Had it not been for last night's phone conversation, Jake and I would be in a similar situation. Thankfully, there is an important difference between the two situations. I didn't make out with Edward. If I had, perhaps he would have broken his shell as he did for a minute after we kissed for the first time. Or perhaps the dynamic wouldn't have clicked for either of us. Eventually, I will find out a variation of which would have been the case. However, all I know now is that my situation with Jacob has a lot more promise than the one I had with Edward. The dynamic between Jacob and I could not be better. It's perfect. And both of us know it. That is what makes the emotional component so hard. Our perfect dynamic continues to pull us both back. I accept this fact and he denies it desperately. Last night on the phone, he stopped denying but our situation is still full of unknowns.
Many people wonder why in the universe I'd keep subjecting myself to the pain that Jacob has continually fed me. Jacob wonders this himself it seems. But I don't wonder. The truth is, no matter what happens between Jacob and me, our natural dynamic will remain the same. We are meant to be together. My instinct has finally pointed me in the right direction. His continues to be clouded. Everyone tells me that I do not have the capability to change Jacob. No matter how much of myself I give to him, he will continue to be the same. But for some reason, I cannot ignore the instinct to keep giving. I am and have always been strong enough to take anything. Backing down has never been an option. When a deviation from instinct has caused me pain, I have consistently been strong enough to wrench myself back on track. Now I am back on track. The difference is I must wrench Jacob back on track along with me.
Why am I willing to do this? Why is Jacob's happiness and self-knowledge so important to me? I have a chance for a better life - a life that doesn't involve constant pain and insecurity. But I cannot choose that life, for I only have one year to make a difference in this world and giving in to my own potential happiness is not the way to do it. This future with Jacob, regardless of the intensity of the pain and the emotion to which I am bound to be subjected, is my future. It is the future I have chosen and it is the future that lies along my instinct's path. Denying it would be denying my ability to make a change in the world and in the life of someone who I love more than I loved Edward - more than I've loved any guy.
Say I take the risk and nothing comes of it. Then I will have tried my hardest and failed knowing that I left nothing to regret. Say I take the risk and everything comes of it. Then the only thing I will regret will be the split Jacob and I will inevitably be forced to make at the end of the year. And that is beyond my control. It's time I take charge of what I can control and make a difference. After all, "This Time", I can handle it.
Lyrics to "This Time":
It's 4 a.m. and I'm wide awakeWaiting for my thoughts to fade
A flickering of all of my mistakes
And as the light starts creeping in
I slowly feel
The day I'm missing
But I wouldn't even know where to begin
Do I push to hard?
Or fall to fast?
The moment never seems to last
Will I stop long enough to know
Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away,
This time
Your words circle in my head
Weigh so heavy on my chest
And I'm crushed by your expectation
I only want to do some good
Too dumb to know if I could
And I just wanna feel the days I'm in
Do I go to far,
Not far enough?
Why can't I keep my big mouth shut?
And do we lead the life that we should?
Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away,
This time
Did I say to much again?
I'm just a girl in a panic
If I tell you my truth
Am I getting through?
It just seems I should confess
Who am I to pretend
This is more than I can carry
Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I hold my head up high
I know I'll be alright
This time
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away
This time
This time,
This time
This time,
This time
It's 4 am and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
It's times like these I see your face
Link to Music Video:
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