"Falling Slowly" from the movie "Once"

It's funny. I was going to use this song a while back I think. My fascination with it began on the last day of the summer program I attended at my top choice college. We were packing. None of us wanted to leave. This song was playing on my friend's loudspeaker. I'd had it on my iPod for a while but hadn't listened. But that soon changed.

I can't believe I'm writing this blog now. I never thought I would. I thought I was doing fine - following my instinct, letting it take me to new shores, new people and a new life. However, when I started getting closer to fulfilling a defining part of this new life, I started to back away. I can't fully tell you why. I like the guy. He seems cool and nice and awesome. If it had been another time in our lives, I know for sure that we would have gone out and been really happy. However, at this time, my instinct just isn't pushing for it. I don't have the strength to go after him. He isn't moving quickly enough towards me and even if he were, I wouldn't have the strength to respond. Nothing has happened that's concrete enough to make my backing away a moral issue. I just am astounded because I have never been the one to back away. I'm always the one to push. Now I'm finding myself at a different stage of life: more mature, jaded and full of perspective.

It is my instinct that has given me this perspective - the same instinct that has guided me consistently for the past few months. It is this instinct that has prevented me from concretely acting on this connection I have - because I know see that it's not the path I'm meant to take.

Over the summer, while at my top choice school, I made a silly mistake. I broke up with my boyfriend for no reason other than the fact that I was restless. The spiteful battles of anger that ensued after were a result of our hurt and dislike for the current situation. None of it was supposed to happen. In going against instinct, I harmed myself and him and the dynamic of our relationship. It was in essence a working relationship between two immature people. It turned into a bitter fight and the immaturity sent it way over the edge. The reason I cannot move on with my life is because I am not meant to. You can say that he is preventing me from leading a lovely new life with lovely new people and a new hope. But in fact, my feelings for him are the blame and I know now that they are not and are not meant to go away.

So why did I choose this song? I know why. I'm not ready to share it because of the immense impact this decision has on my life. But you might be able to decipher. What I will say is that life is short - too short to hold grudges, too short to shun people you love for little reason at all, too short to force the expelling of feelings that are not meant to be expelled. This year is important to me. Of all the many ways in which I could spend it, my instinct is pointing towards one. And it is right. Life is too short not to rethink. And there's "still time" to do so, but not much so it's time I "take this sunken boat and point it home."

Lyrics to "Falling Slowly":

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc