I've realized recently, looking back on my interactions with Jacob and Edward that I can handle anything. I am strong enough to take any pain that's thrown at me and separate it from my self-esteem and my overall identity. Everyone, including Jacob himself, wonders why I have not freed myself of his influence and moved on to brighter possibilities. The answer on my end is simple. His actions against me are separate from his soul. I love his soul with a passion that cannot be unbroken. This love is separate from my short-term well-being. If I am able to take any pain and handle any consequence, I might as well use this power to my advantage. I might as well use the time I have to help him grow. They all say that one person is incapable of changing another. Until I have attempted and failed for the entirety of my life, I will not accept this potential falsehood.
When Jacob asked me today if a lot of people I know analyze people like I do, I answered truthfully, "Nope." Most people do not have the interest or the desire to invest so much energy to such a prospect. I cannot trace the origin of this passion and ability within me, but I know, as I told Jake, that it has been helpful. It convinced Josie to break up with her boyfriend who she had been uselessly sticking with as a comfort for years. It convinced Drake to begin to open up his mind and heart to the world. I watched proudly as the change in him began to show. I do not know why Jacob is so much more of an ordeal. Perhaps because my emotions are so blatantly tied to the situation. I was consistently unable to follow my instinct because my imminent needs got in the way.
However, now that I have through practice acquired the ability to act based on instinct in spite of my imminent needs, my abilities as a psychic analyzer have been magnified. "Suddenly I see, this is what I [am meant] to be". My unbreakable strength paired with my ability to see through people allows me to fix things that need to be fixed and change things that need to be changed.
Jacob once said to me, "Meeting you and the growth I experienced afterwards will be one of the most important things that ever happened to me. I'm sure many others will feel the same way about you; you really influence others' lives."
If that has been the case, then it continues to be regardless of Jacob's present but weakening denial. Hopefully by the end of this year, when Jacob and I are both happy and reformed, I will realize "why the hell it means so much to me."
Lyrics to "Suddenly I See":
Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
Link to Music Video:
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