"Falling Slowly" from the movie "Once"

It's funny. I was going to use this song a while back I think. My fascination with it began on the last day of the summer program I attended at my top choice college. We were packing. None of us wanted to leave. This song was playing on my friend's loudspeaker. I'd had it on my iPod for a while but hadn't listened. But that soon changed.

I can't believe I'm writing this blog now. I never thought I would. I thought I was doing fine - following my instinct, letting it take me to new shores, new people and a new life. However, when I started getting closer to fulfilling a defining part of this new life, I started to back away. I can't fully tell you why. I like the guy. He seems cool and nice and awesome. If it had been another time in our lives, I know for sure that we would have gone out and been really happy. However, at this time, my instinct just isn't pushing for it. I don't have the strength to go after him. He isn't moving quickly enough towards me and even if he were, I wouldn't have the strength to respond. Nothing has happened that's concrete enough to make my backing away a moral issue. I just am astounded because I have never been the one to back away. I'm always the one to push. Now I'm finding myself at a different stage of life: more mature, jaded and full of perspective.

It is my instinct that has given me this perspective - the same instinct that has guided me consistently for the past few months. It is this instinct that has prevented me from concretely acting on this connection I have - because I know see that it's not the path I'm meant to take.

Over the summer, while at my top choice school, I made a silly mistake. I broke up with my boyfriend for no reason other than the fact that I was restless. The spiteful battles of anger that ensued after were a result of our hurt and dislike for the current situation. None of it was supposed to happen. In going against instinct, I harmed myself and him and the dynamic of our relationship. It was in essence a working relationship between two immature people. It turned into a bitter fight and the immaturity sent it way over the edge. The reason I cannot move on with my life is because I am not meant to. You can say that he is preventing me from leading a lovely new life with lovely new people and a new hope. But in fact, my feelings for him are the blame and I know now that they are not and are not meant to go away.

So why did I choose this song? I know why. I'm not ready to share it because of the immense impact this decision has on my life. But you might be able to decipher. What I will say is that life is short - too short to hold grudges, too short to shun people you love for little reason at all, too short to force the expelling of feelings that are not meant to be expelled. This year is important to me. Of all the many ways in which I could spend it, my instinct is pointing towards one. And it is right. Life is too short not to rethink. And there's "still time" to do so, but not much so it's time I "take this sunken boat and point it home."

Lyrics to "Falling Slowly":

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc

"Fall to Pieces" by Matt Nathanson

There are some things that occur in my life that would surely make me "fall to pieces." Not getting into my top choice school that I applied to today would do the job easily. Not getting my album recorded by the end of the year would be a downer as well.

Today was a tumultuous day for me. I applied to a huge arts competition. Everything was a catastrophe but I finally submitted it even though the Fed-Ex people were very clear about the dangers of sending a package past 8 pm. Apparently, the lady who picks the packages up is vicious and lashes out profusely at late-comers. I could see the fear in their faces as they described her demeanor.

This competition is a big deal to me. I can't say I would "fall to pieces" if I didn't win. For music competition, judging is subjective. I know I'm at a high enough level to be a good candidate for the grand prize. However, I could never be sure that they would choose me over someone like him, who is equally qualified. He was the one who told me about this competition last year before we got close and vulnerable and hurt. Applying, for some reason, brought me back to where I was when he brought himself and the idea of this competition into the picture. There was so much hope and potential. It got shattered by our immaturities that I feel have petered out at least to some extent.

I've been trying for months to ignore his existence or at least come to peace with it through a variety of round-a-bout ways. None of them have worked. I still have that unquenchable emotion of pure love that creeps in like an evening sunset as a backdrop to all of my contradicting plans. I see my year flash before me. I see myself leave to the Midwest having left things the same with him as they are now. It doesn't feel right - to leave myself unable to give him a proper goodbye. I know this and my instinct knows it as well. It is the only explanation for the pain that I feel when seeing him walk through the halls. It is the only explanation for the gut-wrenching choking emotion I feel when he looks at me.

I'm not saying he was perfect. He has issues. I had issues as well. But what am I supposed to do? Leave my feelings for him in the dust, saying "You have issues and therefore you are not good for me?" Yes that's what self-help books and many people would tell me to do. But my instinct has been nagging at me for way too long. I am trying to go against it but all I am doing is making things more difficult for myself. He may be dangerous. I may get hurt. But it's hurt for someone who knows me - for someone who is and has long been worthwhile. Tell me I am crazy. I am. I have always been crazy and you all know it. But I cannot leave this portion of my life with a chock-full of regret backing me up. My instinct has spoken. And I am prepared to listen. This is my path. It may not be the easiest, but it's the one I am meant to follow and I will follow it best I can. I would "fall to pieces if you never came back".

Lyrics to "Fall to Pieces":

So I wear you out...
So who would've thought that you'd still be here now

And I swore dear
That I never
Wanted to be
Any better
Than your weakest moment

Now
Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back?
Tear it all apart
Til there was nothing left
Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back...
Spent so long waiting here

This was all sweet once
When I was fingertips and innocence

And too scared to
Let go I had my
Arms thread through
The pretty holes
Of your most romantic line

Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back?
Tear it all apart
Til there was nothing left
Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back
Spent so long waiting here

And I've watched them all move through you
Yeah, I've watched them all let you down.

It's do you
And don't you
Cause I won't forget you
You filled me with nothing
It felt so good
It'll all come out some day

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-_sIdan4eI&feature=PlayList&p=D167393AB9FF4FCB&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=37

"Fearless" by Taylor Swift

I have a lot of things to say, but first, I will fill you in on yesterday's decree. It was a good day. It started out miserable and confusing but ended up being wonderful. I wore no makeup yesterday - a positive decision because everyone could see my eyes' true color. I was wearing all purple except for my pants, which were black corduroys.

