"Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap

Precisely. The words racing through my head. "Where are we?" "What the hell is going on?"
These are the words of my pitiful and scrambled goodbye. If any of you are reading this, you must be laughing at my stupidity; my willingness to believe in people even when I know in my heart that they are not to be trusted.

My instinct told me not to believe Jacob when he confessed to me yesterday. When I read over what I'd saved of what he said, I got a sick feeling in my stomach that could not have possibly boded well. But I ignored it and tried with my mind to wrench away the impulses and convince myself of the half-hearted lies Jacob had put forth. The message I recieved from Anya in my box today was desperate. Not in a bad way - but in a way that someone who loves you pleads you not to do something they know will hurt you. She told me that if I was even thinking about getting back together with Jacob, I shouldn't because whatever he could have said could only have been a ploy to get me back and he didn't mean it. I got online feeling a bit unsure, wondering who to believe. My instinct immediately pounced on the situation. When have I ever had any reason not to trust Anya? She knows me like the beat of her own heart - just as I know her. Yet somehow, I decided to defy this impulse too. You know the saying: Three strikes you're out. Fortunately, Jacob saved me from defying my instinct yet again.

He told me that he had rethought what he had said to me yesterday and from that moment on I knew that I was heading for trouble. I fought with him - relentlessly this time - and watched him call me "mean", "bitchy", and "stubborn". The words flashed to the screen like pathetic like seeds falling to the kitchen floor when you scrape out a pumpkin.

So yes...I fell. I fell in my judgement. I fell in getting together with Jacob in the first place. Back in February, when I fell for him, I gave way too little thought to the matter. It was clear that I only wanted some available gauze to heal the wound that Edward had given me. And there Jacob stood before me: tall, handsome, seemingly sweet, seemingly just what I needed.

Is it possible that I could have miscalculated? My belief that people could change so easily seemed to have gotten to me. I wanted beyond all words to help Jacob grow out of his arrogance but in retracting his offer to give me in turn what I need, he has lost all claim to my help and to the heart that truly in part could have belonged to him.

So here's my wisdom to those dealing with a similar situation:

You must realize that if somebody waits until they lose you to care, he is not giving you the time of day despite whatever flowery words he uses to put forth his apology. He is just wanting to win the game that you unknowingly have become a part of. You need to get the hell out of this game immediately.

You must always follow your instinct and those (like Anya) who love and truly care about your wellbeing. If you ever have to doubt if someone cares or has your best interest at heart, they probably don't - at least not as much as you'd like them to. Granted, some people are harder to analyze and take longer to reveal their emotions. But you still should have some signs that at least do not point in the opposite direction.

You must keep those who you love close to you. Because if they slip away, you will end up having to pay for it by getting yourself into crummy situations like this one. To Edward wherever you are out there: I am sorry and I promise if you ever grant me a second chance, it will most likely be less of a waste than my grant to Jacob and hopefully not a waste at all.

I will wait until I am of a saner mind to discuss further issues of trust and instinct. As of now, seeing as I always tend to end these blogs with a quote: "What the hell".

Lyrics to "Hide and Seek":

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah of course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cpSv2mNhhc