For some reason, it feels that this past version of myself - the idealistic, mystical 12-15-year-old romanticist - is flushing over me. Granted, I am eons more mature and even jaded from experience. However, especially today, it feels that all the events that have taken place since that idyllic period in my life are distant nonentities. All that remains is the effects they had on me, which seem somehow taken to heart from a dream.
It's been a while since I've legitimately been faced with the task of pursuing a guy. Let's be honest: Stewart is attracted to me. He's interested in me to some degree. But he's given no indication that he's interested in having a further relationship. I suppose I haven't either. So we're both at a stage of unknowns. However, I am most definitely focusing on the matter more than he is or at least attempting to analyze it more. Plus, I actually make occasional efforts to communicate with him during the week.
This is tough. You see Vanessa Carlton wrote this song about a boy who was oblivious to her unreturned feelings for him. I find it entirely possible that I am craving something from Stewart that he will not be willing to give. A relationship is a serious endeavor. It's a decision that cannot be made on a whim. Why would Stewart be willing to make it for a girl he hardly knows anything about? After all, who says he has intuition that allows him to penetrate people's identities like I do? That is the only reason I have allowed him to have such a huge effect on me - because I know that he is what my instinct is looking for.
So how on earth do I go about this? Stewart is most likely not going to make any advancement. The advancements he made were in the context of our situation - being so close in proximity and all. Now, the situation has gravely shifted. Our connection has been bumped out of context with it. If anything's going to happen, I'm going to have to reintroduce myself and I find this prospect quite frightening. It seems that with the previous guys I've been interested in, I have had to make significant moves. However, Edward and I had a common 2:00 break and back to back one on one lessons. He played my piece and that gave us an easy opportunity to get closer. With Drake and Jacob, I talked to them extensively on AIM and I had grown comfortable doing so before the added feelings arose. Stewart and I have no clear schedule parallels and talking to him online or by text is extremely difficult for me to handle.
Therefore, I cannot see how this relationship will advance. Every move I were to make would strike randomly and incredibly out of context. Asking a guy to come on a walk with you when you are part of the same 8-person program is very different than asking the same guy to hang out with you and only you at the end of a long 250-person program day. Perhaps I could do it, but instinct is heavily instructing me not to. Consequently, I am stuck wondering why instinct has veered me towards Stewart but doesn't give me any clear indication of how to go about this attraction that seems to have little promise if any at all.
Wow. It seems as if I travel from one gamble to another. Right now, I guess my only option is to sit back and wish I "could fall into the sky."
Lyrics to "A Thousand Miles":
Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd
And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight
It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me
'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories
'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight
And I, I
Don't want to let you know
I, I
Drown in your memory
I, I
Don't want to let this go
I, I
Don't....
Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd
And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you...
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight
Link to Music Video:
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