Walking into chorus, I felt a strange feeling pass over me. Something felt amiss. I had seen Stewart, but something didn't register. It's as if I didn't care even though my waking mind knew on some level that I did. My friend Sadie was standing next to me in the alto section. I described to her my dilemma and her analysis was something that all of you have probably seen all along but to which I had been blind.

She said that I was the problem. It wasn't him. It wasn't his feelings, which are clearly there. It's mine. My feelings for Stewart, in her opinion, had been more of a fact and less an emotion. I just didn't have enough will to make something start. I like him, yes, but it wasn't enough. Class ended and we took the elevator up to the 5th floor. He would never hurt me, she said. There are no cons in terms of my going out with him or taking the situation to the next level. But why should I do it if my heart isn't all into it, she wondered. Won't I just end up more confused?

She was right. The more I thought about Sadie's analysis, the more I realized that I was the problem. Stewart wished me happy birthday four times. He's interested in my life. The sparkle in his eyes show his true feelings. It's me that sends the wrong messages. I talk about him in my blog - to my friends occasionally. But I can't bring myself to treat him as any more than a friend. Sure he knows I'm interested in knowing about him and including him in my life - at least he should know. But he doesn't know that I'm interested on a higher level. I've given no indication. By treating his signs as natural, almost negligible occurrences, I've put myself out as a flirtatious but noncommittal girl who may be interested but not to a significant level. He might know I'm interested from another source, but even then, the signs aren't matching up.

Tantalized by this philosophy and other harsh external factors, my day was quite the mess. However, at studio class, things began to change. He approached me after class and asked how my orchestra piece was coming along. I looked him in the eye and told him it was going well. I left Juilliard a few minutes later. My mom and I went across the street to get some food. It was pouring and I didn't have a jacket - just the purple cotton shrug that served as a horrible absorber of water. As soon as we left the cafe, I had a feeling I was going to see him. The thunder rolled and the sky emitted a sharp ray of cornflower light. My mom and I were laughing. I glanced across the crosswalk and there he was. He had a black umbrella and he approached me on my side of the crosswalk. I stared at him, frozen, and he smiled, waved, and whispered hi. It was a closed smile at first. But then I said "hey", in a tone probably to incredulous for my own good. He smiled bigger now, saw my mom, glanced down still smiling and kept walking.

It started to pour. Gushes of water plummeted harshly on my barely covered shoulders. When we got into the cab, I texted him, "blaming" him and our encounter for the drenched and sorry state of my clothes and possessions. He texted back saying that I was to blame too.

I started to realize the gravity of my contribution to the stagnancy of the relationship. I don't know him. I never knew him. I still don't. The only way for me to move forward in my head and with him is to start. And it's my move. It's my turn to shuffle the cards and ask him to hang out. Only then can I know. What's so heady about coffee anyway? This epiphany, paired with the rain, washed me clear of the past I'd been so heavily caught up in. It was time to move forward. It was time for me, "in a storm in my best dress" to be "fearless."

Lyrics to "Fearless":

There's somethin' 'bout the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement
Walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah
Oh yeah

We're drivin' down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

So baby drive slow
'til we run out of road in this one horse town
I wanna stay right here in this passenger's seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture it, remember it

Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Well you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss,
It's flawless,
Really something,
It's fearless.

Oh yeah
And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Yeah
I don't know how
Oh yeah yeah

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFd55zl1e6k

"Unknown" by Me =)

Alright so my blog can't be very long tonight. I got back from dinner with my grandparents and I have to wake up at 6:40 tomorrow. However, I want to briefly talk about randomness. It's an important topic, considering my current situation and in life in general.

Life is a string of ordinary days that have a consistent potential to become more than for what they're originally set up. I have often said that I can predict the future. In many cases I can and have. However, setting forth a math parallel, a graph that has a continuous and predictable slope in one quadrant can take a sharp turn in another. The evening when I called Connor for the last time merged into the day I was hit over the head with feelings for Edward. The day I swore I'd never develop feelings for anyone else but Edward was the day I turned around and saw Jacob in a new light. The afternoon in August when I woke up from a nap pining for Jacob ended in an evening filled with romantic possibility with Stewart. Perhaps the future can be predicted in some cases, but instinct in many cases bounces tracks from day to day.

The tracks on which my instinct bids me run seem quite random at times. In terms of my top choice college, I have a feeling I was always meant to go there. I had it in the back of my mind since I was 12. I guess it's true that Stewart was the first person I remember noticing at Juilliard my first day. He happens to be in my cello studio. He happened to have attended the same week-long camp I did. But this whole connection still seems quite random. How can I expect to breach the gap and ask him out to even something so simple as coffee when I barely know the guy? We've never spent more than 10 minutes alone and even then it wasn't planned. Who am I to reach out and add concrete plans to a connection that has thus far been spontaneous? It seems in a way that I'm going against nature. I can promise you that when my heart took such an unexpected turn, it did not mean to get stuck in yet another complicated situation. However, if I let things flow without interfering, nothing will happen and the purpose of this connection will never be fulfilled. That is - assuming there is a purpose. Now I'm really confusing myself.

Tomorrow, Saturday, is the first deciding factor in terms of whether I am going to proceed to quickly breach this randomness or wait until it seems more timely. I must pay close attention to my instinct at the end of the day. If I stick with it, I will be protected from harm. If I rationalize myself away from the proper path, I will only end up in useless heartbreak. The future may not be clear, but it is in enough of my control such that I can prevent unnecessary turmoils from taking place. I wish for the best of guidance tomorrow as I tackle the Unknown.

