"Whatever it Takes" by Lifehouse

I know that in my previous blogs I've devoted a lot of time talking about a guy named Edward. If this is the first blog of mine you are reading, scroll down a few inches and you will understand quickly what I am talking about. But today is different. As those who have read my college essays or supplements will know, everything in my life tends to come in some form of duality so it is understandable that the Edward story is not the only story I have to tell.

Today, I am going to speak about someone who in my previous blogs I have only mentioned sporadically in passing. Until today, the depression surrounding my thoughts on this person was still too near and dealing with it openly to myself and to you would not have been wise. However, a conversation that took place this morning between me and the guy, who you know from previous blogs as Jacob, released a portion of the pain that had initially barred me from speaking.

Jacob came to me right at the time at which I needed him. I was suffering from a depression similar to the one I'm going through now and I came to realize, though I feel I knew it subconsciously all along, that his reassuring words, albeit on AIM, were what I needed to fill the gap I'd been falling into. We'd been friends, but we got closer. It got to the point where everyday, we spoke via some means of online communication. I've never told him this, but I got into the habit of saving our AIM conversations on file. I did it once and afterwards it just became a natural impulse to click the button. It was as if my instinct knew I would need them later on to juxtapose as a flawless foil on top of what was to come.

Jacob was never too unsure of himself. Often, as we spent more time talking, after we'd expanded our means of communication to include both phone and in person interaction, I got the feeling he viewed himself as superior to me and everyone else around us. Attractive as he is, I often was able to ignore this heavy feeling when physically with him. But online or on the phone, I began to realize that aside from our relationship, Jacob was dating a different girl in his head; a glorified version of me; one who achieved perfect test scores and grades, went to his top choice college, and was extraordinary at everything. I may be wrong, but it seems like girls typically search for guys who value them for who they are. I didn't think I was any different.

Over the summer, while at the Northwestern program I mentioned in a previous blog, I began to see this disconcerting side of Jacob more and more. This Jacob was all I had. And he was all I would have for the two more months. I saw an unsettling summer span before me - one in which I was lonely while not being alone, neglected while supposedly in a special position, and hurt when I should be loved. The conversations Jacob and I had concerning his nonchalance towards me would only push things further - he'd be further bewildered by my unpredictable reactions and I'd be further hurt by the callous words he chucked at me. A recent email saying that "he expected too much of me" when I refused to complacently accept his clear ignorance towards me and that I intruded on his "trying to continue his life, peacefully without tension" still sends icy shivers down my vulnerable spine.

This song becomes relevant to this situation when after a few brief email exchanges, Jacob and I spoke for the first time in days on AIM this morning. I did not expect him to apologize for his past remarks. I just hoped to heal some of the ever-brewing tension I knew would not benefit our music school community in the fall. However, his apology, appearing more sincere than most apologies from past-offenders, took me by surprised and called for a hearing. He said he'd realized what he'd done and that though he could not currently prove his epiphany valid, I would in time become aware of its effect. He explained wholeheartedly what he believed to be the causes of the words and actions that broke me and I listened further, still unsure of how to react. As Lifehouse's protagonist describes, Jacob said he was hoping to "let me in even though it hurts."

Though I am aware of its implications on my self-image, the truth remains that my feelings for Jacob have not yet waned after our previous painful discourses. Despite the overwhelming hurt I feel, I am still able to view Jacob as the guy I loved in the beginning for being dynamic and multi-talented, spontaneous and engaging, with what seemed to be an open heart. And I hope, as a traitor to my pride, that he is sincere in his confession.

Broken as I may be by Jacob's incessantly painful past words and actions, I do not feel it is my place to deny one who seems ready to change, especially when he still holds such a significant grasp on my shifty heart. If I myself cannot bear to live in a world void of second chances, I will not face the continual regret over refusing a friend, dangerous as he may be. If I could use this year to grow something beautiful out of the expansive soil of past pain, I would take the admittedly big risk to see it happen as long as Jacob is willing to fight for it too, "whatever it takes."

Lyrics to "Whatever it Takes":

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iawro7IfoCM