Walking into chorus, I felt a strange feeling pass over me. Something felt amiss. I had seen Stewart, but something didn't register. It's as if I didn't care even though my waking mind knew on some level that I did. My friend Sadie was standing next to me in the alto section. I described to her my dilemma and her analysis was something that all of you have probably seen all along but to which I had been blind.
She said that I was the problem. It wasn't him. It wasn't his feelings, which are clearly there. It's mine. My feelings for Stewart, in her opinion, had been more of a fact and less an emotion. I just didn't have enough will to make something start. I like him, yes, but it wasn't enough. Class ended and we took the elevator up to the 5th floor. He would never hurt me, she said. There are no cons in terms of my going out with him or taking the situation to the next level. But why should I do it if my heart isn't all into it, she wondered. Won't I just end up more confused?
She was right. The more I thought about Sadie's analysis, the more I realized that I was the problem. Stewart wished me happy birthday four times. He's interested in my life. The sparkle in his eyes show his true feelings. It's me that sends the wrong messages. I talk about him in my blog - to my friends occasionally. But I can't bring myself to treat him as any more than a friend. Sure he knows I'm interested in knowing about him and including him in my life - at least he should know. But he doesn't know that I'm interested on a higher level. I've given no indication. By treating his signs as natural, almost negligible occurrences, I've put myself out as a flirtatious but noncommittal girl who may be interested but not to a significant level. He might know I'm interested from another source, but even then, the signs aren't matching up.
Tantalized by this philosophy and other harsh external factors, my day was quite the mess. However, at studio class, things began to change. He approached me after class and asked how my orchestra piece was coming along. I looked him in the eye and told him it was going well. I left Juilliard a few minutes later. My mom and I went across the street to get some food. It was pouring and I didn't have a jacket - just the purple cotton shrug that served as a horrible absorber of water. As soon as we left the cafe, I had a feeling I was going to see him. The thunder rolled and the sky emitted a sharp ray of cornflower light. My mom and I were laughing. I glanced across the crosswalk and there he was. He had a black umbrella and he approached me on my side of the crosswalk. I stared at him, frozen, and he smiled, waved, and whispered hi. It was a closed smile at first. But then I said "hey", in a tone probably to incredulous for my own good. He smiled bigger now, saw my mom, glanced down still smiling and kept walking.
It started to pour. Gushes of water plummeted harshly on my barely covered shoulders. When we got into the cab, I texted him, "blaming" him and our encounter for the drenched and sorry state of my clothes and possessions. He texted back saying that I was to blame too.
I started to realize the gravity of my contribution to the stagnancy of the relationship. I don't know him. I never knew him. I still don't. The only way for me to move forward in my head and with him is to start. And it's my move. It's my turn to shuffle the cards and ask him to hang out. Only then can I know. What's so heady about coffee anyway? This epiphany, paired with the rain, washed me clear of the past I'd been so heavily caught up in. It was time to move forward. It was time for me, "in a storm in my best dress" to be "fearless."
Lyrics to "Fearless":
There's somethin' 'bout the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement
Walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah
Oh yeah
We're drivin' down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you
And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless
So baby drive slow
'til we run out of road in this one horse town
I wanna stay right here in this passenger's seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture it, remember it
Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless
Well you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss,
It's flawless,
Really something,
It's fearless.
Oh yeah
And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless
Yeah
I don't know how
Oh yeah yeah
Link to Music Video:
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