio. My mom, knowing about my Stewart situation, heard the first part of the lyrics and said, "This is your song!". I blushed and listened as I stared out the window. It is my song. I am excited about this potential relationship, especially as people start to further encourage me (I need to stop telling people so that I don't get too hopeful). But at the same time, I am planning to wait to completely go after Stewart until I "know him better" (and have things better settled with Jacob - more about that later). I am also "hiding" as much as my personality allows me to do. Stewart and my conversations are on hold until we meet face to face.

I guess I enjoy this song particularly because of its apt description of the period between a connection and a potential relationship. The sparks have already been exchanged but there's no telling whether they will remain or fade during this period of uncertainty. Everyone not in this situation always says that this is the most fun time, handling the unknown. However, it's sort of stressful. You don't know what to daydream about because you don't want to let yourself get too carried away. You don't know how to act and how much to put out. And you tend to view things incorrectly or at least juggle a bunch of faulty interpretations as racing hormones dull perception.

I'm going to keep this blog short because the song speaks for itself. For Stewart out there - yes I am "fallin' for you." Perhaps (definitely) I already have.

Lyrics to "Fallin' For You" :

I don't know but
I think I maybe
Fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting 'til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

As I'm standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It's just you and me

I'm trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh I just can't take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you
I think I'm fallin' for you

I can't stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can't hide it
I think I'm fallin' for you (x2)

I'm fallin' for you

Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I'm fallin' for you

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7qtLrQVUFQ

"Breathe" by Michelle Branch

I guess I'm cheating a bit and using this blog to cover both today and yesterday. This is excusable only because this blog relates to a conclusion I came to yesterday and began to implement today.

You know when you start off with a new interest in someone and they begin to take over your thoughts constantly? You know this isn't good for you but you can't help dwelling on your past moments with them and your hopes for the future. The present becomes slightly unbearable and removed from reality. You feel like you're just falling in to space at the mercy of your interest's actions.

This is how I've been feeling for the past few days. Stewart has worked his way into my regular consciousness. There's something about him that I really respect and long to learn more about. Even though we had some short not very romantic AIM convos the other day concerning his not wanting to play my piece considering the recording is on his birthday (totally understandable), a cute picture tagged of us on facebook put me back in full swing. I can't stop thinking about the long smiling gazes we shared on a regular basis throughout the week, or our incessant teasing of each other, or the frequent periods in which we would laugh over something completely goofy. The sweet text message he sent me remains on my phone and I look at it by normal standards, way too often.

However, what I have to do in this sitatuion, without a doubt, is "breathe." I "just" need to "breathe". A good friend of mine noted the other day that guys are very visual in how they perceive girls. A guy, no matter how interested, is not going to be motivated to keep up an online connection with a girl he just met. He's going to wait until he sees her. I'm going to see Stewart in two weeks and regardless of what happened or could happen in the future, I need to breathe and wait it out. I probably need to wait about a month even before really making a judgement on the situation. If Stewart and my connection is one that is meant to develop, it will do so naturally in the future. Right now, there is nothing I can comfortably do to continue to fuel the connection so I'm going to wait and let fate take care of it until I see him and everything becomes more clear.

I know it's extremely hard to wait things out at the start of any new connection. You wonder if the guy will continue to think about you or even view you as a possibility for a relationship. You wonder if you're doing enough to indicate your interest. You wonder if the spark will die without someone actively refueling it. However, keep in mind that nothing is as strong as the excitement over a potential relationship. Guys and girls are different, but we both feel this pull. It may dwindle slightly with temporary loss of contact. Nevertheless, a connection that's meant to exist will hardly ever die completely and definitely not before it's fully explored. This is in fact a comforting thought to me and all those in my situation. It's an exciting place to be - on the brink of a mysterious new connection that you really hope will take flight. Whether or not it will - I'm "holding my breath and counting to ten."

Lyrics to "Breathe":

I've been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain
You say I've been driving you crazy
and its keeping you away
So just give me one good reason
Tell me why I should stay
'Cause I dont wanna waste another moment
in saying things we never meant to say

And I Take it just a little bit
I, hold my breath and count to ten
I, I've been waiting for a chance to let you in

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe

Well it's all so overrated
In not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what's real

And I Give you just a little time
I, Wonder if you realize
I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe,
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe
Breathe

So I whisper in the dark,
Hoping you hear me
Do you hear me?

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe,
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright
Everything is alright if i just breathe... breathe

I've been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeKk7-GWkCc&feature=related

"I Bruise Easily" by Natasha Bedingfield

Right now I'm in a bit of a sticky situation because my mom is doing the laundry while I've been talking and doing what I want and she's making me feel rightfully guilty. I don't really know how to react in these situations because I want to help out, yet there's so much I need to get done and I just can't forge that bridge in between. But that indeed will sort itself out when I get my act better together. As for now, I will write about this song.

Basically, whenever I start to fall for a new person, I get really insecure and vulnerable. Of course a connection that became so strong in three days is pretty deep and momentous and definitely has the potential to grow. Yet because of my vulnerability complex, doubt trumps my confidence. Despite how chill I would like to be in this situation, I am starting to develop a significant amount of expectations concerning this Stewart ordeal. He scarily encompasses the qualities I prized most in both Edward and my Walden crush of four years Connor. And those two are the two guys of all the ones I've dated that I have been unable to forget.

