I'm Like A Bird by Nelly Furtado

This song is not an ideal way to portray one's state of mind. When I was 15, madly infatuated with my best friend's older brother Connor for the fourth year in a row, I would have never predicted that I would become the flighty, confused girl I am now. However, I am currently experiencing a disturbing host of problems due to my current nature. You see: if someone were to ask me how many times I'd been deeply in love with someone, I'd have to say two times. Edward was first. Jacob was second. Why I speak in past tense I'm afraid I can't tell you. I should be speaking in present tense. These two remain lodged in my divided heart, bubbling up to the surface at random points when I had been nearly sure they were secure.

We all know the saying, "First is the worst, Second is the best, Third is the one with the treasure chest/wedding dress." I have never been able to resist from ascribing significance to this silly nursery rhyme. I initially believed that Connor was first and Edward was second. The third keeper shifted between Drake then to Jacob then to Stewart. However, after some thought, it seemed that Edward in fact came first in the separation between infatuation and legitimate love. Jacob, who I'd been purposefully leaving out of the mix, was appointed to his clearly rightful position as second.

If Stewart is indeed to be the third, he has two very dangerous people floating around in my past, present and/or future to deal with. This situation becomes increasingly complicated, realizing that I know the first two like the contour of my face in the mirror and I hardly know Stewart at all. This is why I have been unable to pursue Stewart in typical bold Kerani fashion. Because I have enough decency to know that with Edward and Jacob's memories protruding my brain, my feelings for Stewart are too stifled to give him a fair and open chance.

Don't get me wrong. I have complete faith that if I were to get to know Stewart fully, my feelings for him would equal and most likely outrun those that I possess/ed for the other two. However, he and I are part of separate worlds that have not yet connected. Our bond that was on fire for those three days at the end of the summer seems to be fading in the context of our regular lives. I know I have the potential to reignite the spark when the time comes to act. It is clear that the sole blame for the delay lies with the fact that I have not yet pushed my feelings for Edward and mainly Jacob to the background.

If I am to be with Stewart, ask him to be in my band, get to know him better, then I must stop being like a bird. I must know where my heart lies and it must be with him. Such a feat is possible. It is a choice that lies within me. It is the right path that I am destined to follow but am hesitant to jump upon. I have little time left to tarry. The day approaches when Edward and Jacob must take their places at the back of my lingering heart and Stewart must take the forefront. I knew upon meeting him that he was the third. And in knowing this I can charge into the large remainder of this year - headfirst with few distractions.

Lyrics to "I'm Like a Bird":

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxiYBcJi8y4