Lyrics to "Unknown":

Look to the dark

The road that lies ahead

One step and you're gone

The past you've rendered dead

You're on your own with the unknown

And all that's left unsaid

A shady road leads down below

The truths that you've been fed

No one knows

Where you'll end up

The future is not clear

The sheltered portion of your life

Is bound to finish here

Detachment from the present

That the future will demand

Marks the line where one stage ends

And the next begins

Look to the light

These eyes that shone for you

Fade to the stars

As you travel through the gloom

You're on your own with the unknown

And it'll be a blast

Enough to make you solidly

Turn your back on the past

But no one knows

Where you'll end up

The future is not clear

There may be much that you regret

But there's tons more left to fear

Detachment from the present

That the future now demands

Marks the start of your journey

Off to distant lands

Look to the sky

That forms your only canopy

Your sheltered self-indulgent world

Is now a memory

You're on your own with the unknown

And chances you have missed

Memories of losses

That you never thought to risk

But no one knows

Where you'll end up

The future is not clear

The sheltered portion of your life
Would always finish here

Detachment from the present

The future always will demand

You mark the line where one stage ends

And the next begins

Miss Independent by Ne-Yo

Girls often wonder what guys find attractive. I guess it varies from guy to guy. A lot of guys tend to favor easy, maybe even desperate girls. They like to do as little work as possible to secure what they feel will be more of an object than an equal companion. However, the best guys, of which Stewart is definitely a part, prefer girls who are friendly, but have their own thing going on. Such guys, because they are guys, seek to be adored. But they don't want to be too adored. They want to compete with a girl's other interests, such as song-writing, composing in general, cello playing, writing, blogging, socializing with other friends etc. That's not to say these guys won't reach below their standards in times of desperation or boredom. That's why it's necessary for my process to move quickly.

Basically, over the course of today, between attending class, writing song-lyrics, and writing the music to such lyrics, I have compiled a flow chart for my investigation in my head. I suppose because it's beneficial to me on the whole, I will share. It is a bit personal, but it is a necessary component of my investigation and the overall management of this project. It is my belief that if you approach every quest as a step-by-step project, life becomes more organized naturally.

Here is a verbal description of my flow chart. I was going to upload a photo file but I'll save that for the next blog.

So basically: I will not initiate communication with Stewart before Saturday (which pretty much means I won't speak to him because if you read my last blog, you know that Stewart's not skilled in initiating electronic communication). Saturday, this means, is a very important day. It marks the beginning of the flow chart.

Saturday's events will spark one of two branches depending on if the day goes well or poorly. This is not a concrete dividing line I admit. However, if I have a negative impulse, I will pursue option 1. If I have a positive impulse concerning the status of the relationship at the end of the day, I will pursue option 2.

Option 1: I wait until November 14th to resume significant communication. In person I must be reserved and online I must refrain from speaking to him unless necessary for band communication. Hopefully by the end of this breather, everything will have reached a more stable place.

Option 2: If Saturday goes reasonably well, the flow chart continues. On Tuesday, I will send the remaining two files to the band. On Thursday, I will chat him on AIM. I will make small talk and then mention that it is strange for Halloween to be on a Saturday. I will ask him if he has any plans back at boarding school. If he does, I will let the case alone and exit the chat when appropriate. If he doesn't have plans, then I will make small talk about my plans (whether they exist or not.) Before leaving the chat, I will mention that my plans do not begin until 6:30 or 7 pm and I will therefore have time to spend hanging around music school. I will ask if he wants to chill a bit and get coffee later. In order to ease the randomness, I will say that "I've been curious lately." He can interpret that statement in whatever way he wills. As long as it pads the randomness of my inquiry, it will have done its job. Based on Stewart's response, this option will split into one of two sub-options.

Option 2a: If Stewart declines my offer, I will hold off on any more offers or significant communication until the next band rehearsal which I'm thinking will be in early December.

Option 2b: If Stewart accepts my offer, I will begin to diagram the next flow chart in my head, and to you all.

The next few days are heavily concerned with the perfection of my college application and my scholarship submission. Because I have planned heavily in advance, I am not freaking out and am in a considerably good place. I will keep you updated on Saturday's turn out.

Miss Independent out. =)

Lyrics to "Miss Independent":

[Verse 1]
Ooh there's somethin about just somethin about the way she's move
And I can't figure it out
there's something about her.
Said ooh it's somethin about kinda woman that want you but don't need you
And I can't figure it out
it's somethin about her
Cause she walk like a boss talk like a boss
Manicured nailed to set the pedicure off
She's fly effortlessly
Cause she move like a boss do what a boss
Do she got me thinkin about gettin involved
That's the kinda girl I need

[Chorus]
She got her own thing
that's why I love her
Miss Independent
Won't you come and spend a little time
She got her own thing that's why I love her
Miss Independent
ooh the way you shine
Miss Independent
yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah

[Verse 2]
Ooh there's somethin about
kinda woman that can do for herself
I look at her and it makes me proud
There's something about her
Somethin oh so sexy about
kinda woman that don't even need my help
She said she got it she got it
No doubt, it's somethin about her
Cause she work like a boss play like a boss
Car and a crib she bouta pay em both off
And the bills are paid on time yeah
She made for a boss only a boss
Anything less she telling them to get lost
That's the girl that's on my mind

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Her favorite thing to say Don't worry I got it
And everything she got best believe she bought it
She gonna steal ma heart ain't no doubt about it
You're everything I need, said you're everything I need
yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

[Chorus]

Miss Independent
That's why I love her

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6coobo3nzQ

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Nickolas Ashford & Valerie Simpson

Uhhh ok...so I'm talking to Stewart now. Or I was. And it's kind of interesting. I guess he works while being on aim and that's why he doesn't give very explicit responses. Or it could be that he's not interested, but the thing is that when we're in the same room the way he interacts with me would suggest that he still is. I am very confused honestly. I feel like I'm just beginning to mark out sketches for an investigative report. No one's been killed so it's a bit of a light case. However, by expressing my focused hypotheses and findings, I hope that I can determine the existence or non-existence of a date-worthy connection.

