"Fall to Pieces" by Matt Nathanson

There are some things that occur in my life that would surely make me "fall to pieces." Not getting into my top choice school that I applied to today would do the job easily. Not getting my album recorded by the end of the year would be a downer as well.

Today was a tumultuous day for me. I applied to a huge arts competition. Everything was a catastrophe but I finally submitted it even though the Fed-Ex people were very clear about the dangers of sending a package past 8 pm. Apparently, the lady who picks the packages up is vicious and lashes out profusely at late-comers. I could see the fear in their faces as they described her demeanor.

This competition is a big deal to me. I can't say I would "fall to pieces" if I didn't win. For music competition, judging is subjective. I know I'm at a high enough level to be a good candidate for the grand prize. However, I could never be sure that they would choose me over someone like him, who is equally qualified. He was the one who told me about this competition last year before we got close and vulnerable and hurt. Applying, for some reason, brought me back to where I was when he brought himself and the idea of this competition into the picture. There was so much hope and potential. It got shattered by our immaturities that I feel have petered out at least to some extent.

I've been trying for months to ignore his existence or at least come to peace with it through a variety of round-a-bout ways. None of them have worked. I still have that unquenchable emotion of pure love that creeps in like an evening sunset as a backdrop to all of my contradicting plans. I see my year flash before me. I see myself leave to the Midwest having left things the same with him as they are now. It doesn't feel right - to leave myself unable to give him a proper goodbye. I know this and my instinct knows it as well. It is the only explanation for the pain that I feel when seeing him walk through the halls. It is the only explanation for the gut-wrenching choking emotion I feel when he looks at me.

I'm not saying he was perfect. He has issues. I had issues as well. But what am I supposed to do? Leave my feelings for him in the dust, saying "You have issues and therefore you are not good for me?" Yes that's what self-help books and many people would tell me to do. But my instinct has been nagging at me for way too long. I am trying to go against it but all I am doing is making things more difficult for myself. He may be dangerous. I may get hurt. But it's hurt for someone who knows me - for someone who is and has long been worthwhile. Tell me I am crazy. I am. I have always been crazy and you all know it. But I cannot leave this portion of my life with a chock-full of regret backing me up. My instinct has spoken. And I am prepared to listen. This is my path. It may not be the easiest, but it's the one I am meant to follow and I will follow it best I can. I would "fall to pieces if you never came back".

Lyrics to "Fall to Pieces":

So I wear you out...
So who would've thought that you'd still be here now

And I swore dear
That I never
Wanted to be
Any better
Than your weakest moment

Now
Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back?
Tear it all apart
Til there was nothing left
Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back...
Spent so long waiting here

This was all sweet once
When I was fingertips and innocence

And too scared to
Let go I had my
Arms thread through
The pretty holes
Of your most romantic line

Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back?
Tear it all apart
Til there was nothing left
Would you fall to pieces
If I never came back
Spent so long waiting here

And I've watched them all move through you
Yeah, I've watched them all let you down.

It's do you
And don't you
Cause I won't forget you
You filled me with nothing
It felt so good
It'll all come out some day

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-_sIdan4eI&feature=PlayList&p=D167393AB9FF4FCB&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=37