A day or two ago, I promised myself that I would take this easy and slowly as I know I should have with Edward. If I had have done so, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, perhaps the relationship would have been significantly more of a success. Because I have been granted a second chance with a new and possibly better-fitting person, I must take this chance seriously and go against impulse to keep my emotions at bay. I know that I tend to freak out when it's been a day and I haven't received a new text message in response to mine. I know I tend to pour over pictures of potential ex-girlfriends and attempt to wish away their existences. I know I tend to fantasize too deeply about the future and lose perspective on the present. And most of all, I know that I must force myself not to do any of these. I "bruise" way too "easily" when falling into a new romantic situation of any kind. I need to teach myself to take things way more lightly even if the emotions I feel are far from light.

In this situation where there seems to be quite a bit of potential, it's a good chance to see how sane I can be despite the setbacks of my admittedly obsessive personality. I'm going to relax and take no indication, whether it be positive or negative, too strongly and I'm going to stop being so superficial and focused on this one bit of excitement when excitement of all forms swirls around me. For now, the glass is going to remain half full and half empty and when the time comes, I hope that nature in its kindest form fills it. I'm going to force myself to stop "bruising so easily."

Lyrics to "I Bruise Easily"

My skin is like a map
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
Its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defences down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily
So be gentle when you handle me
Theres a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily
Can't scratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

I found your fingerprints
On a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I'll never know
So im learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

[Chorus]

Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you

So be gentle...

[Chorus]

I bruise easily
I bruise easily

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CmnKC_BLSo

"The Time of My Life" by David Cook

Hello. So I took about a week-long hiatus and so I'm going to have to cram a week's worth of material into one blog. The reason for my break was simply my having one of the best experiences I've ever had in my life and probably the best week of my life in general. I was at my cello teacher's studio retreat in Lake Placid with seven other students for a week. Our practice schedule was pretty intense. We had to learn three concerts worth of material in five days and were expected to practice four hours each morning (I was not used to that). However, many factors combined made this week the "The Time of My Life": a time I will never forget.

For the past two years at summer programs, I haven't been particularly close to my roommates. The relationships at best were friendly acquaintances and at worst cold acceptances. When I met Nicole, I first noted that she looked sporty. I then noticed when she came up to the room to unpack that she was rather shy. However when we started laughing over Disney, I begin to feel a connection that for the rest of the week remaining would amaze me. Having been home schooled her entire life, Nicole informed me when we talked later that night that she was incredibly shy. I sometimes witnessed this when we hung out in a big group and she tended to become slightly subdued. But when the two of us were together, almost all the time, we were as crazy as crazy gets. We could communicate mentally on the first full day and laughed almost incessantly over pretty much anything and everything. It's rare you make such a strong connection in a week, where a week-long friendship feels like one that's been flourishing for eight years at least. I don't think that's ever happened to me. But Nicole is special; someone who I don't want to lose.

Before I embarked on this retreat, instinct was telling me that I'd meet someone to my liking. I knew that there would be three guys there - all about my age, or if not, at least eligible to date. There was Jolly-J (nicknames are best), the 20-year-old, who took an unrequited liking to me from the moment I stepped in the door. There was Al, the seemingly quiet (from the little I'd seen of him at music school) emotional cellist who I found out later to be a full-fledged drama queen. There was Nicholas, Nicole's best friend, who came three days to play violin who I realized quickly was as dramatic and dynamic as I am. We spent an entire awesome rehearsal discussing hot LOST guys, Taylor Swift, and Gossip Girl. And then, there was Stewie.

My teacher had asked my dad and I to give Stewie a ride up to Lake Placid because his parents couldn't drive him. When we picked him up in Pleasantville, NY, I was surprised to find him surprisingly friendly. From the little I'd known of him at music school (he's actually the first guy I noticed my first year four years ago - but that was a long time ago), he seemed rather dull and quiet. My impression was not dimmed by my teacher's continual description of his playing as "unemotional." However, in the car, we had a few nice conversations and the rest of the time we slept. I didn't feel like pushing on him - or rather my instinct didn't. I guess, looking back, my initial feelings towards Stewie were similar to those I felt for Edward on our first encounters: kindly indifference. He stayed in the background for the first few days and it was only when he began to unleash a crazier side that I began to take a stronger notice of him.

By the end of the week, which ended yesterday, Stewie and I had established a connection much on the level of that Edward and I had in the beginning of our relationship. We laugh together over goofy bits of randomness. We stare at each other constantly and smile instinctively. We gravitate towards each other naturally. I wasn't looking for it, but it seems as if I have fallen for yet another guy. There are some issues surrounding this situation, namely my promise to Jacob that I would fix our situation, my almost certainly ridiculous jealousy of an ex-girlfriend of Stewie (I'm going to call him Stewart)'s who judging from facebook is an unattractive Californian who was at his prior summer program, and my tendency to push things as I did with Edward. However, as I sneak little bits and pieces of story into the following blogs, I'm sure you will understand more of how I am feeling. I hope I will as well.

I find it incredibly inspiring that my teacher, never having had kids, stuck together a group of kids ranging from ages 11 to 20 and got such a practically perfect result. I hope she is as happy as Nicole and I are and how I imagine all of us are. I look forward to filling in more blank spots in the coming blogs. I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to have such a lasting, pleasurable week and I hope the remnants implement themselves more solidly in my continuing life.

Lyrics to: "The Time of My Life":

I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

So I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
I’m keeping my feet on the ground
My arms open wide
My face to the sun

I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
This is the time
This is the time of my life.
This is the time of my life.