My belief is that there is no mountain that is too high for me to summit. There are several with which I am too lazy to follow through, as was the case when I last sang this song in relation to a conquest. But if I so choose, there are none that are too high. So I have a new conquest. And I'm not going to fail. Because I'm not going to scale too quickly, too slowly, or get too lazy. You all, by being soundboards for me as I log my findings will be of the utmost help.

So let me state clearly what I know. It's not much but it's a starting point. As a journalist, I know that the research stage is the most important of the investigation. This is where I must remain level-headed, practical and focused so that I do NOT mess up.

Here's what has happened between me and Stewart that indicates that we had a date-worthy connection in the past:

1. The way he looked at me - frequently smiling and focused (it's all in the eyes)

2. The way he, as a clearly shy guy, would come up to hang out in my room for no apparent reason.

3. The way we developed a clearly standing connection in three days.

4. The way he asked if he would see me in two weeks when he clearly was going to

5. The way he told me I played excellently when I clearly did not. That was so unnecessary.

6. The way Georgina told me that she thinks he likes me. I also developed a strong connection with her throughout that short period of time and I therefore know her well enough to know that she would not speak unless she truly believed something.

Here's what indicates that this connection is or has potential to continue:

1. The whole staring, smiling thing is just as prominent.

2. Just last week, he wished me happy birthday four times and seemed eager to talk to me.

3. He's in my band, officially.

4. His mom brings him to music school, but he can stay after because he takes the train home alone afterwards so there is potential to hang out.

Here's what gives me a lot of doubt:

1. Stewart hardly ever initiates conversation during the week. When we're together in the same room he does, but maybe twice he has when we're apart.

2. Tonight he wasn't that into talking. He was warming up but then I stopped initiating conversation and he stopped responding and the conversation died.

3. He hasn't legitimately asked me to hang out.

4. He responds to aim, but not consistently by email or text.

Why I should ignore this doubt and continue hiking:

1. I have only had legit bonding time with this guy for 7 days.

2. I know he isn't the communicative type

3. In person interaction is more of an indicator of a connection than online interaction, which is often plagued by work and other environmental distractions

4. I know hardly ANYTHING about this guy and vice versa! How can I expect him to be head-over-heels in love with me? I'm not yet head-over-heels in love with him! I just love what I see and know which is very little! And he's a guy so he doesn't really think hypothetically. It's going to take a straightforward move from ME the girl to make this happen.

5. People are not consistent. Some days, you catch them in the zone and they're focused on you and ready to delight in your presence. Other days, they're focused on other things and you're primarily a distraction, especially in the early stages of a budding relationship.

6. How would he know if he wants to date me? He hasn't really spent any time with me! And because he doesn't know, he's not inclined to pursue it. People are busy and need legit incentive to break out of their bubbles. That's my job. I'm always out of my bubble. I need to help him out of his if this is ever going to happen.

7. I need to have FAITH in who I am. I'm someone who wins and who in the right mindset and perspective can always win.

8. He is no doubt leading me on when we're together in person. So if I were to make a move, it wouldn't be entirely random or ridiculous.

9. People's minds change. Even if he isn't entirely into me now, that doesn't mean he won't be soon. There's definitely enough of a connection and attraction on his end to foster something larger if given a cue.

So. Here's the information I have for the most part. It's not much, but putting it down here has helped me organize my thoughts and realize how ridiculous my doubts are in the overall scheme of this potential relationship. I have a goal and an investigation to carry out. So I'm going to climb. And this time, I'm not stopping midway.

Lyrics to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough":

Listen, baby
Ain't no mountain high
Ain't no vally low
Ain't no river wide enough, baby
If you need me, call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry
'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Remember the day
I set you free
I told you
You could always count on me
From that day on I made a vow
I'll be there when you want me
Some way,some how
'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
No wind, no rain
My love is alive
Way down in my heart
Although we are miles apart
If you ever need a helping hand
I'll be there on the double
As fast as I can
Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz-UvQYAmbg

"Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot

I heard this song in 7th grade on Z100 when my mom and I would drive back from ice skating. If my dad had been in the car, I wouldn't have been allowed to listen to pop music. Before 7th grade, I never thought about it. But I'd been transforming over the course of that summer at music camp. I was ready to expand my horizons and I started by tuning into the world of pop.

Switchfoot is a religious band and many of you know how I feel about concrete religion. If not, you can guess. However, this song, when related to my life has nothing to do with religion. It's about those times in my life when I, or someone else involved in my life, just needs to be dared to move.

So right now, we're going to venture back into my love life. You're going to roll your eyes: 1) Because you thought I had moved on to different topics. 2) Because you're tired of hearing me waffle back and forth between a countless and endless number of guys. However, I PROMISE that my hiatus from talking about my love life has given me new perspective and I am ready to discuss it more intelligently and less profusely.

Basically, I'm in a rut. I'm in a rut because Stewart is very much my type. My type as I've realized is pretty much what I've always envisioned my type to be. Funny enough, Connor, the first guy I really fell for, is not actually my type even though he somewhat appears to be. Drake isn't. Jacob definitely isn't. That leaves Edward and Stewart. Look back through my previous blogs to find out what happened with Edward. It was a catastrophe that now seeing it in retrospect, I can fully accept and realize.

