"Standing Still" by Jewel

A lot of people seem to adopt the mantra "Ignorance is Bliss" in order to protect themselves from what haunts them in the outside world or even worse, what haunts them inside themselves. The vulnerability that results from opening yourself up to your own thoughts is very tempting to avoid because often the thoughts you are thinking are ones that you are not sure you want to be or even should be thinking.

For me, "Standing Still", depicts perfectly the feeling of vulnerability that results when you've opened yourself up to another person who seems tolerant at best of your existence yet unresponsive when you try and underline it for him. This song is particularly relevant today because today is the first day in a while that I have officially accepted my lasting feelings for a lovely yet utterly confusing man who I will refer to as Edward.

Now Edward has been in my life for a while but he has an overwhelming tendency to slip away. Fortunately, or unfortunately as the case may be, he has an even more overwhelming tendency to return in some shape or form. This time, he has returned not in person, but as a future hope and a memory that I currently glance favorably upon (this has not always been the case).

The problem with Edward and my twisted relationship is that our feelings have never been lastingly defined because they are too unmanageable and volatile to contain in a permanent manner. Because of this, we can never decide whether our feelings fall under the category of love, hate or neither.

During the period that I was dating Jacob, the arrogant yet for a while compensatingly attractive ex-boyfriend I mentioned earlier, Edward slipped away for what until recently seemed the final time. He went off to college while I am remaining here one more year and the school he chose was not one I had looked into yet. I hadn't really looked into any carefully at the time. But after I by coincidence spent some time at the school for a summer program, I fell madly in love and independent of Edward decided that I could rightfully attend no other place. This left me, when I thought about it, in a very vulnerable situation. Things were falling apart with Jacob and my guilt over the loss of Edward due to mere teenage immaturity began to move through me until I was forced to recognize it.

After talking over the situation with Anya last night, I came to realize that Edward is someone who at least it seems I am not meant to lose. And the feelings that I had cached away deep inside me were bubbling again to the forefront. I feel comfortable and at home with the whole deal because I have accepted my true emotions and know with all honesty that I am not lying to myself. However, I am nagged a bit by the notion that this is going nowhere and that I am undeniably "Standing Still" in some form because Edward has never been the type to confirm any type of lasting connection through words and definitely not email which is the only way I'd currently be able to reach him.

What I would like to believe is that though I am "Standing Still" in the way that I cannot develop a concrete understanding with Edward, I am not entirely "Standing Still." I can't discard the notion that wherever he is right now, he may in fact be thinking of me and regretting the hopefully temporary loss of this connection in the same way I do. If that's true, from an omniscent perspective, neither of us is "Standing Still". If the feelings that intially sparked this whole ordeal endure, no matter how deeply buried, perhaps we are moving closer to the next period of understanding. And maybe this period would last longer than the previous ones. One can only hope that such a rare and unforgettable gem didn't forever "pass me by."

Standing Still lyrics
Cutting through the darkest night are my two headlights
Trying to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here
To the twilight
There's a dead end to my left
There's a burning bush to my right
You aren't in sight
You aren't in sight

Do you want me
Like I want you?
Or am I standing still
Beneath the darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you
Passing my by

Mother's on the stoop
Boys in souped up coupes
On this hot summer night
Between fight and flight
Is the blind man's sight
And a choice that's right
I roll the window down
Feel like I'm
I'm gonna drown
In this strange town
Feel broken down
I feel broken down
Do you need me
Like I need you

Or am I standing still
Beneath the darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you
Passing my by

A sweet sorrow is
The call tomorrow
A sweet sorrow is
The call tomorrow

Do you love me
Like I love you?

Or am I standing still
Beneath the darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner
Of my eye
Was that you
Passing me by?

Are you passing me by?
Passing me by
Do you want me?
Passing me by

Do you need me
Like I need you too
And do you want me
Like I want you?
Passing me by

Are you passing me by
Or am I standing still?