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt4aTMTGZPM&feature=PlayList&p=7728F24BA351F4C5&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=2

"With A Little Help From My Friends" by the Beatles

Today was an interesting day. It is my last day in the city for a while. I am heading off tomorrow to a cello retreat at my teacher's summer home in Lake Placid after which I will drive with my mom to tour two colleges.

The day started with a bang. I'd gotten little sleep following my discourse with Jacob. My tortured dreams served as indications that my dramatic ending to the ordeal was probably not the correct way to approach things. Upon waking up around 8, I ran to the computer and typed out a long, round-about email to Jacob, taking back my harsh words. I mainly took back my refusal of his plea to be friends. I figured, if I'm going to be in pain anyway, why not be a Samaritan and donate my valuable friendship to an arguably undeserving recipient? After all, Jacob's desperation to be friends, as seen in his futile attempts to get through to me via AIM, does nothing but put me on top in this situation. Not literally. I wish.

After packing, I set out to meet my friend Ilana, a fellow former Walden student, at Penn Station. I'd had lessons with her mom, a voice teacher, throughout the past year. However, I hadn't seen Ilana for over a year. It's funny. Ilana and I had never completely bonded at Walden or outside, but somehow today, talking to her was so easy. We connected immediately - more so than some of the Waldeners that I've recently seen and have known for longer. A random meeting turned out to be one of the most productive uses of time I've had in a while. I left her feeling partly healed from Jacob's wound (she considers him to be complete "good riddance" material) and prepared to continue my life.

On a sadder note however, one of my dearest friends called in tears to inform me that the dog she had had since she was six had passed away during the night. When I went to her apartment, I was moved and saddened by her family's reaction. Her dad sifted through pictures of Winnie, the dog, while listening to the tragic, sweeping melodies of Barber's "Adagio for Strings." Her mom mosied through the house searching for Winnie, nearly reminding Rhi, my friend, to take Winnie out on her walk. Rhiannon herself was a wreck, but because she is stronger than most of the people I know and have ever known, she put on a good face though I could sense and feel the pain that bobbed in and out of clear view.

I was hit with a reality check. I had been spending way too much time moping about a guy who I had known for less than a year and who in that time had caused me much offense. Meanwhile, Rhi had lost her best friend who had done nothing to harm her during the eleven years they spent together. When I talked to Rhi about our plans for life and the year ahead, it became clear that our connection surpassed by far the one I had or could ever have with Jacob. We have the ability to console each other naturally without trying too hard to think of words to say. We are there for each other without having to consciously put in effort. In the end, the natural connections are the ones that ring for the longest amount of time.

I cannot lie and say that the pain from Jacob's slights will fade so quickly if at all while he is still present in my weekly life. I know that upon seeing him, my emotions will explode and unleash a pain too great to even describe coherently. However, despite the inevitable effect this jackass has and will continue to have on me, I can know that I "will get by with a little help from my friends."

Lyrics to: "With A Little Help From My Friends"

What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)
No I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

(Do you need anybody?)
I need somebody to love
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love

(Would you believe in a love at first sight?)
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time
(What do you see when you turn out the light?)
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh I'm going to try with a little help from my friends

(Do you need anybody?)
I just need somebody to love
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends
Oh I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends

Link to Music Video:
(I'm using the clip from "Across the Universe". It's adorable.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4RKZinIoVo

"Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap

Precisely. The words racing through my head. "Where are we?" "What the hell is going on?"
These are the words of my pitiful and scrambled goodbye. If any of you are reading this, you must be laughing at my stupidity; my willingness to believe in people even when I know in my heart that they are not to be trusted.

My instinct told me not to believe Jacob when he confessed to me yesterday. When I read over what I'd saved of what he said, I got a sick feeling in my stomach that could not have possibly boded well. But I ignored it and tried with my mind to wrench away the impulses and convince myself of the half-hearted lies Jacob had put forth. The message I recieved from Anya in my box today was desperate. Not in a bad way - but in a way that someone who loves you pleads you not to do something they know will hurt you. She told me that if I was even thinking about getting back together with Jacob, I shouldn't because whatever he could have said could only have been a ploy to get me back and he didn't mean it. I got online feeling a bit unsure, wondering who to believe. My instinct immediately pounced on the situation. When have I ever had any reason not to trust Anya? She knows me like the beat of her own heart - just as I know her. Yet somehow, I decided to defy this impulse too. You know the saying: Three strikes you're out. Fortunately, Jacob saved me from defying my instinct yet again.

He told me that he had rethought what he had said to me yesterday and from that moment on I knew that I was heading for trouble. I fought with him - relentlessly this time - and watched him call me "mean", "bitchy", and "stubborn". The words flashed to the screen like pathetic like seeds falling to the kitchen floor when you scrape out a pumpkin.

So yes...I fell. I fell in my judgement. I fell in getting together with Jacob in the first place. Back in February, when I fell for him, I gave way too little thought to the matter. It was clear that I only wanted some available gauze to heal the wound that Edward had given me. And there Jacob stood before me: tall, handsome, seemingly sweet, seemingly just what I needed.

Is it possible that I could have miscalculated? My belief that people could change so easily seemed to have gotten to me. I wanted beyond all words to help Jacob grow out of his arrogance but in retracting his offer to give me in turn what I need, he has lost all claim to my help and to the heart that truly in part could have belonged to him.