Ed and I had a similar connection to the one that exists between me and Stewart. The one between me and Stewart is slightly larger and more obvious, but it's still similar. Last time, I did everything I could to mess it up - unknowingly at first up to the point when I was no longer thinking clearly. This time, I'm prepared not to. I'm prepared to wait until the time is right and until I receive a stronger impulse to act. The allure of the type I tend to fall for is that they generally don't make moves out of shyness or whatever such that when they do, it's monumental. Stewart has made quite a few of such moves but I still wonder if it's really my turn to act. After all, if he continues to make moves, how can I be sure that he won't eventually make the deciding move himself? Won't that be worth waiting for?

It's hard to say. I really like Stewart. I have grown to like, respect and be enamored by him. I want to have as much time with him as I can. I want to fully enjoy the connection we've developed before we're forced to take separate ways. You all know the extent to which his recent presence in my life has affected me. I find it strange myself that that week in Lake Placid landed me with both two new best friends and an intense affinity for someone I hardly know. However, that is the truth of the matter and as I have already accepted it, I am wondering why I am not finding it fit to act. I guess it's because it just doesn't feel right for me to make the move this time. I put him in my band. I am Miss Independent. It's his turn to buck up and make a say of this. If I guide him from the self-imposed backgrounds, I have no doubt he eventually will. He may need A LOT of guidance, but I'm prepared to give it sporadically as long as the deciding move is his.

We're in limbo now, Stewart. Instead of daring myself, I'm "daring you to move" as part of a day that's "never happened before" but should.

Lyrics to "Dare You To Move":

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK_E7xS7AtQ

"Nimrod" by Edward Elgar

So technically, this is not a song...it's a variation in in Edward Elgar's "Enigma Variations." I've heard it a few times - once in the car I believe - on a road-trip. But the first time I solidly took it in was two weeks ago when we listened to all the "Enigma Variations" in my composition class at music school. It's gorgeous in its simplicity - growing stronger with each repetition of the original straightforward, yet poignant theme.

Today was an interesting day. It was my first full day being 18. It's not that I felt any older walking the halls at music school. But I did feel different. It's like my past became legitimately my past. Jacob had no effect on me. Seeing new Facebook pictures of Edward had no affect on me. I felt detached and individual - as if I had been just granted a brand new start. Somehow, I don't feel obligated to where I've been or who I used to be. I'm new, reformed and confident about my future.

What I realized today while listening to "Nimrod" is that music without words has the potential to overpower even the best of lyrics. Sitting in the orchestra room, watching an ensemble of friends put forth this luminous mirage of sound, I began to tear a bit. Miranda had goosebumps next to me. I began to see that the most powerful of elements in the world are those that do not need words to be acknowledged and therefore do not use them. Words are a form of communicating emotion and information. But in and of themselves, they are meaningless. The reason I wanted Jacob to say "I love you" was not because I needed the words to be said as he thought. It's because I felt a void in his emotional outreach and I thought that the words, said heartfelt would compensate. But they couldn't. Not only did he never say them, but he never felt them. It was the feeling that mattered.

It was as if the day, like Nimrod, was a series of repetitive events that increased their impact every time they were repeated. I was standing, posters in hand, swaggering about with my cello. Stewart glanced up and smiled...that long slow smile that gets me every time. I could see him above the crowd outside during the fire drill. There were leagues of people between us. Yet because of his height, our eyes could still meet. We crossed paths in the hallway. He said "Happy Birthday" for the fourth time. It didn't need to be said. The words were just filler words that could have been easily replaced with "hello" or "how's it going?". It was their delivery that counted...the emotion that existed behind the dead noise.

If words aren't said, how do they acquire power in our society? After all, our society is communication based. How could it be that unexplained connections amount to anything? I don't quite have an answer. Perhaps words eventually need to be said. In that case, it would be my instinct's call and not my own. A wordless piece of art is up to individual interpretation. So listen to this excerpt. Let it inspire you as it did me.

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUgoBb8m1eE

"Breathe" by Anna Nalick

So you're sitting on the brink of a new potential relationship. You've been waiting a while. Between sorting out your past and fretting about your future, you haven't had much time to focus on the present. However now, things are shaping up. The past is slipping away - or at least morphing into something you understand and can deal with, the future is the future, and the present is nearing closer.

I've been thinking a bit about how I deal with my emotions - particularly when I care deeply about someone. When I care about an event - like my band recording, or getting into my top choice college, somehow I keep perspective. I work hard but not so much that my mental focus goes. When it comes to caring about friends, I can do this as well while keeping a handle on my own life. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, my perspective starts to dramatically dwindle. Caring about this type of person for me is often not a positive thing. The care eats up my self-respect. I have a desperate need to know that my feelings are reciprocated. Being unsure sends me into a state of delusion. The person becomes an object to me - an object of my care - but an object nonetheless.

This is how the large majority of my relationships have gone in the past. I have come across initially as the hot, chill, eccentric girl who appears to be an artsy guy's ideal match. However, as the relationship progresses, they start to see inklings of the neuroses I mentioned in my previous blog as well as my desperate need for control. Somewhere between these two negative forces, the relationship falls apart.

I guess now it seems that I'm being offered another chance - a chance to rise above the normal paranoid intricacies of relationship behavior. I'm being offered this chance and I'm going to take it. I'm going to work backwards, striving hard to feel comfortable and remain natural.

A year ago, if you'd asked me what to do when you're sitting on the brink of a new relationship, I'd say let loose all hell and go in for the kill. Now, as I'm wiser and broken with time, I say "Breathe...just breathe."

Lyrics to "Breathe":

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPz3YaIJkjQ

"Hard to Love You" by The Wreckers

The blog I'm about to write is not pretty. In fact, it is quite disgusting. It is nothing like the blogs you've read up to this point if you've been reading. If you haven't and this is your first time reading my blog, I suggest you either read further down or read my next blogs so that you are convinced that I am not actually as one-dimensionally monstrous as I am about to seem. I am actually quite honest and like to portray my true self. I have no need to package it or change it to suit the expectations of others around me. This is part of why I am prepared to divulge the worst side of me to you now.

