I'd been excited about the power and reliable accuracy of my instinct. It has allowed me to analyze even the most complicated people so precisely that even they themselves are shocked. But now I see that just because I follow my instinct doesn't mean that other people follow theirs. My instinct is only valuable in relation to myself and my knowledge. In terms of situations, it cannot control or overpower the misguided choices of other people. Just because my instinct allows me to choose the right path does not mean that other people involved will do the same.
"I don't know why I can't tell you to get away from me," he exclaimed incredulously. The fireworks were sounded and the rain was beating down upon Nathanson, the sidewalk, and our heads. I knew why, but I didn't tell him. His instinct is no more than fear. His fear clouds his knowledge of the right path even though the right path haunts him, every month to no end.
"I just don't like you THAT -" (much). He stopped himself and told a milder lie..."way" I believe was the word. I couldn't have cared less. My instinct may not be able to power a situation but it can sift through lies of which Jacob was spewing at me at a rate of about 50 miles per minute.
"I'm such a bad person. Why do you still like me?" Do I like him? Really? No. I could if he opened up his real self but instead, I as of now, I just love him. Simply and plainly. I love him and I love the pain he causes me. It does nothing but suck the life out of me, but it does everything to improve my instinct and teach me about this tortured world in which we live, or at least in which I do. I love his mind. I love his hair and the way we make out. I love his closed persona that I long to open up. And I am too strong to back away from the pain he causes me in multitudes. It's like the blister on my heel caused by those beautiful red flats I was wearing: If I walk long enough, I forget the pain until the next time I put it on.
"I got bored of talking to you." Really? Cause I've always been told I was interesting. Edward and I had that conversation. I may be many things, but I am not boring. If I were truly boring to Jacob, it would be entirely his misjudgment. However, this is not the case. He is drowning helplessly in his futile attempts to come up with an excuse to hide the one emotion that's preventing all that is right from happening:
Fear. Cold, blatant, fear - fear of pressure, fear of commitment, fear of judgment, fear of insecurity. That's all that is responsible for Jacob's lack of perspective in this situation: Fear. I couldn't find the words to tell him, but if he reads this, he will agree. In moments of enlightenment, he has seen it himself. These realizations are followed by hope on my end - hope that the situation will grow into its rightful path. The next day however, I wake up to find that Jacob has elapsed back into his perpetual rut of fear. If I am not the one to break it, no one will. No one will be strong or crazy enough to fight this hard for someone who doesn't even care that I'm fighting.
"I know you're happy now, but I know I could make you happier."
"Oh really?"
Yes, Jacob. Really.
Lyrics to "My Immortal":
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fearsAnd if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
[Chorus]
Link to Music Video:
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