So here's my wisdom to those dealing with a similar situation:

You must realize that if somebody waits until they lose you to care, he is not giving you the time of day despite whatever flowery words he uses to put forth his apology. He is just wanting to win the game that you unknowingly have become a part of. You need to get the hell out of this game immediately.

You must always follow your instinct and those (like Anya) who love and truly care about your wellbeing. If you ever have to doubt if someone cares or has your best interest at heart, they probably don't - at least not as much as you'd like them to. Granted, some people are harder to analyze and take longer to reveal their emotions. But you still should have some signs that at least do not point in the opposite direction.

You must keep those who you love close to you. Because if they slip away, you will end up having to pay for it by getting yourself into crummy situations like this one. To Edward wherever you are out there: I am sorry and I promise if you ever grant me a second chance, it will most likely be less of a waste than my grant to Jacob and hopefully not a waste at all.

I will wait until I am of a saner mind to discuss further issues of trust and instinct. As of now, seeing as I always tend to end these blogs with a quote: "What the hell".

Lyrics to "Hide and Seek":

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah of course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cpSv2mNhhc

"Whatever it Takes" by Lifehouse

I know that in my previous blogs I've devoted a lot of time talking about a guy named Edward. If this is the first blog of mine you are reading, scroll down a few inches and you will understand quickly what I am talking about. But today is different. As those who have read my college essays or supplements will know, everything in my life tends to come in some form of duality so it is understandable that the Edward story is not the only story I have to tell.

Today, I am going to speak about someone who in my previous blogs I have only mentioned sporadically in passing. Until today, the depression surrounding my thoughts on this person was still too near and dealing with it openly to myself and to you would not have been wise. However, a conversation that took place this morning between me and the guy, who you know from previous blogs as Jacob, released a portion of the pain that had initially barred me from speaking.

Jacob came to me right at the time at which I needed him. I was suffering from a depression similar to the one I'm going through now and I came to realize, though I feel I knew it subconsciously all along, that his reassuring words, albeit on AIM, were what I needed to fill the gap I'd been falling into. We'd been friends, but we got closer. It got to the point where everyday, we spoke via some means of online communication. I've never told him this, but I got into the habit of saving our AIM conversations on file. I did it once and afterwards it just became a natural impulse to click the button. It was as if my instinct knew I would need them later on to juxtapose as a flawless foil on top of what was to come.

Jacob was never too unsure of himself. Often, as we spent more time talking, after we'd expanded our means of communication to include both phone and in person interaction, I got the feeling he viewed himself as superior to me and everyone else around us. Attractive as he is, I often was able to ignore this heavy feeling when physically with him. But online or on the phone, I began to realize that aside from our relationship, Jacob was dating a different girl in his head; a glorified version of me; one who achieved perfect test scores and grades, went to his top choice college, and was extraordinary at everything. I may be wrong, but it seems like girls typically search for guys who value them for who they are. I didn't think I was any different.

Over the summer, while at the Northwestern program I mentioned in a previous blog, I began to see this disconcerting side of Jacob more and more. This Jacob was all I had. And he was all I would have for the two more months. I saw an unsettling summer span before me - one in which I was lonely while not being alone, neglected while supposedly in a special position, and hurt when I should be loved. The conversations Jacob and I had concerning his nonchalance towards me would only push things further - he'd be further bewildered by my unpredictable reactions and I'd be further hurt by the callous words he chucked at me. A recent email saying that "he expected too much of me" when I refused to complacently accept his clear ignorance towards me and that I intruded on his "trying to continue his life, peacefully without tension" still sends icy shivers down my vulnerable spine.

This song becomes relevant to this situation when after a few brief email exchanges, Jacob and I spoke for the first time in days on AIM this morning. I did not expect him to apologize for his past remarks. I just hoped to heal some of the ever-brewing tension I knew would not benefit our music school community in the fall. However, his apology, appearing more sincere than most apologies from past-offenders, took me by surprised and called for a hearing. He said he'd realized what he'd done and that though he could not currently prove his epiphany valid, I would in time become aware of its effect. He explained wholeheartedly what he believed to be the causes of the words and actions that broke me and I listened further, still unsure of how to react. As Lifehouse's protagonist describes, Jacob said he was hoping to "let me in even though it hurts."

Though I am aware of its implications on my self-image, the truth remains that my feelings for Jacob have not yet waned after our previous painful discourses. Despite the overwhelming hurt I feel, I am still able to view Jacob as the guy I loved in the beginning for being dynamic and multi-talented, spontaneous and engaging, with what seemed to be an open heart. And I hope, as a traitor to my pride, that he is sincere in his confession.

Broken as I may be by Jacob's incessantly painful past words and actions, I do not feel it is my place to deny one who seems ready to change, especially when he still holds such a significant grasp on my shifty heart. If I myself cannot bear to live in a world void of second chances, I will not face the continual regret over refusing a friend, dangerous as he may be. If I could use this year to grow something beautiful out of the expansive soil of past pain, I would take the admittedly big risk to see it happen as long as Jacob is willing to fight for it too, "whatever it takes."

Lyrics to "Whatever it Takes":

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iawro7IfoCM

"How to Save a Life" by The Fray

I listened to this song today after coming to a shocking realization about the relationship I have with my mom. But because that epiphany struck just a few hours ago, I don't think I'm quite ready to discuss it and will wait a few days until I've had time to process. Instead I will write about the first time I really listened to this song. As you all probably know, there is a difference between hearing a song for the first time and really listening to it. You can't help what you hear on the radio, walking into a store, or on your friend's iPod. But when you take the time to really listen to a song, you allow it to wrench out your raw emotions and expose them to your vulnerable consciousness.