Let me introduce as an example my ex-boyfriend Jacob. I just chatted him now because we're scheduled to meet tomorrow and he didn't respond...the dickhead. Jacob is a striking young man - gorgeous if I may say in a very non-conventional way. He has always had hopeless girls writing on his Facebook wall, flirting in the most tasteless ways - desperately seeking his approval. There was Sandy, who took every opportunity to cover Jacob's wall with corny comments on his statuses, wall-to-walls with other people for god's sake, or just random posts such as "marry me" that really signify nothing. There were the three girls from a program he tried out for who were all clearly enamored by his presence. One wrote shamelessly long posts that made me nearly puke, addressing him as "My Dear Jacob" or other names of the like. One seemed to have a boyfriend and therefore her invasion of my territory was quite brief and little of a threat. The other one, clearly the winner of the three, asked him to be her chauffeur to India next time he goes.

Those four cases are pretty bad. But today - yes today was the worst. Jacob and I have been broken up for a while. During that period, I have been interested in a variety of people, focusing on one in particular. But I have not been able to pursue anyone because of Jacob's lasting powerful hold on my emotional state. I was even more convinced of this fact today. I signed into Facebook, stopped by his wall second after Edward's as I usually do, and saw that a girl - let's name her Aggie - had posted a 2 minute 14 second video on his wall. Naturally I went into my room, turned on the volume, and played the video. It was a bad idea. The video started our with Aggie rearing her ugly face to the camera, saying "Hey Loser - stop playing with your Rubix cube and get on AIM. I probably shouldn't be leaving you this video but because I promised you I would, I am." What's that supposed to mean? I have some ideas. I won't share them. The rest of the video was basically Aggie's making a fool of herself, presenting Jacob and the watching world with some torn up stuffed animal that at least looked better than her. I was disgusted. If I were a guy, I would be turned off for eternity. But clearly Aggie and Jacob have some sort of bond that I was not aware of. Thank you Aggie, for letting me in on your plan. If I weren't writing this blog in hopes to eliminate the deadly vicious part of myself, you'd profoundly regret it.

Basically, I have a problem. I am in constant competition with other girls. I have a lot of friends who are girls obviously with whom I do not compete. They don't invade on my territory. I don't invade on theirs. But when a girl comes to close to a guy who I've deemed "my property" I become relentless. I make it my business to weed the girl out of this guy's system - my system.

Yes yes. I sound horrible. I'm a narcissistic, controlling maniac who cannot bear to coexist in the same plane as anyone else. That is my worst side. That is the side of me you might not have seen. However, if you have seen it, just know that in recognizing this, I am planning to change. I feel just as pathetic as Aggie. I am no more tactful. I am no more in control of myself. Perhaps I do myself a service in that I am not inclined to publicly shame myself. But I do privately. I have lost much because of this flaw - much that I deserved to lose.

The lyrics to this song, if I were to sing them, would be directed towards the guys who will come my way in the future. Writing this blog was necessary because it exposed the side of me that I must eliminate before I entire a new relationship. To those who are willing to take this risk, I mean exactly this. "I am wrong but I've been changing." And it's a change you can believe in.

Lyrics to "Hard to Love You":

Why do they make it hard to love you
Why can't they even start to try
'Cause now I feel the bridge is burnin
Oh oh
And all the smoke is in my eyes
Oh oh

I realize I never let them know me
I always wanted to be right
Took a mistake to really show me
Oh oh
Exactly what they were like

(Chorus;)
I've been wrong but I've been changin
I've been wonderin what to do
Here I am alone and waitin
For you

Why do I try to make them happy
Why am I always playin nice
It isn't easy tryin to tell you
Oh oh
Exactly whats on my mind

(Chorus)

I've been wrong but I've been waitin
For you

I've been wrong but I've been changin
I've been wonderin what to do
Here I am alone and waitin
waitin
For you

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SS8JM-ArKiM

"Rock Star" by Nickelback

If you saw me, walking steadily about the halls of my math and science specialized high school (I'm not actually that great at either discipline...I was just hoping to improve and by senior year I guess I have), carrying a big fat cello in a flashy case, you would never guess that I am in fact a practiced rock musician. Perhaps my appearance would match that of a classical singer - even a folk or a light pop singer. But you'd never guess that when I sing and play piano, I have a 10-piece band backing me, consisting of two cellos, two violins, a clarinet, a flute, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, acoustic bass and percussion.

The truth is, until last year, I never saw that side of myself either. I'd been writing pop/rock songs for a while at the piano - improvising and lyric writing until I found something I liked. I don't know what caused me to want to orchestrate them and actually insert myself in a band setting. I for sure never envisioned the band to end up so large and comprehensive. It seems that several lucky turns of fate pushed me in this direction and now I have a successful rock concert/live recording in my past, four solid recordings from it that mark the beginning of my album, and blooming hopes for another one this year.

Everyone dreams of being a rock star. Something about the uninhibited, pioneer lifestyle they lead paired with the appreciation for celebrities and performing arts in today's society makes this genre of music particularly appealing. However, what people don't understand is how much work it takes from several ends to get to the place where you're even recognized in your own social network. I bet you 600 at least of my 900 friends on Facebook have no idea that I have a band or maybe even that I sing at all.

It is my aspiration for this year to get noticed for my rock-singing abilities, in whatever way works out. Fame is a luxury but it's worth fighting for.

Lyrics to "Rockstar":

I'm through with standing in line
To clubs we'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
And I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be

(Tell me what you want)

I want a brand new house
On an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough
For ten plus me

(So what you need?)

