However, as of yesterday, or rather two days ago, something changed. The dynamic of Stewart's and my relationship (or acquaintance-ship) shifted. I mentioned part of this in my last blog. I noticed that he was more shy and reserved but when we talked about college, it felt as if our connection had grown and was more present. Recently, I'd started to dismiss it, at least in my head as some kind of passing attraction that exists but will result in nothing. However, after that one brief conversation about college, it seemed like somehow we were on the same level - a level that nobody else could quite reach. It reminded me of a conversation Edward and I had in a practice room one Thursday night after rehearsal. He was telling me about Korea. Half of him was wondering why I cared to listen. Half of him was relieved he had someone American to talk to.
In fact, the beginning of this connection with Stewart and I almost exactly mirrors the beginning of Edward's and mine. It's deja vu to the max. This is the second chance I've been asking for, except I'm more mature now - capable of handling a deep connection in the disguise of a normal world relationship.
It's funny. I notice so many common patterns between this connection and the one I developed with Edward. Every time I receive a negative impulse, I feel like shrinking into some shroud of doubt to protect myself from the impact of the heavy connection as it falls. But then, Edward would and Stewart seems to always open up the shroud and release me to a further magnified state. Last night, I was sitting at the computer, wondering if I should send Stew the recording I'd made that he would have participated in had it not been his birthday. I IMed him asking for his email. He did not respond immediately, but his excuse was adorable. He had been fixing his mouse and thusly could not open the window. We continued to talk. Somehow, even across AIM, I felt the spark of a tentatively developing connection. I didn't want to make the same mistake as I did with Jacob - developing a relationship over AIM - so after I made a slight bit of small talk I decided to depart.
Stewart seems very much akin to Edward in that he is pretty detached. I doubt he'd be the type to stay on the phone for long periods of time with relative strangers - or moreover to pursue an attractive girl whom he's only known on the basis of observation. I realize now that sitting around and waiting is not going to do the job if Stewart's and my connection is going to go somewhere. After all, the trouble in Edward and my relationship did not begin until I became neurotic. I pursued him quite intensely with heavy encouragement from his end up to that point and everything was going fine.
My instinct to some degree has spoken. This connection is meant to happen. This bond is meant to grow. And I'm going to pursue it lightheartedly before it's too late.
Lyrics to "I Wish":
Ooh, who me?
Come on, uh
I saw you outside
Getting out your ride
A CLK 430, you've got style
As soon as I checked you out
A ladies man no doubt
From head to toe you're all style I like it
How bout you buy me a rose cos I think
This is gonna get a little interesting
Let's see where this conversation goes
I'm not sure that I want you to know
I wish I could right now
Wish that I could show you how
I'm feeling you (I'm feelin' you)
Boy I try I can't hide (can't hide)
How badly I want you tonight
I've gotta fight it
If you take me home
Get me all alone
Nothing could happen it's just too soon
I'm just being upfront
Telling you from the jump
Not tonight I'm not that type of girl (I'm sorry)
If I gave you the wrong impression I
Apologise from the bottom of my heart
I'm talkin' out my head, probably misled you
I'm confused and I'm a little scared
I wish I could right now (could right now)
Wish that I could show you how
I'm feeling you
Boy I try I can't hide (ooh, whoa)
How badly I want you tonight
I've gotta fight it (gotta fight it, baby)
I wish I could right now
Wish that I could show you how (wish that I could show you how)
I'm feeling you (oh-whoa)
Boy I try I can't hide
How badly I want you tonight
I've gotta fight it
My bodies playin' tricks on me
I'm just not thinkin' clearly
This has happened too quickly, I've got to slow down
Tomorrow is another day
This I promise if you say
That it doesn't matter, everything is gonna be okay
Slow down (hmm, okay)
Come on (I wish)
I wish I could right now (I wish I, I wish)
Wish that I could show you how
I'm feeling you
Boy I try I can't hide (oh, yeah)
How badly I want you tonight (I want you tonight)
I've gotta fight it
I wish I could right now
Wish that I could show you how (if you only knew)
I'm feeling you
Boy I try I can't hide
How badly I want you tonight
I've gotta fight it
I wish I could right now (baby)
Wish that I could show you how (show you how)
I'm feeling you (I'm feeling you)
Boy I try I can't hide
How badly I want you tonight
I've gotta fight it
I wish I, could show you
Boy I try, I want you
Link to Music Video:
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