The first time I really listened to this song, I was heading up to my composition lesson at my music school. The Saturday before had been Edward's birthday and a good friend of mine had mentioned that he had been eating lunch alone. For some reason, this image bothered me. I guess his ignoring me in the presence of his friends had made me feel very alone. But somehow the concept of Edward eating his turkey sandwich physically alone on the couch on his birthday did not work for me. At that point, we were not speaking because of lingering awkwardness from the year before. But it just felt like he needed someone to "save" him from the emptiness that my instinct could sense he felt, even if he didn't realize it.

I always viewed Edward somewhat as a lost soul. Because he was not accustomed to the environment in which I and many others around us had grown up, he often felt that he did not fit in. I guess my goal in the beginning was to make him feel welcome and comfortable in the strange world in to which he'd been thrust. I had felt I was accomplishing it pretty well until I started feeling the opposite - uncomfortable, vulnerable and alone. I lost Edward because of my inability to step outside myself and understand the culture from which he'd come - one that because of understandable insecurities was unable to accept those who might sever important community bonds. It seems now as if my immaturity may be one of the reasons I lost him "alone in the bitterness."

At a concert I attended today, a young girl read a slam poem she'd written about a situation similar to my own. She repeatedly described her feelings on the matter as being ones of "pain, love, and regret." Though this girl could not be older than a mere 14 years of age, I thought her description was simply profound. Is that not what we all feel when we have lost what we feel we are meant to have? We feel pain over the loss of an important connection. We feel love towards the memories associated with such connection. And most of all, we regret the actions we performed that resulted in the loss of such connection.

I know I consistently refer to Edward as one for whom I have an unbreakable romantic interest. But in the end, I cannot say that the unfulfilled potential of our romantic relationship is what I miss most. What I miss most are the thousands of debates we had about insignificant topics such as colors or obscure semantics, the discussions we had about our independent but similar future plans to travel, the times we would go spastic laughing over ridiculous stories he'd tell and most of all the way we'd walk to random places, not caring where we ended up or where we were going.

When it comes down to it, the loss I've spent way too many blogs trying to describe can be summed up in a few words: "I've lost a friend."

Lyrics to "How to Save a Life":


Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And I pray to God he hears you
And I pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
You will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmFi2snLr7o

"Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls

I am writing this now in a state of depression. My head is literally reeling. I feel slightly nauseated. The blaring lights produced by the cars on the highway are definitely not helping. I just got into a fight with my mom about a pretty sensitive issue and as a result have spent the past several minutes hearing myself be called a "narcissist", and several other things that I hope you are never called.

I know that teenagers by definition have multiple moments during which home seems like an oppressive environment from which they need to escape. Ironically, the teenagers that feel the most this way tend to be the most privileged. I fall under that category. But in this case, regardless of who I am or how I might have acted, I feel alone. Every time my mom calls me such terms, thoughts begin to race through my head suggesting that perhaps because I am an arrogant, self-servient "princess" I do not have the right to be happy in life or to achieve my current goals. I know that at some point, I have to stop these thoughts from continuing to bring me down but because I never know how much I am in the right and she is in the wrong or vice versa, I can never decide when to stop beating myself up and regain my bearings.

The reason I selected "Iris" to help portray my current situation is quite complicated, but I will do my best to explain. During the aftermath of suffocating disagreements such as this one, I always feel that a part of my identity and self-worth has been chipped off. Perhaps this feeling comes from the fact that I am currently planted in a place where my fellow inhabitants do not understand me or where I stand. It's as if I need some proof of who I am coming from someone who knows me well to regain the piece of me that I've lost.

In life, there are very few people who know you, actually know you in the way you would want to be known. I have several friends who know certain sides of me very well or know me through specific experiences. But I know very few people who have thoroughly grasped my essence and could feed it back to me in times like these when I need the favor.

In times such as these, Edward always comes to mind. I know you are tired of hearing about him. The man is not even present and won't be for perhaps an eternity and at least a year. But seeing as he understood practically every side of me in the condensed period of time in which I knew him, it is hard not to rely on his memory to boost me up.

If he were here now, and I were to tell him of my situation, he would not judge me, make any comment, or go on a long tangent about the most recent argument he had with his mom. He would just nod and listen intently until it became time to change the subject. That's how our discussions often went. I would talk about an intense problem I'd been dealing with and he would listen and nod. For a while, it seemed as if he were listening as most people do, tuning in and out with a daydream or perhaps an image of an upcoming meal floating around in the background. But then I'd always be surprised when eight months later, Edward would reference a miniscule sound bite that had come from the depths of one of my rants.

In "Iris", the singer confesses that he does not want the "whole world to see" him because he doesn't "think that they'll understand." Perhaps he feels ashamed as I do about a certain quality within him that tends to rise too quickly to the surface, waiting to be judged. But somehow, in a world where everyone has faults that occasionally, if not frequently, emerge for public view, it feels natural to take comfort in those that have seen you both at your best and at your worst. I cannot take comfort in Edward literally, but somehow knowing that somebody out there understands me comprehensively is vaguely relieving. He could not support my dad in saying that I never give to others because he knows that I was willing to give him everything.

