"You're Not Sorry" by Taylor Swift

He chatted me last night. He used commenting on my AIM status as an excuse. But Jacob doesn't care for exhibitionist AIM statuses in any shape or form. He wanted to talk to me and he succeeded. I guess I was taken aback at first but once I got used to his flashing green icon lighting up my screen, I asked him to send me music. He kept the links coming, pasting them mechanically into the chat window. Some of them caught my ears, such as Kashmir by Led Zeppelin and Optimistic by Radiohead, that he particularly liked. We mentioned nothing about the relationship or about his motives in chatting me. I already knew, of course. He wants the pieces out of me but will not admit it. He didn't even know it when he rejected my proposal but he cannot bear the fact that I'm actually okay with his absence from my life. It reminds me of when he described the feelings he felt for me in the beginning but could not piece them together to just simply define it as "liking." He has not ever analyzed the emotions he feels so he cannot express them or apply them to a conventional setting. And I'm no longer there to do that for him.

The sad thing is: I still have feelings for Jacob. I still sometimes fantasize about the future we could have had if he'd opened up to his own desires. The impulses are sometimes so strong that it "makes me wonder" as our favorite song "Stairway to Heaven" by Led would say, if the future won't re-merge our paths. But then I realize, as good old Taylor would say, that Jacob is not sorry for what he has done. He may want me. He may want the awkwardness to go away. He might not know, as I do, what he wants. But he doesn't want to apologize and until he does, there is no future for me and him. You see, there have been situations in my life - with Edward mainly, when both of us were to blame. Our apologies or lack thereof cancel each other out. However, with Jacob, if he strives to be my friend again without apologizing for his awful actions, giving in is giving myself another blow to the head. As I knew but wouldn't accept before I turned to him again, is that the best way to teach him a lesson is to stop trying to teach him lessons - to walk away and let him wallow in his own regret. That's not to say I won't accept him if he comes with a sincere apology.

As for now, Jacob is just grasping for control. He cannot accept the fact that he has lost and landed himself in an awkward situation that puts a dent in his whole "move through life without a care" philosophy. Well it seems like my departure may give him motivation to care. Either that, or he's not worth my care at all. Ah the paradoxes of life. I'm going to have to go with Taylor on this one.

Lyrics to "You're Not Sorry":

All this time I was wasting,
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

Looking so innocent,
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no, oh

You're not sorry no no oh

You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

You're not sorry, no no oh

Link to Music Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s3GUZiY39Y