"Pale Fire" by Vladimir Nabokov

Instead of commenting on a song today, I decided to share with you an excerpt from the commentary I am doing on Nabokov's "Pale Fire." "Pale Fire" is a poem written by Nabokov taking on the alias of his own fictional character, John Shade.

This section of my commentary is an anomaly because I am successfully keeping personal anecdotes for the most part out of my analysis, even though it could be as self-geared as I wanted. However, upon seeing the world "abyss," I had no choice but to succumb.

Line 805: “And stop investigating my abyss?”

He wrote a piece once, called “Abyss.” It’s what brought us together because I played it on cello. We rehearsed, sometimes by ourselves. He thought I was beautiful. I could see it in his eyes. I’m sure I noticed that his face was flawless and that he moved with a grace unlike that of any other I’d seen. But it wasn’t until 3 months later that I bothered to let such discoveries take hold.

He told me several months later to stop investigating him. It was his life. Why was I trying to decide it for him? Why was I stomping around all self-righteous thinking I could bring him back to where we once resided, when he in a fit of shameless denial, kept insisting that he did not want to return?

We were both sinking into madness, the “abyss” that his piece had depicted so well. I wanted to stop it, because I knew it was all wrong. I knew he was honest and brave and all the qualities he was hiding from all of our views. I knew he loved me just as before and that he struggled with it alone when no one else could hear him or in his head when the world around him appeared to be focused elsewhere.

I hoped beyond belief that he would come around. After all, he was the male equivalent of me. We were fit for each other – fashioned, made and sculpted. The only forces coming between us were those of physical distance, immaturity, and simply, the different dynamics between our genders. Those are all things that can be either eliminated or accepted. But I never accepted these feelings. I kept them hidden in hopes to protect myself from the storm that would hit if I were to succumb.

Recently, I did. I did because of a coincidence, a turn of events that showed his lingering feelings and his honest nobility. I did because I knew that no matter what happens between us, we cycle back to find each other, every time in the same condition – every time powerful. I did because with six months left to live in close proximity, I had no other choice. I can only hope it will be for the best.