The whole world can never see you for who you are. I can't think of anyone who would want it to. But in such situations when I feel vulnerable and that my ideals are "breaking" around me, it helps to know that somewhere out in the distance, there's someone who "knows who I am."

Lyrics to "Iris":

Verse 1

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
Verse 2

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Verse 3

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

Chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Chorus

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdHnygmMm9I

"Spring Street" by Vanessa Carlton

What I'm about to talk about is a tricky concept. It involves sticky emotions that have nothing to do with guys as the last few have but have everything to do with the complicated ordeal of friendship. The situation I am in now is a confusing one and therefore I am relying on my soulmate Vanessa (who I've never met but whose lyrics have always spoken to me) to help me in expressing it.

In life, it's pretty much impossible to stay in the same place. Events will happen that boost you into the next stage of life and you'll have no choice but to alter your behavior or even identity to fit the situation. Throughout each of these occasions, you find yourself walking down "Spring Street" leaving your past behind as your shifting present accomodates the change.

I have faced many such changes in my life already. But the one arguably closest to my heart is making a choice with the help of my parents not to go back to a music camp that I'd attended for the previous four summers. The camp, called Walden, is a place that I hold responsible for much of my growth as a person as well as a musician. It is the main and possibly sole reason for my unforgettable connection with Edward, a fellow Walden student who I've mentioned continuously in my past few blogs. And it will always be the place that I associate with my childhood; a place full of promise and magic to which my heart will always belong.

However, as I reached my sophomore year in high school, I began to realize that the colleges I sought to attend would not look favorably upon a girl such as me who claims to be an adventurous daredevil but remained for all four years of high school at the same music camp in Dublin, New Hampshire. My heart sought to go back but even my instinct was starting to tell me that it was time to experience something new.

The main issue was that throughout the four years I had spent at Walden, I had forged very strong bonds with two of the girls that had been students ever since or preceding my arrival at the camp. My main worry upon leaving was that a) they would become significantly closer to eachother than to me or b) that they would subconsciously condemn me for my choice.

The first year, after returning from a summer school program also in New Hampshire, I felt little change. Sure it was a little awkward talking on the phone with them during or right after Walden. But in the months that followed, after they came out of the Walden zone, things went relatively back to normal. However, this year, the second year I made the same decision not to return to Walden, I attended the Northwestern High School Institute for Journalism. Due to the knowledge I had gained about journalism, myself, and life in general, I came away feeling rather distant from the person I'd been prior to this experience, which was the person with whom my two friends were familiar.

Tonight my two friends and another fellow Waldener who overlapped two years with me called me to have a four-way chat. I was shocked to realize that as soon as I picked up the phone, I felt a nagging desire to get off. I felt as if they were making a pity-call. I did not feel part of the clique that had inevitably been formed for the past two years without me and it seemed unnatural to pretend I could relate when every other sentence reminded me how much of an outcast I had become.

Even though I know that the bonds I formed with these two girls could never be extinguished, I can't help from feeling that our connection is dying. While at Walden, I was probably more attached to the place itself than either of my two friends were. I took long solo walks to random areas off-campus. Often times, when they were hanging out on the campus quad, I would disappear to the rambling forest below. However, in letting go, I recognized the permanent impact Walden had and would always have on me as a result of my temporary stay. I realized that returning year after year to re-establish my love for the place as opposed to fostering new life changing experiences was completely unnecessary because the place would remain regardless a concrete element in my life.

I admit the choice to leave Walden was not an easy one and my parents pretty much had to pull me out of my obsession in order to help me make it. But I cannot even imagine who I would be had I not been given the opportunity to learn about myself in the following two settings. I look forward to seeing who my friends will be once they have given themselves the opportunity to branch out and see more of the world.

Often when my friends revert back to Walden-speak during our phone conversations, I feel as if they are strangers whom I have left behind like dropped stitches in a knitting pattern. In walking down "Spring Street", I feel that I might have lost something precious to me and I hope beyond all belief that this is just a phase that will grow itself out as my friends and I experience new things in the life that stretches out before us all.

The choices we are forced to make for our own benefits are not always easy. Sometimes our instinct commands us to make decisions that our hearts would beg us not to make. However, choices that are difficult to make are often more rewarding than those that allow you to remain in your comfort zone.

Lyrics to "Spring Street"

Nah, nah-nah-nah, nah nah nah
Nah, nah-nah-nah, nah nah nah

I was heading down to Spring Street with a suitcase in my hand
Filled with love and life and grand illusion,
I knew you'd understand
I left you by the stairwell
And your eyes were wet with tears
Mother you knew you had to let me go,
Even after all these years

And we sing
Nah, nah-nah-nah, nah nah nah
She said
Nah-nah-nahnah nah nah nah
Walk on
Nah-nah nah, nah, nah nah nah
You're alright
Nah-nah, nah, nah nah nah nah

And I found myself a new life
I've been living with some friends
We hold on to dreams and live like kings,
Like the days will never end
I left him by the statue and his eyes were filled with tears
Lover you knew you had to let me go
Even after all these years
And we sing

Nah-nahnah-nah nah nah nah
He said
Nah-nah, nah, nah, nah nah nah
Walk on
Nah-nah, nah, nah, nah nah nah
You're alright
Nah-nah, nah, nah nah nah nah

Everything changes friends become strangers
What we hold so dear slips away
The past keeps on fading,
But I'll never forget you
It's hard to see that you're a part of me
Even when we have to say

Nah-nah, nah, nah,nah nah nah
Walk on
Nah-nah, nah, nah nah nah nah nah
We sing
Nah-nah, nah, nah, nah nah nah
Well alright
Nah-nah, nah, nah nah nah nah

And I moved out of the city
To start a family of my own
When I look into my daughter's eyes,
I don't feel so alone
And as I walk her down to Spring Street
She holds on to my hand
Mother you knew my eyes would be wet with tears and now I understand

Nah-nah, nah, nah, nah nah nah
And I said
Nah-nah, nah, nah, nah nah nah
Walk on
Nah-nah, nah, nah, nah nah nah
Thank you
Nah-nah, nah, nah, nah nah nah
Walk on,
You're alright
Can't hold on
Nah-nah,nah, nah, nah nah nah

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btpdfRihylU

"God is a DJ" by Pink

So if someone were to approach me and tell me that God is a DJ, I'm not sure how I'd react. I am not conventionally religious and I prefer to follow a belief system that I call "Instinct Destiny". Basically, in my opinion, there are forces in the world that attempt to place a person where they are meant to be. However, these forces cannot be implemented without a person's being aware of the their impact and acting accordingly. The forces strive to reach people through their instincts, otherwise known as the gut feelings we sometimes get when making decisions. Several people deny these instincts and therefore are planted farther from their supposed fate. Getting closer to our fates involves paying close attention to our instincts and acting in harmony with them even when our desires conflict.

The presence of an omniscient God does not match this belief system. So you might be wondering why I've related to a song that features God as a major character. I guess to me, the presence of God is irrelevant to the underlying message of the song. The general aura of this song paraphrases the realization I came to today about how I want to lead my life this year.

In yesterday's blog, I introduced my lasting feelings for a mysterious man who for the purposes of this blog I will call Edward. However, though Edward may and hopefully will play a significant part in my future, it's most likely he won't return to my scene for at least a year. Therefore, I have two options for senior year: I can either a) refuel my relationship with my arrogant yet temptingly attractive ex-boyfriend Jacob or b) open up to the many people around me and learn as much as I can before heading off to college. Though getting back together with Jacob is undeniably tempting because of the physical connection I've established with him, I have decided that this option would probably be detrimental to my health and growth as a person. Opening up to the many people that come into my life as Jacob did last year and Edward did before him will only give me more opportunities to learn and let destiny play a leading part in this year of unknowns.

I do not believe in the concept of God. But I am prepared to let destiny be my DJ for this year and choose widespread knowledge over definitive attachment. Instead of pushing my limits in terms of commitment, I plan to explore life as a "dance floor" and have a bit more relaxed fun. This has never been my approach in the past but seeing how my previous philosophy of commitment has not been particularly successful, I want to temporarily give it up, especially when I have no intention of putting Edward on an invisible backburner once again.

I guess today's entry is pretty simple and doesn't require a lot of explanation. But it will have its echoes. You'll see. =)

Lyrics to "God is a DJ"

I've been the girl with her skirt pulled high
Been the outcast never running with mascara eyes
Now I see the world as a candy store
With a cigarette smile, saying things you can't ignore
Like Mommy I love you
Daddy I hate you
Brother I need you
Lover, hey "fuck you"
I can see everything here with my third eye
Like the blue in the sky

[CHORUS:]
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you're given
It's all how you use it

[Verse 2:]
I've been the girl- middle finger in the air
Unaffected by rumors, the truth: I don't care
So open your mouth and stick out your tongue
You might as well let go, you can't take back what you've done
So find a new lifestyle
A new reason to smile
Look for Nirvana
Under the strobe lights
Sequins and sex dreams
You whisper to me
There's no reason to cry

[CHORUS:]
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you're given
It's all how you use it

[BRIDGE:]
You take what you get and you get what you give
I say don't run from yourself, man, that's no way to live
I've got a record in my bag you should give it a spin
Lift your hands in the air so that life can begin

If God Is a DJ... If God
If God is a DJ (life is a dance floor)
Get your ass on the dance floor

[CHORUS (2X):]
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you're given
It's all how you use it

Link to music video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwRwA5gFvGU

"Standing Still" by Jewel

A lot of people seem to adopt the mantra "Ignorance is Bliss" in order to protect themselves from what haunts them in the outside world or even worse, what haunts them inside themselves. The vulnerability that results from opening yourself up to your own thoughts is very tempting to avoid because often the thoughts you are thinking are ones that you are not sure you want to be or even should be thinking.

For me, "Standing Still", depicts perfectly the feeling of vulnerability that results when you've opened yourself up to another person who seems tolerant at best of your existence yet unresponsive when you try and underline it for him. This song is particularly relevant today because today is the first day in a while that I have officially accepted my lasting feelings for a lovely yet utterly confusing man who I will refer to as Edward.

Now Edward has been in my life for a while but he has an overwhelming tendency to slip away. Fortunately, or unfortunately as the case may be, he has an even more overwhelming tendency to return in some shape or form. This time, he has returned not in person, but as a future hope and a memory that I currently glance favorably upon (this has not always been the case).

The problem with Edward and my twisted relationship is that our feelings have never been lastingly defined because they are too unmanageable and volatile to contain in a permanent manner. Because of this, we can never decide whether our feelings fall under the category of love, hate or neither.