I'll need a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet

(Been there, done that)

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and
James Dean is fine for me

(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

[Chorus:]
'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair

Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I'll have the quesadilla on the house)
I'm gonna dress my ass
With the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
Blow my money for me
(So how you gonna do it?)
I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

[Chorus]

And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary and today's who's who
They'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial, well

Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

I'm gonna sing those songs
That offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills from a pez dispenser

I'll get washed-up singers writing all my songs
lip sync 'em every night so I don't get 'em wrong

[Chorus]

And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary and today's who's who
They'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial

Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnVUmCbvGrU

I'm Like A Bird by Nelly Furtado

This song is not an ideal way to portray one's state of mind. When I was 15, madly infatuated with my best friend's older brother Connor for the fourth year in a row, I would have never predicted that I would become the flighty, confused girl I am now. However, I am currently experiencing a disturbing host of problems due to my current nature. You see: if someone were to ask me how many times I'd been deeply in love with someone, I'd have to say two times. Edward was first. Jacob was second. Why I speak in past tense I'm afraid I can't tell you. I should be speaking in present tense. These two remain lodged in my divided heart, bubbling up to the surface at random points when I had been nearly sure they were secure.

We all know the saying, "First is the worst, Second is the best, Third is the one with the treasure chest/wedding dress." I have never been able to resist from ascribing significance to this silly nursery rhyme. I initially believed that Connor was first and Edward was second. The third keeper shifted between Drake then to Jacob then to Stewart. However, after some thought, it seemed that Edward in fact came first in the separation between infatuation and legitimate love. Jacob, who I'd been purposefully leaving out of the mix, was appointed to his clearly rightful position as second.

If Stewart is indeed to be the third, he has two very dangerous people floating around in my past, present and/or future to deal with. This situation becomes increasingly complicated, realizing that I know the first two like the contour of my face in the mirror and I hardly know Stewart at all. This is why I have been unable to pursue Stewart in typical bold Kerani fashion. Because I have enough decency to know that with Edward and Jacob's memories protruding my brain, my feelings for Stewart are too stifled to give him a fair and open chance.

Don't get me wrong. I have complete faith that if I were to get to know Stewart fully, my feelings for him would equal and most likely outrun those that I possess/ed for the other two. However, he and I are part of separate worlds that have not yet connected. Our bond that was on fire for those three days at the end of the summer seems to be fading in the context of our regular lives. I know I have the potential to reignite the spark when the time comes to act. It is clear that the sole blame for the delay lies with the fact that I have not yet pushed my feelings for Edward and mainly Jacob to the background.

If I am to be with Stewart, ask him to be in my band, get to know him better, then I must stop being like a bird. I must know where my heart lies and it must be with him. Such a feat is possible. It is a choice that lies within me. It is the right path that I am destined to follow but am hesitant to jump upon. I have little time left to tarry. The day approaches when Edward and Jacob must take their places at the back of my lingering heart and Stewart must take the forefront. I knew upon meeting him that he was the third. And in knowing this I can charge into the large remainder of this year - headfirst with few distractions.

Lyrics to "I'm Like a Bird":

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxiYBcJi8y4

"A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton

I associate this song with 7th grade, puppy love, romantic idealistic visions of a girl who's new to the world and most of all with Walden. For those of you who haven't heard me mention Walden, it is the summer music camp I attended for four years of my childhood and much of who I am right now can be somehow related back to the various effects that place has had on me.

For some reason, it feels that this past version of myself - the idealistic, mystical 12-15-year-old romanticist - is flushing over me. Granted, I am eons more mature and even jaded from experience. However, especially today, it feels that all the events that have taken place since that idyllic period in my life are distant nonentities. All that remains is the effects they had on me, which seem somehow taken to heart from a dream.

It's been a while since I've legitimately been faced with the task of pursuing a guy. Let's be honest: Stewart is attracted to me. He's interested in me to some degree. But he's given no indication that he's interested in having a further relationship. I suppose I haven't either. So we're both at a stage of unknowns. However, I am most definitely focusing on the matter more than he is or at least attempting to analyze it more. Plus, I actually make occasional efforts to communicate with him during the week.

This is tough. You see Vanessa Carlton wrote this song about a boy who was oblivious to her unreturned feelings for him. I find it entirely possible that I am craving something from Stewart that he will not be willing to give. A relationship is a serious endeavor. It's a decision that cannot be made on a whim. Why would Stewart be willing to make it for a girl he hardly knows anything about? After all, who says he has intuition that allows him to penetrate people's identities like I do? That is the only reason I have allowed him to have such a huge effect on me - because I know that he is what my instinct is looking for.

So how on earth do I go about this? Stewart is most likely not going to make any advancement. The advancements he made were in the context of our situation - being so close in proximity and all. Now, the situation has gravely shifted. Our connection has been bumped out of context with it. If anything's going to happen, I'm going to have to reintroduce myself and I find this prospect quite frightening. It seems that with the previous guys I've been interested in, I have had to make significant moves. However, Edward and I had a common 2:00 break and back to back one on one lessons. He played my piece and that gave us an easy opportunity to get closer. With Drake and Jacob, I talked to them extensively on AIM and I had grown comfortable doing so before the added feelings arose. Stewart and I have no clear schedule parallels and talking to him online or by text is extremely difficult for me to handle.

Therefore, I cannot see how this relationship will advance. Every move I were to make would strike randomly and incredibly out of context. Asking a guy to come on a walk with you when you are part of the same 8-person program is very different than asking the same guy to hang out with you and only you at the end of a long 250-person program day. Perhaps I could do it, but instinct is heavily instructing me not to. Consequently, I am stuck wondering why instinct has veered me towards Stewart but doesn't give me any clear indication of how to go about this attraction that seems to have little promise if any at all.

