Let me introduce as an example my ex-boyfriend Jacob. I just chatted him now because we're scheduled to meet tomorrow and he didn't respond...the dickhead. Jacob is a striking young man - gorgeous if I may say in a very non-conventional way. He has always had hopeless girls writing on his Facebook wall, flirting in the most tasteless ways - desperately seeking his approval. There was Sandy, who took every opportunity to cover Jacob's wall with corny comments on his statuses, wall-to-walls with other people for god's sake, or just random posts such as "marry me" that really signify nothing. There were the three girls from a program he tried out for who were all clearly enamored by his presence. One wrote shamelessly long posts that made me nearly puke, addressing him as "My Dear Jacob" or other names of the like. One seemed to have a boyfriend and therefore her invasion of my territory was quite brief and little of a threat. The other one, clearly the winner of the three, asked him to be her chauffeur to India next time he goes.
Those four cases are pretty bad. But today - yes today was the worst. Jacob and I have been broken up for a while. During that period, I have been interested in a variety of people, focusing on one in particular. But I have not been able to pursue anyone because of Jacob's lasting powerful hold on my emotional state. I was even more convinced of this fact today. I signed into Facebook, stopped by his wall second after Edward's as I usually do, and saw that a girl - let's name her Aggie - had posted a 2 minute 14 second video on his wall. Naturally I went into my room, turned on the volume, and played the video. It was a bad idea. The video started our with Aggie rearing her ugly face to the camera, saying "Hey Loser - stop playing with your Rubix cube and get on AIM. I probably shouldn't be leaving you this video but because I promised you I would, I am." What's that supposed to mean? I have some ideas. I won't share them. The rest of the video was basically Aggie's making a fool of herself, presenting Jacob and the watching world with some torn up stuffed animal that at least looked better than her. I was disgusted. If I were a guy, I would be turned off for eternity. But clearly Aggie and Jacob have some sort of bond that I was not aware of. Thank you Aggie, for letting me in on your plan. If I weren't writing this blog in hopes to eliminate the deadly vicious part of myself, you'd profoundly regret it.
Basically, I have a problem. I am in constant competition with other girls. I have a lot of friends who are girls obviously with whom I do not compete. They don't invade on my territory. I don't invade on theirs. But when a girl comes to close to a guy who I've deemed "my property" I become relentless. I make it my business to weed the girl out of this guy's system - my system.
Yes yes. I sound horrible. I'm a narcissistic, controlling maniac who cannot bear to coexist in the same plane as anyone else. That is my worst side. That is the side of me you might not have seen. However, if you have seen it, just know that in recognizing this, I am planning to change. I feel just as pathetic as Aggie. I am no more tactful. I am no more in control of myself. Perhaps I do myself a service in that I am not inclined to publicly shame myself. But I do privately. I have lost much because of this flaw - much that I deserved to lose.
The lyrics to this song, if I were to sing them, would be directed towards the guys who will come my way in the future. Writing this blog was necessary because it exposed the side of me that I must eliminate before I entire a new relationship. To those who are willing to take this risk, I mean exactly this. "I am wrong but I've been changing." And it's a change you can believe in.
Lyrics to "Hard to Love You":
Why can't they even start to try
'Cause now I feel the bridge is burnin
Oh oh
And all the smoke is in my eyes
Oh oh
I realize I never let them know me
I always wanted to be right
Took a mistake to really show me
Oh oh
Exactly what they were like
(Chorus;)
I've been wrong but I've been changin
I've been wonderin what to do
Here I am alone and waitin
For you
Why do I try to make them happy
Why am I always playin nice
It isn't easy tryin to tell you
Oh oh
Exactly whats on my mind
(Chorus)
I've been wrong but I've been waitin
For you
I've been wrong but I've been changin
I've been wonderin what to do
Here I am alone and waitin
waitin
For you
Link to Music Video:
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