During the period that I was dating Jacob, the arrogant yet for a while compensatingly attractive ex-boyfriend I mentioned earlier, Edward slipped away for what until recently seemed the final time. He went off to college while I am remaining here one more year and the school he chose was not one I had looked into yet. I hadn't really looked into any carefully at the time. But after I by coincidence spent some time at the school for a summer program, I fell madly in love and independent of Edward decided that I could rightfully attend no other place. This left me, when I thought about it, in a very vulnerable situation. Things were falling apart with Jacob and my guilt over the loss of Edward due to mere teenage immaturity began to move through me until I was forced to recognize it.

After talking over the situation with Anya last night, I came to realize that Edward is someone who at least it seems I am not meant to lose. And the feelings that I had cached away deep inside me were bubbling again to the forefront. I feel comfortable and at home with the whole deal because I have accepted my true emotions and know with all honesty that I am not lying to myself. However, I am nagged a bit by the notion that this is going nowhere and that I am undeniably "Standing Still" in some form because Edward has never been the type to confirm any type of lasting connection through words and definitely not email which is the only way I'd currently be able to reach him.

What I would like to believe is that though I am "Standing Still" in the way that I cannot develop a concrete understanding with Edward, I am not entirely "Standing Still." I can't discard the notion that wherever he is right now, he may in fact be thinking of me and regretting the hopefully temporary loss of this connection in the same way I do. If that's true, from an omniscent perspective, neither of us is "Standing Still". If the feelings that intially sparked this whole ordeal endure, no matter how deeply buried, perhaps we are moving closer to the next period of understanding. And maybe this period would last longer than the previous ones. One can only hope that such a rare and unforgettable gem didn't forever "pass me by."

Standing Still lyrics
Cutting through the darkest night are my two headlights
Trying to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here
To the twilight
There's a dead end to my left
There's a burning bush to my right
You aren't in sight
You aren't in sight

Do you want me
Like I want you?
Or am I standing still
Beneath the darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you
Passing my by

Mother's on the stoop
Boys in souped up coupes
On this hot summer night
Between fight and flight
Is the blind man's sight
And a choice that's right
I roll the window down
Feel like I'm
I'm gonna drown
In this strange town
Feel broken down
I feel broken down
Do you need me
Like I need you

Or am I standing still
Beneath the darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you
Passing my by

A sweet sorrow is
The call tomorrow
A sweet sorrow is
The call tomorrow

Do you love me
Like I love you?

Or am I standing still
Beneath the darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner
Of my eye
Was that you
Passing me by?

Are you passing me by?
Passing me by
Do you want me?
Passing me by

Do you need me
Like I need you too
And do you want me
Like I want you?
Passing me by

Are you passing me by
Or am I standing still?

"Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat

Two days ago, I was dealing with the aftermath of a catastrophic break-up with a guy who I thought would stick around for longer than 3 months. I guess stick around may be the wrong term because I was actually the one who booted him out for being arrogant and bringing me down. I had been praying for a friend to come and rescue me and the one who did is not surprisingly my friend Anya, with whom I have the strangest yet most amazing connection.

Anya and I met as composers at an intense pre-college program and after we had found similarities in the patterns of our love lives, started to find even more fascinating similarities within ourselves. It's funny how the value of a friend can have little to do with the time they've been in your life. Anya's only been in mine for two years, but the echoes of her impact are endless and feel as if they have reached back through time.

Today as I prepare to head off on a train to go visit her, "Bubbly" is running through my head because it is the first song out of many that Anya and I bonded over. We were in a practice room with a few friends and realized, not to our surprise, that this song had been stuck in our heads for the entirety of the week. We were dealing with feelings for two shockingly similar mysterious guys who in essence did make us feel "Bubbly" and for the entirety of that seemingly temporary period in our lives, that song did its duty in making us feel that "tingle" whenever we listened.

"Bubbly", paired with the glimmers of flashing trees, made me think about a comment in Colbie's blog about what several of her listeners tend to realize. Colbie had said, "People tell me ‘Bubbly’ made them realize that they weren’t in love with their boyfriend because their boyfriend doesn’t give them those feelings in the song."

Though this wasn't Colbie's intention in writing the song, it is true that "Bubbly" does create a mirage of perfect feelings that a girl would want to feel about the person she's with. Because it is within the nature of listening to a love song to juxtapose on top of it your current love life, it becomes pretty obvious if the emotions don't match up.

I've found from experience that convincing yourself of feelings never works in the long run. The same barriers preventing you from feeling "Bubbly" about a person will always stay in place because of the natural chemistry between the two of you. I'm not saying that a relationship doesn't take work beyond a solid natural chemistry. But if you're not feeling "Bubbly" from the get-go, something's probably already destined for failure. What a lot of listeners seem to be realizing from listening to Colbie's song is that they've been settling for something less than their emotional potential.

Seeing as I've been doing a lot of settling recently, I hope that ingraining "Bubbly" permanently in my history as a love-song listener turned blogger will remind me that it may be better to be temporarily alone than to settle for something less than what will "stay for awhile."

Lyrics to Bubbly :
Will you count me in?

V1: I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feelin like a child now
cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

C: It starts in my toes
and I crinkle my nose
where ever it goes I always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

V2: The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under covers stayin dry *(safe) and warm
you give me feelins that I adore

C: It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

B: What am I gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just........mmmmmm

C: It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

V3: I've been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

C: It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever you go, I'll always know
Cause you make me smile here, just for a while

Link to Music Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PWfB4lurT4