Wow. It seems as if I travel from one gamble to another. Right now, I guess my only option is to sit back and wish I "could fall into the sky."

Lyrics to "A Thousand Miles":

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories

'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

And I, I
Don't want to let you know
I, I
Drown in your memory
I, I
Don't want to let this go
I, I
Don't....

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you...

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnkvhi1XOR8

"Patience" by Take That

You know...this song always got to me. In the beginning, when I first ascribed significance to it, I was going out with Drake. He had a past - a very dark past with a girl. I was the hot, happy girlfriend, full of promises. He'd been into me for a while but somehow, at the end of the day, I could not compete with the magnitude - the weight - of his feelings, albeit somewhat tortured, for this girl.

Now, I feel that I am in a similar situation to the one Drake was in before. I've been into Stewart for a while. I am excited over the opportunity to pursue him legitimately - yet somehow, though I've thought about it, I haven't really started. Something's been holding me back. My mom said it's maturity. For a while I thought that was the cause as well. However, the tendencies of a restless ideas, even when somewhat jaded by growth, cannot be quenched to the extent they are now merely because of maturity. I feel my hesitation stems from something else - something darker.

Jacob cannot think straight when I am around. He converses with those in the general area at which we've both been placed, but his attention (and eyes) constantly flit towards me. Last night, I chatted him. I began asking him questions, which he found, as stated, condescending and obnoxious. However, because he admitted that my analysis is consistently helpful, he indicated that he is bound to tolerate my delivery (which frankly I don't think is anything near as grating as the tone he's used with me). I told him I want to penetrate the wall he's put up. I want to help him break outside what has always prevented him from interacting on a deep level with other people. He tried to insult me by saying "you don't know me" but that failed to its utmost ability because he and I both know that I definitely do.

The conversation was cut short by Jacob's sleeping habits. However, perhaps you've perceived the magnitude of its effect on me. My feelings for Jacob will not vanish regardless of the various methods I use in attempts to revoke them. In fact, you could argue that they only get stronger.

At this point in time, I don't want to end up like Drake. I don't want to go out with the hot, happy new boyfriend and then lose what could have been a wonderful relationship by cheating on him after two weeks with Jacob. It's a dark side of human nature that I've noticed. No matter how happy you can feel in your current situation, the tortured histories of your past will most likely always triumph. It's sad isn't it? That's why I'm going to wait until I am secure in my place to move forward with Stewart. Perhaps this moment will never truly happen and Stewart and I will be confined to the friend level. However, until I am ready, there's no harm in being friends. Jacob is a very time-consuming and draining occupation. But using the energy I have left until it fades, hopefully Stewart and I can become a little closer.

Lyrics to "Patience":

Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop.

Just hold me close inside your arms tonight
Don't be too hard on my emotions.

[Chorus:]
'Cause I
Need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again
I know you wanna be my salvation
The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong
Believe me I'm trying to move on
It's complicated but understand me.

[Chorus]

'Cause the scars run so deep
It's been hard but I have to believe
Just have a little patience [x2]

[Chorus]

Have a little patience
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
Just try and have a little patience

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF3DqGwIi18

"Brace Yourself" by Howie Day

Alright...are you guys ready for a long string of stories? You should be. I have a lot to fill you in on. A lot has happened and the more time I spend away from this blog, the more events pile up. Number one: I just thought I'd mention that on Tuesday, I found out that Edward had been bad-mouthing my songs and my personality to our 12-year-old mutual friend. Disgusting! You can say a man acts as he wills when influenced by anger, but that's a little bit uncalled for. So...I distanced myself from that a bit, knowing that I will have to interact with him in September, but not before then.

However, that knowledge was put through a bit of a shocking vacuum when I found out yesterday that the music department at my ED school is not accepting ED submissions. Therefore, I can only apply to the journalism department ED and hope to get in/transfer to the music department when I get there. That is a bit aggravating seeing that a large part of my application focuses on music and with that lost, my admissions chances are inevitably decreased as well.

Because of these shifts, my perspective has been forced to change. I am forced to venture into a new realm. A realm with less Edward - a realm with less security and less definition. I am going to have to brace the unknown and wonder/hope that my journalism skills are enough to push me into my top choice school without my musical skills to back them up.

I'm going to have to let Stewart in regardless of what is bound to happen . I must live less on habit and more on what instinct is telling me to pursue. I am going to have to open my heart to what he has to offer, realizing that I currently don't know him but perhaps I will. It's a risk worth fighting for and seeing as my instinct has spoken, I don't have much of a choice.

With these goals and prospects in mind, I charge into October - prepared to make it the month of my life as the Lake Placid week was the week of my life. This is a month of endless possibilities. For them, I brace myself.

Lyrics to "Brace Yourself":

So you think
You can hold the world up by a string
With all that you have
And I will hold every part of you that I could hold

And I'm on...
And I'm on again
Brace yourself
With all that you have
Enough, I'm in love again
Brace yourself
Yeah...

So you feel anything and everything could be
All that you wanted
Stay with me
I'm in no condition to be
Alone

And I'm on...
And I'm on again
Brace yourself
With all that you have
Enough, I'm in love again
Brace yourself
Now...

On and on
So it's just your false alarm
Maybe I'll hold my breathe
And you'll be gone
All that you have... yeah...
All that you wanted...

So you think
You can hold the world up by a string
With all that you have
And I will hold
Every part of you that I could hold

And I'm on
And I'm on again
Brace yourself with all that you have
Oh I'm in love again
Brace yourself... now...

Brace with all that you have
Brace now
Brace with all that you have
Brace now

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a12wfkX7wt8